I don't really know what I anticipated to come out of this journal. I just felt that there was something worth looking into. I felt that this was a necessary crutch to get myself going, to heal my wounds, to look back and reflect upon my past mistakes to create a better future for myself. Most of what is said are simply responses to external stimuli and are not to be considered coherent and valid life-advice. They are the ramblings and the raw thoughts that were in my mind at the time of writing. It is simply the experience of a broken man trying to explain what is happening around him. This journal is the path I have taken, the path to whatever I have and will become.
What do I need to do? What do I want to do? I want to do something that requires me to simply sit here and do nothing but type away, so here I am. I just had a few shots of vodka, so I am feeling pretty fucking good right now. I need to close the door. okay. I am now set and ready to rumble. Are you ready to explore the internal enigma of my mind? The machinations that constitute ME and his desires? I am to simply type down everything that I feel like doing.
I simply want to find a girlfriend and simply cuddle with her and watch TV shows and to feel less lonely. I just want to do something with my life that involves my friends. I want to do something that does not require me to be alone anymore. I want my friends to rely on me and to do whatever that I oh so desire. I am tired of school, I am tired of having to worry about money. I just want to feel content and to do what I desire. What do I desire though why am I doing what I am doing? Why do I need to do anything other than what I need to do? Why do I need to do anything that I don’t want to do? What do I want to do? I want to make money, so I can continue my hobbies. What are my hobbies? To play vidya games. I want to be able to play everything I want to read everything, I want to watch everything, I want to be a space explorer, I want to be someone that creates the next steam revolution, I want to be a scientist, I want to save people, I want to be in love, I want to feel happy, I want to be a chef, I want to be a racecar driver, I want to be able to make my own world. In a sense, I kind of want to be god: I want to do anything that I cannot be. I want to have experiences that I have not experienced.
Why do I not have a single person that wants to be near me? Why do I not have a girlfriend? What is wrong with me? What is so bad about my appearance? Why do people not want to be around me? I need to ask these questions because I am not allowing myself to evolve without it. I need to ask this question to someone that I hold dear in life, so I can get their input and further myself in order to become a better person. I want my dependents to feel great in order to properly send them off. Everyone that has provided something and sacrificed themselves, so they can allow myself to grow deserves to be able to live the rest of their life in peace. I do not know why I cannot figure out what I want to do. I do not know why I don't simply do as I am told. I don't know why I am doing these things. I don’t know why I am addicted to nicotine. I do not know why I am still a virgin.
I lied, I do know why. I know the surface reason, but what is the reason that motivated me to do the things that I have done? Is it loneliness? Is this surface reason the sole reason? Is there not a deeper reason that has allowed me to do what I have done? Why am I the way that I am? Can someone that I hold dear accept who I am and permit me to do the things that I want to do? Can this person allow me to break the shell that I have created around myself and to create a better person for myself by doing what I desire at the moment? Can I actually live amongst the struggle of satisfying the daily desires of my body? I simply want to be able to live in peace without having to worry about these things. Why can I not simply have a source of income where I can feed myself and my family and do what I desire to do? Why must I put myself in years of pain and suffering in order to do what I desire? Why must this world be what it is? Why was I born in this time period? Is there something that I must do? What is the purpose of life? Why was I even born to begin with?
Since there is really no source of information to go with and there is only speculation about an afterlife, I have determined that I must do what I desire. The desires of the flesh are something that I can trust because it is the realest thing that I can feel. It is the realest thing around me. The first desire that I want to fill is the desire of my dick. I want to be inserted into something that is living. The second desire is to ease the pain of loneliness. I simply want something to cuddle next to me, so I am not alone in this world. I do not know the best way to solve this issue but there is always a solution to this problem.
Starting right now, I am now doing what I desire to do. I will not think of the consequences, I will not think about what might happen, I will simply do what I desire to do. I will do what I want to do for now on. I will do what I need to do in order to create a better future for myself. The future of myself takes priority over everything that may happen. I need to create a future in which I do not have to worry about myself, but to worry about my descendants. But who will be the lucky person to carry such a responsibility with me? I will look around for any suitable individuals. I will look around and create a perfect family. I will be the best I can be. But what do I want to do? I just said what I wanted to do. I want to be someone that can... [I cannot think of what I want to do. Due to this reason, I am thinking that there is nothing that I want to do. I have no true innate desires, but ones that simply deal with immediate satisfaction]
Let’s explore this idea. What do I want to do? Firstly, I want to be able to create apps. I also want to be able to create little gadgets that have functionality. Looking into this aspect a little more, I want to create a house that has a lot of functionality. Look at Minecraft, I love creating houses that have lots of functions with buttons. I loved creating little Redstone projects that involved automation. This idea stemmed into a desire to create home automation gadgets to make my life easier, which was demonstrated by my actions to enroll in the engineering department in UGA. But what I failed to realize, was the economic value of my services. I did not want to be contracted and to be someone that created the ideas of others, but to simply create the ideas that I, as an individual had. I wanted to create things for myself: thanks to my narcissism and my inability to share, aka my greed. I am a greedy bastard that wants the world I want everything. I want to have everything. I want everything. There we have it folks, the end of my speech. I want to have everything. That is my desire. But HOW CAN I ACHIEVE THAT?
What can I do to achieve EVRYTHING? I can be the president? I can imitate code geass? I can be an anime character. I can be someone that creates the new world, aka full dive virtual reality. I will make Mushoku Tensai, no that is the wrong one. Moonlight Sculpture a dream come true. I will become someone that will rule the world utilizing only my own talents. But then a question pops into my head.
Am I really as talented as I think I am? AM I really as smart as I think I am? Simply typing this out has made me come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what I think, I just need to demonstrate my ability and become the best person that I can be. People can assess my talent later in life. I will be written down in history later. I will do what I want to do in order to create a better life for my descendants and to become the best person that I want to be. Like I said, I want to have everything. I want to be everything. I Want to be god. But I will not rely on magic or any organization in order to obtain my dream. I will create my dream using these own two hands. I will create my future by manipulating everything around me in order to obtain what I want. I am an individualist. I will do what I desire. I will do what I need to do in order to obtain my dream. I am who I am. Nothing more, nothing less.
Then the idea of what I think about others comes to mind. "How do other people think of me": this thought used to haunt me. I used to always care about how others feel about who I am. But does it matter? Does whoever feel about me really matter in my life? Kind of, but not really. In order to obtain everything, I have to experience everything. Happiness, pain, sorrow, rejection, acceptance. The list goes on. I have already felt what it’s like to be broken from great relationships. I have already corroded many friendships. I have already solidified many friendships. I have already learned what it’s like to lose and to gain. I know Lots of things, but I also know that there is more to gain. I also know that I am merely a shadow in the night, there is so much more to learn.
But is there? Even though I may have only lived 1/4 of my life, is this really all there is to know? Is this all there is to life? Will the rest of my life go by as a blur? Will the rest of my life really be as easy going as my childhood, will everything slow down? Will I die before the end? Is there an afterlife? Who is right in this world: which religion is actually the true religion? Is any religion true? Is anything even real? I do not know the answers to these questions, so unless there is a proper way to determine what is real and what is not, I will simply be the best in what I am given. I will simply do what I think is right and to do what I want to do. My desires are something that must be appeased because they are a God given gift. Why would I not act upon these desires, why would god give me these gifts? Why cast aside these biological motivations in order to obtain something greater? Is there really a consequence from acting upon these flesh driven motives? Are these so-called morals really derived from a reputable source?
How accurate is the bible? I have never read the thing, but from my perspective, it could possibly be the greatest scam the world has ever known. I mean think about it. How many urges to kill have you suffered from? How many urges to rape have you had to repress? I mean really think about it. How many times have you wanted to stand up, look at the hottest girl in class and simply have sex with her? These are the desire of man. These are something that evolution has created in order to ensure the [lasting’s] of our species.
What is evolution you say? Based upon my learnings in this education system, it is simply the unknown force of nature that wills the survival of species, but in reality, it is simply chance. Chance that our species has been morphed into what it is today. If you really think about it, evolution is just CHANCE. So how can you stop this evolutionary impulse from procreating? Create laws and attach fear into the mind from straying from these laws. AKA the bible and moral drives. Without these rules, Anarchy will ensue. I mean: SURE, you probably do not have these impulse, but these restrictions have already been installed into your basic drives. These drives have been limited by some genius who wanted to create a better land for his descendants, in case they were weak. The wills of the flesh are the only laws in the land that are really based upon something that is already gifted. The laws of GOD are something that has a chance of being fabricated, but if we're talking about chance, then my whole argument has been invalid right now. There is a chance for everything to happen. No matter what you think of, there is always a chance for it to happen. In fact, if the unlimited multi-verse theory is actuality, then it has probably happened somewhere, because INFINITY is FAAAR bigger than you imagine. Such as the idea of having an orgy with 24 gods and becoming a god yourself while studying the art of creating WoW gold. If the multi-verse theory is true, then there are infinite parallel worlds doing w-: (I’m just going to stop myself here because I am going off a tangent). Not to mention that I do not really know what I am talking about, but what do I know? I don’t know my left to rights. I really do not know anything anymore. I am simply someone that is acting upon impulse. So, I will do as I desire. I will do what I want to do by the end of the day. I simply want to stop these desires from convoluting my mind anymore.
Will this person that I hold dear accept my love? Will they accept that I do not love? Will they accept that my desire is to simply obtain everything? Will they help me on my quest? I need to ask the question in order to get a response. I need to stop being reclusive and to simply unleash my desire upon the world. Holding in anything will not get anything in the end. I will do what I desire. I will think of ways to get what I need to get in order to do what I need to do. All of this is really vague, but it is simply a means to develop a reason and a motive to do what I want to do. My intention for all of this is to do what I want to do: to not be limited by the consequences of the what-ifs, to not be limited by my fear of losing opportunities, because you lose these opportunities in the end anyways if you do not act upon them. such as the ones I have had all throughout high school and all the ones I had freshmen year of college. I need to stop being what I am and to evolve into a better person. BRB I need to check where my liver is, so I don’t die. Okay I am good. Anyways, I need to do what I need to do. That is my motive. That is my life style that is what is motivating me to do what I do. I need to do what I need to do. I will do what I desire. I will do whatever I want to do. People can suck dicks, people can go die. I simply want to have fun. I simply want to be able to do what I want to do. I do not want to be limited. I want to erase all limitations upon myself. I want to reach a level where I can do anything. That is the motivation that everyone should have. To be what they are not. Is that not the innate motif for anything? Blank mind. k Speaking of desires, I want some alcohol. I want better alcohol. I want the best I want the most I want money. We've come full circle. I need to continue. I need to figure out where I am. I need to ground my beliefs. I need to figure out what I want to do. Is God real? It doesn’t matter. Is The devil's temptation real? Is there really an afterlife? Is this all a sham in order to put myself in eternal damnation? If God truly loved me, he'd send obvious signs that have NO OTHER possible interpretations, but then here comes the idea of FAITH. Faith that he is doing something within my life, or that there is a god. Faith that there is something to worry about. But that is also just one of the greatest scam techniques possible. I don't know man; therefore, I will not think about it because it is simply retarded to go into the details. I do not need to worry myself with things that are not tangible at the moment. I need to worry myself with my future and to create a better life for my dependents. I have people already depending on me. I have people that I need to take care of, then I will worry about my afterlife. That comes after I have solidified my grounds in this lifetime. Since I’ve been gifted a life to create what I want to create and to do what I wish to do, I will take full advantage of that. I will take upon the desires of the flesh and to do what I want to do. I am sending the message. I am doing what I want to do. I will see where it leads me. I will see where I need to go. I need to find these doors in order to step into a new world. I am tired of seeing the old, I am tired of seeing something I have already seen a thousand times before. No matter how cool it may seem to me right now, I am already tired of it. This is coming out from the deeper side of my mind. I may not express this whenever I am myself, but it is how I feel. I need to do what I want to do. I need to enact upon my desire. I need to do what I WANT TO DO. JUST FUCKING DO IT MAN. There is nothing wrong in trying something new. If it was meant to be, then it will happen. If it wasn’t, then there is no worrying about it. Think of it as fate and destiny: if it was bound to happen, it will happen. Although this can be viewed as a scapegoat for people who cannot act upon their desires, it can assist in one in order to make themselves step forward in life, to create something new. I am one that is bound by morals and ideas that were created when I was young, but these morals and drives will crumble in due time, so why not expediate the process and do it now? Why not create an event that will shape my world into something different? WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? Please take these words and look back into it. Although it may seem shallow in first sight, there are deeper meanings. it is trying to make you step into a new world. it is an attempt to appease the curiosity of your mind in order to experience new things. Consider it Nature’s force in order to experience new ways in ensuring survival in everchanging environments. In order for nature to evolve, it has to have mutations that outlast the rest of the species. Mutations are the stepping tool for evolution. No, I am not talking about the X-Men, I am talking about slight changes within one's personal mind and their motives in life in order to be successful. Although they may have the greatest moral drive set in existence, in certain situations, they may die alongside with that moral set. What I am trying to get at is that there is always a need for change. There is always a need for evolution. There is always a need to become better. Perfect does not exist in this world, because anything perfect would be an individual that transcends this dimension. Something with absolutely no problems is something that has evolved from the curse of Chance. According to the laws of probability (this is something I have created out of the top of my mind), is that there is a probability for ANYTHING to happen. literally anything. Although it may not seem like it, you never fucking know man. Anything could happen. There are all kinds of unknown variables. Science is ever changing. I just want to do what I desire. And as of now, I will do what I need to do to further that. May it be utilizing the liquid courage that I have ingested, or by being in the right mood set. I will do what I want to do. I will do what I need to do. I will do what needs to be done. And by needs: I mean DESIRE. because that is the only need in my life.
I've decided to take the time and capture my thoughts again. I do not know why I decided to do this, but I'm going to assume that I wanted to. I am really at a loss of words right now. All that really goes through my head are the immediate desires of my flesh, or immediate problems, such as the issue with my finger, the issue of my relationships, or the issue with my financial or educational situation. My future plans are also a mess, not to mention my inability to focus on my work.
I've decided that something needs to change, but I'm not sure on how it will yet.
I need to be able to do something within the amount of time that I have.
I do not know why I am incapable of doing anything correct. Why do I feel the way that I do? WHat has changed within my life to put me in this state-of-mind? Why do I fear the future? What is there that will harm me?
There are many things, such as the disappointment of my parents, or the inability to help my future create a future for my mom. I do not want her to be stuck in poverty. I also do not want my future to be spent in loneliness, but there is something holding me back.
Why do I change moodsets so drastically throughout the day? Am I bipolar? Do I have some kind of mental instability? Am I normal? Does everyone go through these phases through the days? Why do I suffer from these mood swings?
I have many questions that do not have apparent answers. I also have many desires that cannot be fulfilled within the time allotted. I need to set up a time management program and keep to it so I do not become what I fear. I need to stick with a plan. I need to plan my future out. I need to get my life together. I need to get a grasp on things, because coasting this far into the game was a bad idea, a very bad idea that might've costed me the leverage that I could've had, the opportunities that could've been had, and the future that would've satisfied the majority of my desires.
But what is done is done. I cannot find out why I did what I did, but I know I can repeat the good and stop the mistakes. I know that looking back into the past is hard, but it is something that must be done in order to become a better person.
Criticism is something that I cannot handle correctly. Whenever someone criticizes me, I become hot in the neck and begin to feel anxious. I guess I have anxiety problems. That is something that is bothering me recently.
I've lost my train of thought. I will restart.
What do I want to do right now? That is the question that I ask myself a lot. What is it that I want to do? As I ask myself this question, I find myself at a loss.
I do not know what I want to do right now because there is so much that I DO want to do. I have many desires, I have many things I want to accomplish, but with limited time. I need to figure out what are the top priorities and focus on them. For now, number 1 is relationships and money issues. Those two are the main reasons I am in this situation.
Is anxiety even my problem? Is it not just shyness?
I think it's a culmination of social reclusivity, and all of those shenanigans put together creating this emotional shell that is seemingly hard to break (impossible to break I mean). I guess I need to get someone to assist me in this trouble.
I do not know why I always change my mind whenever I am done, but I guess its thanks to the magic of mood swings. I also do not need to care about timing if I need to change. There seems to be an inability to get the timing down correct anyways, so it should not fucking matter.
I wish things could be easier, but nothing is easy in life, only (percieved) to be easier due to one's background knowledge on the subject at hand. For instance, looking at computers, the inability of old people to use computers, or jocks sewing a shirt togehter. These subjects are too far off from their respective interests, that they never look into them and consider it hard.
Such can be said about social environments and settings for myself. Since everything I do revolves around isolation, such as playing 1-P games, RPGs, or watching anime, I never do anything together with a group of people, other than playing Smash and cooking/eating. I do not know why I do this to myself, but this needs to change. I seriously need to stop being a social recluse, because I am just fed the fuck up man. I am tired of being alone, I am tired of having no one to talk to, I am tried of all this pent up rage. I just need someone to comfort me and let me do the same to them. That is all I desire as of right this very moment.
Coming back from that little spiel, I also have the desire to create a financial environment that is good enough for my mother to live an easy life. I do not want her to have to worry about anything fiscal anymore, because she has done a good job in raising me and I really wish she could just live easy now, because she deserves it. She doesn't need to be working anymore, and she doesn't have to put up with anything less than superior. Because she is my bloodline, and the creator of my body, I will grant her the same treatment that I treat myself. Since she was the OG woman in my life, she is first in achieving happiness. May that be me finding success, her being in peace, or everyone just being happy and jolly together. Whatever it may be, it's going to happen. That is my vow. Because she attempts to asssit me in every aspect in life in order to create a superior atmosphere so I can experience greatness, I will reward her troubles with the fruits of her struggles.
THat is how I feel about that. It may come across as extremely cocky and snobbish, but I don't give a shit about what others feel. That is how I feel, that is the motivation that I need to give myself in order to actually do something to acquire that I desire.
I never did figure out what is creating this inability to do homework. I think it's because I am overstimulated, and need a calm-down period, or something similar, but with that in mind, I am going to attempt to destimulate everything in my mind and obtain tranquility. I will go into meditation, because there needs Zen in life. Yin and Yang are the ultimate balance, because without the bad, the good becomes bland. Without the good, the bad becomes hell. Gravity floats towards evil. This desire floats towards good. Yin and Yang are found everywhere in life.
Such an example can stem into the production of quality playlists. Without a few bad songs to give a standard, the good songs become bland. Its redundant, but I'm merely typing this down to capture the idea that I have in my mind before it goes away.
I need to track where my desire are pointed to.
I want to go out and drive somewehre and simply talk to someone. I want to be with someone. THat is what is missing in my life, that is why I cannot do any work.
Alright. Let's just type out what I want to do.
First thing that comes to mind is fixing that computer into a desktop wall. Next thing that comes to mind is having to get the money and to do that I need to either finish the school or go to trading stocks (aka futures) in the market and making a huge profit. Then I don't want to do anything and simply want to go to steins gate, but then I get lonely because the reason I want to do that is to simply get some loving, so sex comes to mind. but in order to have sex, I want to go DT and go to bars, but in order to go to the bars, I want to change myself so I'm not as shy and know how to communicate to those kinds of people; not adequately prepared because of the types of people I am current situated with. and from there I just want to become a woodworker and create shit, then get lazy and become a beekeeper, but do I really? its fuckin bees and its doing shit that I don't want to do.
I don't want to do anything but how am I supposed to acquire that dream? Have kids and have a steady job to make them happy and WANT to support my lifestyle. I also want to support my mom, but you see everything revolves around MONEY. I also want to create my own world.
What do I want to do at this very moment?
Find some good music.
I also just want to go home so I can do whatever the fuck I want over THERE and not here because I am kind of limited here.
Okay, this is me talking to myself. I am going to be taking an adventure with myself. To begin. I will empty my mind as I sit in darkness . I'm not sure what I want to talk about first. Let's see.
I really just want to find a nice woman and talk to her. Topic can be over anything really. I just want to something about my loneliness. I really despise this feeling . I also want to watch some more anime. Like that picture, I always love being alone, just not lonely. Okay. So, what am I going to do? I don't know man I just want to do something… I want to do something. Something. Something. I want to do something. What do I want to do? What is it that I desire? Well look above. That is something. I also don't know what I want to do. There is something that I need and want to do. What I Need to do though is study.
I want something.
I desire something. I desire everything. I want money so I can do what I desire. I need money to continue my hobbies, I want to do whatever I want to do. Why am I going to school? To make money. I need to simply continue my course of action so I can do what I want, but what if I want to do what I want right now? I will have missed opportunities. I will be missing out on what all the other kids are doing. I simply want to be part of the crowd. I am tired of being alone. That is my reasoning. Loneliness is something I plan to avoid. Why do I limit myself from others? Why am I limiting myself from going out? Why do I put these restrictions among myself? Why do I put myself with these kinds of people? Is there a moral high ground I want to obtain? Is there a greater work that condemns my desires? Why should I praise to something if that something puts these contradictory thoughts into my head? I need to read the bible before I contribute to these moral conversations because I have no foundation of this knowledge. Everything I have been taught by is through someone else, who may or may not be inferior in both knowledge, memory, and interpretation skills. Kind of redundant, but IDC. I simply want to do as I desire. I don't want to be restricted anymore. I just want my dick sucked and that's that. I can't believe HE of all people has gone beyond before me. Done. I'm fucking done. as I thirsted myself, he was over there getting wet. I'm at a loss of words right now. Betrayal. I guess I'm just going to go downtown and ask some people to "show me around" and reward them with something. I can't think of anything else right now. I really don't know what I want to do. Or how I go about doing what I desire for that matter. What do I do? How do I do? Where do I do? When do I do? Continue my studies? turn into a recluse? Who knows!
I really wanted Her to be my first. but alas, that road is broken. I do not know what happened between us. I guess she heard me whenever I said I friend-zoned her. I really just want to do something about it, but I feel really bad about hurting her. Anyways, what do I like about her? I just like how she talks to me. I like her taste in music. I like how she does what she does. I like how she doesn't really bow down to anyone. But does she? Do I really know what? She is a hoe. She gets around a little more than I'd prefer. It's nothing special for her, as noted in high school. I don't know man I just... I guess I wanted that also. I considered her to be the same as me, except someone that is mentally more prepared, someone that acts on their impulses. Someone that is stronger. Someone with better or more available opportunities to do what they wanted to do.
I'm sorry... I just... I just wanted to be friends... or something more, but I guess I can't even do that right. I always mess things up when it matters. But when it comes to mindless shit, I'm your fucking man. I just wanted something more, but I guess that'll never come to fruition. I'm going to destroy this bridge. I do not want a half-assed friendship. I'd rather be enemies than close friends. Acquaintances are something I despise. I want to KNOW if someone likes me or not.
So, as I begin to study, I have come to the conclusion that I need to get my shit together. I know that what I am doing is wrong. I know that I need to do something else that doesn't require me to do what I am doing. I know I don't make sense. I know I am driven by false pretenses and doing whatever I please. I know I am the single source of destruction in my life. Everything starts with knowing about myself, and that is something I have done. I need to figure out within my life on how to acquire better things. I need to finally figure out what I need to do. I need to get started with my life. I need to get started with doing things. I need to get a grasp. I need to get a handle of my life. I need to get a grasp on things that actually matter. I have expectations to fill; I have desires to complete; I have things that I need to do. These things aren't going to be completed themselves. These things aren't going to be completed by my whims. I need my full attention in doing them. I need to cast my desires away and to simply devote myself in achieving the things that I need to do.
On another note, I am not sure about how I am going to do in this exam. But now that I have kind of achieved what I needed to do, which was recollect my ideals and (I'm not sure if I'm even using the correct terminology, but whatever) anyway, do I have what it takes to get into med school? Do I have what it takes to be able to persuade the recruitment officers? Can I manage to get high enough on the MCAT and negotiate my way into Emory? I do not know the answer to that, and I am not sure if I can do what I need to do.
((That)) is a nice little concept though. The one discovered today on YouTube, not by me but by a dear friend. Not the dearest though, that one is still away from me. Looking back into what I have been doing recently, I seem to fit the role pretty well man. I am not sure if I can do whatever I need to do yet. But then again, I think I do have what it takes to get whatever I need to do.
As if it isn't already known, the main point I am trying to get across is "What I need to do," or something about "doing" because that is what is sorely lacking from my life right now. Actively doing something. Can I really get by passively? Can I really get by doing what I am doing, which is nothing? Can all this pent-up rage get me somewhere? I really need to get ahold of myself and change who I am to the core. I need to do that because what I am now is not satisfying to the least. This dissatisfaction can be seen by the ungodly number of hours spent doing mindless shit (this mindless shit is escapism according to the newly discovered source). This shit is really going to be detrimental to my overall future scope. I need to figure out a way to get what I desire. That word is also another keyword in the development of my future. The "desires" of the flesh. What is there to do?
I'm not sure about doing, but I know something: there is a lot that I am in the dark about. That may be related to many things. Such as the relationship between the housemates and how they actually feel, my future, my position in acquiring classes for this fall semester, literally anything that I can think of man. I am not sure how I am going to go about this. I do not want to think about it, but I need to get on top of my shit man. I need to do something about this lack of activity. I need to figure out what I am going to do and simply act upon it.
Everything in that video points to one simple thing. TAKE ACTION. TAKE ACTION. DO SOMETHING. NO MORE THEORY CRAFTING. Put the damn books away, put the theories away, it's time to just go at it. It is time to begin. It is time to grab ahold of something. by the words of the man himself, "JUST DO IT".
It may seem basic, it may seem cringey, it may seem childish, it may seem wrong, but there is something that is to be seen from this... There is something that needs to change. This act, this... idea... this entire fucking perspective of yourself is one that only you contain. It is something that needs to change. it is something that is incorrect. It is something that is nothing but self-destructive. Erase it.
What is this perspective you may ask? Well let's try to define it: It is one where I have the ability to do whatever I desire. it is one where I am satisfied with the opportunity to complete such an action. I am satisfied by simply thinking about what could have been, because it was something I could've been. I am satisfied by merely pretending that the idea has occurred.
Well guess what. There is only one perceived life. There is only one Me in the world, I need to just attack life, I need to do whatever I can to solidify my realest ideas. I need to not be afraid of the opportunities that await me, I need to not fear the missed opportunities, but merely consider them as bygones.
In a sense I am a hypocrite: The idea that I uphold is first come first served. This idea is then completely violated within my perspective of the perfect girlfriend. I want what people dream of. I believe that I have the opportunity to obtain greatness. Well guess what chump. Shit ain't easy, shit ain't gonna passively come to you. It takes motivation, it takes determination, and it takes EFFORT. All three of those things is something you lack, and you need to fix that before you can obtain that. But how can one achieve that? By acting. ACTION is the enemy of laziness. Action can achieve. Thinking does not. Philosophy by itself is a useless tool, unless paired by someone that acts upon such. An idea is only an idea until it is molded into actuality by someone who can do such. To bring an idea into fruition is what defines success. By success here, I mean greatness, I mean it differentiates between the masses that do not want to do and the few that do. The ones that embrace the pain of rejection, the ones that embrace failure, the ones that have a desire to become good, to become a master, to become skillful in whatever they desire.
I seem to be conflicted in regards to what I should do. Part of me wishes to reach out, the other part wishes to remain anonymous. To be active, or not to be active. I am currently torn apart by two forces, but one is obviously overpowering the other. Needless to say, I am in a state of inactivity, forced to be shown the eye of the passive, and I'm not sure if I should relish this or be scared of my future. I have many desires, what I seem to be going down a path that I did not choose for myself. Thinking more into it, I have not actively chosen this path, but I have indirectly chosen it by simply not acting. This simple notion of inactivity has led me down a path that is perceived to be chosen FOR me, but in fact, is a choice that is made by the indirect notion of not choosing a different path. I did not CHOOSE a different path; therefore, I chose this future. In a sense, I reap what I sow. In order to allow my active self a chance to reveal himself, I will need a convincing reason to show the inactive self that inactivity is merely the lazy man's way out. Lazy isn't the word, incompetent is better fitting. In the grand scheme of things, all ties are eroded, all accomplishments are forgotten, all marks of your existence will be erased. It is what you do in this moment in life that defines who you are, to yourself. You are your own audience. You create life for yourself, you enjoy life for yourself. That is the reasoning I will partake for now. Let's see if I still feel the same afterwards.
On another note, I also do not like feeling this way. One perceived way to fix this is to change my state-of-mind to SEEK this feeling. Pain is only in the mind. To alter your mind is to change who you are, and to change yourself is an accomplishment in itself, but it is something that is not impossible, therefore, seeking this feeling as a source of happiness is not unheard of. This feeling that I am referring to is the feeling of "butterflies in your stomach", the feeling that gives the jitters, the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that you are significantly [in within yourself]
As I sit here typing away, I feel a sense of wasting my life. I do not like sitting here, I do not like being myself. There is a deeper connection to what I feel though. To find this source of uneasiness is a task that I am attempting to undergo. What I do in my life is not something that should matter to others, but something that should only matter to myself. I am my own worst enemy, I am my audience, I am the one that chooses the path for myself. This body is my ride to enjoy. This life is my rollercoaster. I will not let others choose my path, I will not let others manipulate me into doing things that I do not desire.
Why do I do the things that I do? That is a question that pops into my mind whenever I feel... discontent with my actions. Unsatisfied. But unsatisfied in what sense? What is the main drive that pushes me to ask that question? Obviously, there is a feeling of loneliness, but is that the main reason? I also feel a sense of worry, a feeling of unease when I think of my future, but to what extent? Why should I feel worry? I need to get a grasp of my life, I need to get a handle of what needs to be done. I have many things that require to be completed, but in this act of inactivity, this act of unease, this act of incompetence, I am missing out on creating a future for myself. I am missing this golden chance to obtain what I truly desire: A sense of freedom, a chance to obtain greater knowledge, the ability to be an explorer. In what regards do I want to be an explorer? To dive into the unknown of information, or to chart unexplored territory? Either works for me, but to come across unfamiliar sentient beings is one that I truly desire. To come across and discover a science-fiction world is one that I truly desire. To be able to create a world where technology is in overabundance is one that I truly desire. To remain lazy, to create automation, to be able to do everything with a click of a button. Automation is my end goal, while everything that I desire is simply a stepping tool in order to get to it. Any desire that I have had and have recorded all have a certain perspective that can be twisted to one that I have, but the truth has been said. Let us simply wait and see if this is what I truly mean, let us sit and wait for the rest of my mind to catch up on this idea, and see whether or not it is rejected or accepted.
The idea that I have multiple personalities within my mind is something that seems somewhat childish. I would love this aspect, but in reality, it can be perceived to simply be a guise to my inability to harden myself and choose for myself. It can be seen as a [way to prevent choosing for myself, there is a term I'm looking for but cannot find it]. Restlessness? Uneasiness? Inconsistent? Unreliable? None of these are it, but its close. starts with an I, I think. Unreliability? nope, Wishy washy is synonymous. INDECISIVE. That is a trait that I currently have and need to change. How have I acquired this trait? What aspect of my life has led me to become indecisive? Why do I not want human contact? Is it because I have found a solid substitute that can fill the surface feeling of loneliness? Is it because I have found that being lonely is easy? Is it because that I've been lonely my whole life and it is simply one that I have gotten used it? Is it because I fear change? All of those. They are all a culmination of my current social dynamic. I need to change. May this be for the better or worse, but if I am to "experience any and all experiences that are to happen," like I originally wanted for myself, then this cannot go long for much longer, else I will lose what chance I have left. I need to steel myself in a mindset of action, a mindset of doing, and throw myself into the darkness. I need to become a social butterfly, I need to begin talking to people, rather than simply sitting on the sidelines. I need to become part of the game, and stop being a supporting character. I am the main character in my life.
Epilogue:
I have the liberty of entering the state of mind that I oh so hate, and now I have come to realize, that I cannot control what I desire whenever I'm in this state. I just do not want to do anything. I have no desire to do anything productive, counterproductive, or anything for that matter. I simply sat there and stared off into space. I just sat there and wasted my life away. I do not know what sparks or initiates this mood set, but it is very destructive as it can result in a lot of missed opportunities down the line for me. figuring out what creates this mood can assist in helping myself in the future. As for what I was previously doing, I was simply sitting at my desk and watching YouTube videos about killer bees. For around an hour, I indulged in my desires to explore what killer bees and their removal was. In this situation, I simply enjoyed indulging myself in guilty pleasures (and such more). This leads me to the notion that indulging in pleasure, regarding what kind it is, will lead me to a state of satisfaction that will only go away after a time of stagnation or pain. Such stagnation usually results in a surge of loneliness, which is considered pain, leading to the conclusion that emotional pain after such a state of satisfaction is usually enough to get me out of it. To further reiterate what I have stated: this mood set is created after a period of satisfaction and is only ridden through the usage of pain / loneliness e.g. dissatisfaction.
I'd like to be able to say that I am a quick adapter: someone that is quick to learn about certain skills. TO be considered a novice in many perspectives, and somewhat amateurish, in the sense of having ability and talent in a skill of interest, rather than noobish, is something that I like to consider myself good at. A man of many talents can be a title that I can obtain. But I wish to be a master of all these talents; however, looking at many people of great ability such as Mozart or Bach in orchestrating music, Einstein in developing modern theories of physics, great works of visual art such as the artist [coveted (again a homophone for the word I'm looking for)] for the work of the movie Redline, and many other specialists of very, very specific talents for what they do, I've come to the conclusion that I cannot be the best at everything. These people devote their lives to perfect their talents and I am late to the game. I would have to spend countless hours honing my skills to perfect a single talent, let alone everything that I have interest in. I cannot be a great mechanic in the timespan of a few hours of heavy research. I cannot be a great artist with a few hours of holding a pencil. I cannot be a good student with spending a single day studying for an exam that takes the average person a semester to study. These skills require time and effort. If you take away the factor of motivation for the sake of arguing, then you have to take into account the sheer amount of time required to "level up" your skills through mistakes and epiphanies. And because of this, I have come to the conclusion that in order to perfect a single skill, in order to be the very best at what I do, I need to find what I most love in life and attempt to be the best. My desire is not to be known worldwide as the best, not seeking others' attention, but to simply be someone free enough to devote himself fully in doing what he loves.
I've come to the realization that this dissatisfaction that I feel results in me watching anime to fill the void, which then goes on to me feeling satisfied and dissociated with the world. Afterwards, I come to realize how much time I have spent doing something superficial and regret ever watching it. Such a taste leaves me in a stagnant mood, depressed and irritated. Then I fill the void by theorizing about what I should do and return to anime after realizing that I do not have the balls to do anything, I remain inactive because I fear change.
On a completely different note, I like to think about just how many different ways I can utilize an algorithm. Such as Eugenics: in order to create the "perfect" human (perfect here is in quotes because that term is subjective), you would have to locate people with those specific traits, breed them together until you acquire descendants that have the combined traits and keep combining them until you have successfully combined each and every specific trait you were looking for into one human being. This cannot obviously happen in one human life naturally because of the amount of generations this would take. I take back what I stated, it depends on how many traits you have and the sample size. But I shall not go into further details. The takeaway here is that there are many uses for algorithms and I simply enjoy playing around with them.
Alright it is time to begin phase 1. Get shit done. In this phase, I will have to do everything that I told myself. I need to get a grasp of the active part of my subconscious (and by active, I mean figuratively active, as in 'Yes I will do that' active, I mean the part that gets shit done, rather than sitting on the sidelines like always) and I will get this shit done. I need to get a grasp of him and finally put to good use of my talent. What is this talent that you speak of? I don't know either, because I never do anything that helps me find such talent. I simply sit around and do nothing. Alright.
All of what I have been doing now is trivial in the sense that I have things to be doing that truly defines my future. Here I have sat and fucked around for months on end when I have had a life-defining exam coming up, and I have done nothing to prepare for it, except get the necessary prerequisites down. I need to truly get rid of these unneeded distractions and get to work. To do so, I will take a few hours to clear my desk of things that are unnecessary and to do what is needed to be done. I am feeling truly under pressure.
What exactly did I plan on doing? Why am I doing the things that I am doing right now? Why do I put myself in this situation so many times? Why can't I just do the things that I need to do? Why must I continue this disgrace? Why can't I simply do one simple thing which is to study? I don't know these questions, I don't know why I continue to do what I do... There is one thought that goes through my mind and I need to make it stop. But without something like this, I don't know man I just don't know. I seem to be a in a state of anxiety and [uneasy ness?] I don't really know the term that I am looking for. I really do not know what I want to do man . Alright so let's figure this out. What is needed to be done? I need to write 2 essays, study for all my classes and study for the MCAT. I also need to (or want to ) fix the xterra. I also simply want to sleep. I also Want to get a nice social companion. someone to talk to. I do not know who, I do not know how, but I will find it. I also simply want to play games. I will do that until I figure out what I want to do. I need to do these essays though, I also need to study. Alright. I will play until 12, then I will grind shit out.
Dude what the fuck am I doing right now? I have many things that I need to do, and I am not doing anything that I needed to do...
I need to find a way to give myself constant motivation to stop straying from my path.
To get things rolling, I need to find out what I want to do at this very moment. If I were to stop everything that requires responsibility, or something amongst the lines of that what do I want to do? What is on my mind that is making me push it away? First, it's to study for my classes, then it is to finish signing up for my classes, then I want to study for the MCAT. I want to find an actual study plan that I can follow for 3 months before I fuck everything up. I need to find a May, June, and July study plan that is down to a fucking T. I need to find where I can get some full-length exams and go ham. I also need to simply exercise. These are the things that are on my mind constantly. I also want to get a new phone, or at least a new battery because my current phone is pretty fucked right now, I also wanted to get my subwoofer in my car already and replace the busted speakers because I am quite fed up with what it is doing at this moment.
I am kind of sad that I cannot get anything done anymore. I wonder what the effects of drinking solely everclear will do to my body. And apparently it is simply the same as vodka, just a little more powerful. To the extent of some, it's literally 2.35x more powerful. But nonetheless, I really need to look at my previous works and psychoanalyze everything. I need to look at psychoanalyses and look at the innerworkings of my mind. Attempt to diagnose this shit and see if there is truly anything wrong with me or what is happening. I like to understand the innerworkings of what is happening, and this is simply a way for me to understand myself.
Is there really something that I do not know affecting what I choose to do? Is there an underlying trauma that is hindering my ability to do things that I originally wanted to do? Do I really just want to lie around and do nothing? Is there a reason why I want to do that?
These are the reasons that I wanted to go to a psychology class, but I lost interest whenever I realized that the class had nothing to do with learning about the mind, but simply learning about the history or learning definitions of things that did not matter because the course was simply an entryway into many different subcategories so many of the definitions that I had to learn did not matter.
So, what am I to do with myself? What do I truly want to do? Is there something that burns within myself to obtain or acquire? Is there something that I truly wanted to do? Do I want my family to succeed? Am I truly an altruistic human being? Am I truly a benign person? Am I someone that simply cares for himself? I have all these fronts, but which is my actual self? Are these fronts simply generalizations of a subcategory of certain aspects of my true self? Is my true self more complex than I think it is or am I overcomplicating things to the fucking max? Are these inner desires who I really am or are they the source of evil in this world and something that I must fight?
I do not know what I must do or what I want to do, but I know what I will do, and that is to continue doing nothing. I will simply float along and achieve very little. I will bask in the glory of others without thinking for myself and obtain little. If this is not something you wish for yourself, then change these little aspects that lead you into who you are.
What am I really doing right now? Why do I have so much work to do? Why do I set myself up to fail like this? Why am I setting my GPA standards so low? Can I recover from this detriment? can I recover from having such a low GPA? Can I show that I have improved throughout my time at college? Can I show an evolution for myself? Am I really going to have to do well, am I really going to DO well for the MCAT?
I need to be able to do what I can to get what I desire. But what is that desire? What really gets me going? What do I want to do? I simply want to sit around and do nothing. I simply want to indulge in the desires of my flesh. I want to do something that doesn't have much stakes as of right now. At this very moment, I simply want to relax. I do not know why I am looking at such a lifestyle, I do not know how I became this reliant of relaxation. I do not know how I fell so far from the depths of my previous mental state of health. I do not know why my work ethic has degenerated to its current state. Why am I doing what I do? Why do I stick to what I am right now? what is the reasoning behind my current self in being so damn stubborn? Why am I so distant from change, why is my affinity for it so low?
Well now I begin studying or some shit. now I need to figure out what I need to do. I have a lot of things that are required of me. firstly, I need to look at everything that needs to be done.
Okie dokie, what I am going to do will finish everything. I will do whatever it takes in order to provide for the family in the future. I will do whatever I need to do.
Alright here the thing. I want to create this offline thing for myself. I want to create a blogpost for myself, I want to remain anonymous. I want to create this. But I have other stuff that requires me to focus on. I have other studies that require me to focus on. I have other things I need to do. Here's the deal. If I can abandon anime for now, that is to create a vow to stop everything, from watching to admiring, to witnessing to reading, then I will start studying, I will create this thing I will have this time stamp, this time schedule to create, will be able to create something that needs to happen.
Firstly, I need to start on the essay that needs to happen.
I am now very curious on the effects of praying to God for stuff. I need to read the bible and take in all information regarding the extra life I get after the physical death.
I want to know, is my father in the right? Has his quest ended in naught? Is there truly an afterlife? Is there a better way to acquire what I desire? I need to know these things, but I cannot figure out how to begin.
I lied.
I do know I how to begin, but I will do so later in life. I must first figure out what to do for now. I need to study and do as I please. I need to figure out the scope to which I must live by. I need to stop listening to the plebs and do my own research. I will do as I please. I will acquire what I want. I will do what I must to guarantee a better future for my descendants, may that be from a biological impulse to further the evolutionary chain of nature, or the sympathetic nature of my lineage.
How can I recreate the "knowledge sheets" shown in that one show? This would require me to understand how to consolidate all information and efficiently organize info into distinct topics. I also need to figure out how to create the embroidery designs etc.
One method would be utilizing OneNote and limiting size of sheet and create a pdf template etc. Another way would be to use GIMP2.0 to create the template. This assumes all sheets would be the same.
I also wanted an easier way to reference lines of info. This could be established by using "footnote"-esque markers on the margin with distinct reference markers (e.g. when referenced, mark as A1; arbitrary lettering, can be thought of better way to systematically create the marking).
Lowkey want to finish typing these books down and highlight using a small flipbook. Going back to the subject of the sheet of information, I would have to create either a nice font to use and utilize a text editor or master the art of penmanship. There can be no mistakes in the written part of this transcription.
There are benefits and drawbacks to both options. Using text has speed, but lacks flavor and flexibility, but writing lacks speed but gives the impression of elegance and can flow well with diagrams. Practicing the art of penmanship is important, because without a clear way to record thoughts, then it is lost in gibberish.
To produce neat, elegant writings, one has to create a method of writing that fits their writing style which enables long term writing without getting tired too quickly. Becoming tired whilst writing results in the reduction of skill in penmanship.
I simply need to create an example version of the sheet with diagrams etc. SEE Cookbooks! That is the most similar idea you are looking for. This could be it.
Alrighty, this is the end isn't it. I need to steel myself. I need to just go ahead and do it. The only thing that is stopping me is my fear of the consequences. But this is where I just need to not fear anything. Fear is nothing but the essence of laziness. Fear is nothing but the desire to not lose, but without pain, there is no gain. Without risk, there is no reward. Without losing, there is no obtaining.
After thinking about it some more, the whole reason that I'm in this situation is because of my curiosity to see how far I could get by simply coasting. Such an example is the way I coasted into UGA and coasted through my classes. Can I truly get by, simply coasting through life? Can I live life lazily, without obtaining anything great? Is greatness truly a necessity to achieve? Can I live this life by laying down and doing nothing worthwhile? Through this sense, I could essentially be a cat.
I've figured out something. It is my desires. what do I really want to do? It is to have fun in college. Well there is one chance to do that my senior year, and that is to call in help. This help comes from the desired people. or more specifically, the desired person.
After a bit of self-inflection, I've come across a reasonable way to convince myself that there is a way. There is a way to do something about this feeling. There is a way out of this lifestyle. and that is through the help of this person. "Help a nigga out." I had the right idea, just not the right execution. Something amongst the lines of "what went wrong? What did I do wrong, what can I do to make it better? Are we something," (this is not what I wanted to go with, but I'm just spit balling in order to get to a general sense of what I was trying to get across. This is not something that is entirely true yet, there are still flaws in my judgement that have been altered in some sense, but overall, my idea is somewhere in here).
I came across this judgement thinking about how I could have done things differently had I started my life over from the 8th grade with my current knowledge.
What would have been different? Would I have actually done anything different? Is this the best timeline? Is this already the corrected course? Obviously not for others, but for myself?
I do not know the answers to these questions, but I do know that this is the one chance that I can get for now. As of my current knowledge of the self, the human soul, and the body, I only have one chance to get things right, I have one year left to make my college one great. I have one chance left to make my education "fun" according to these social norms. But I want to be accepted by many, I want to be someone that is not accepted, but acknowledged. That's who I aspire to be. Acknowledged by everyone and everything... even HIM. That is what I want to do.
For some reason, I do not have the motivation to do what is necessary for me to continue in life. I do not have the will to study for the MCAT, which is something that needs to change.
I need to find out what is the main motivation in my life and utilize that in my own way to produce the results that I am looking for. I need to be able to convince myself that this is the right path so I will do what it takes, but that is the problem. What do I do? Do I sit here? I need to sit here and observe the reaction I get whenever I become "bored." I need to see where I go in order to fully understand what it is that I want to do at this very moment and restrict myself from those activities because they are similar to drugs.
I am addicted to these satisfactions, these instant gratifications, that are unhealthy. They produce ill habits, and they reduce overall desires. I need to find out what I need to do. I "just need to have sex" apparently. I need to do that.
I will find the way. I will be able to proceed. I will do what is necessary for myself.
"To use these emotions against myself". My only fear while studying like this is my memory retention. I do not know if I can stick everything in my mind. But there is only one way to do this, and that is to go headstrong.
So, what have I done? I sealed the deal. I bought WoW once again. Why? I don't know man... I just don't know. I simply wanted to play a game that was enjoyable, and this is the only one that I had at the time.
On another note, I want to figure out why I cannot seem to do something when I have a lot of choices. Is it a psychological phenomenon where, if you have choices, you choose to not enact on any of them? I believe that since I have the ability to choose anything I want to do, I am afraid of committing to one option. I feel like I lose the ability to go amongst the rest of the options that I have, and the thought of losing the opportunity to go amongst these other routes scares me. I need to look up if someone has done the research for this, or if it's just something that I do alone.
So, what do I want to do in this game?
I want to level up, get all the BoA's reach 110 on all my characters, and have a nice array of 110's on both horde and alliance, on 4 different realms. I want all of them to have the brawlers title and all of them to have all sets of transmogs. As of now, it will be a pain in the ass to level up, but I will need to create a plan. But alas, I have ended up satisfying that urge to play. Now I am sitting alone, feeling empty inside. Fantastic.
I have the urge to do something. I need to do something. I need to do something. I need to do something productive? Entertaining? Something at all. I can watch something, I can see something, I can read something... literally anything. What can I do?
I can play WoW. I can play games. I can watch shows. I can read novels. I can study for the damn MCAT. I can cook food. I can talk to friends. I can literally do anything.
Too many choices, too many things. So, I will do something. I will create a time schedule to abide by. I will create a time management plan for the entirety of my summer break so I can get this shit down. I have to do many things in order to get the 528 that I am looking for. I need to find the FL exams, I need to... I lied, I am gonna study. Make the plan man. Make it. Okay. Like I said in the time management section. Plan starts Tuesday.
Start studying at 8 up to 9:30, rest for 30 minutes (rest is going to include watching LotGH, one episode per break)
6:30: wake up, shower, breakfast
8-9:30: study
9:30-10: rest
10-11:30: study
11:30-12: rest
12-2: eat/exercise
2-3:30: study
3:30-4: rest
4-5:30: study
5:30-6: rest
6-9: free reign. catch up, rest, anything etc.
9-10: review day's work
10-6:30 sleep (take pill @ 9:30)
Study Plan: Read the Kaplan Books entirely. Front to back, one book at a time. Once finished, go back and take notes, highlight the important things, etc. Once done, take a FL exam and check weaknesses. Once weaknesses pinpointed, start looking at KA videos to supplement the books. Need a flashcard system
I need to do something right. There seems to be something that I am missing, but what is that something? I have already forgotten. But I was in the process of making a nutritional plan. I was going to look at the small things of nutritional facts and make a plan based upon all of those put together. I was going to make a workout plan accordingly as well.
A tale of self-discovery:
I've come across the insp- or at least believe that have come across, the inspiration to make myself a better person. I believe that I have the mental power, the mental fortitude to begin my journey.
That journey is one of self-improvement. It is one that will guide me to a better tomorrow. I believe that I have the power to do what I must do. There are several distractions and obstacles in this break.
Firstly, I have to forbid myself from straying from my target. Such a target will be described later. Secondly, I must decide to dedicate this break entirely to bettering myself, and not straying from such a path due to ill motivations.
There comes a time where absolute ... (the word is stuck in my mind, idk how to get it out, homologous... sounds the same as d... whatever, I give up on that statement).
I will do what I must do.
Alrighty. So, this grand plan that I had was to simply do something other than what I am currently doing. There needs to be some change. There has to be change. I think I am changing myself, but not quickly enough. To understand what is changing, I must break down each element.
What am I doing? I am typing. What have I done today? I woke up, I played diablo 3 for... 5 hours, then I watched YouTube videos for another 5 hours, then I watched anime for a few more. These few hours are all you have for the day. These few hours constitute the entirety of a day, which constitutes the entirety of a week, which makes a month, which makes the remaining time of the summer break, in which you need to be dedicating yourself into studying.
All you have to do is study. All you have to do is read.
That is the only thing expected of you. I do not know why you are doing these other things, these other distractions- (BECAUSE ITS WHAT I WANT TO DO)
I understand now. My desires are keeping me from doing my work. I must not do what I WANT to do, but what I NEED to do.
But what constitutes what is NEEDED? How do I know what I do is what is needed for myself to continue? What is the end goal here? That is the issue.
Firstly, I want to become a doctor because they have money. They have money because they do difficult work. The reason why I want money is because I have been raised to strive for success, because none of my family is considered "successful" in the sense that we entities bring it.
As a mortal, as a human, this is my goal. Without bring religion into it, in a purely economic sense, becoming a doctor is considered successful because of the fortunes brought with it. That is why: because I want the money so I can do what I want to do, which is waste time. That is my ultimate goal. I want to waste time.
So, how do I reach that goal?
How can I waste time without harming others or myself in that process? Studying. But I do not WANT to waste my college life simply looking into books reading away. This is your own damn fault for not doing things the way you Should have done it., but alas, I am who I am.
My mistakes define who I am. My adventures, my stories, my actions describe who I am in this timeline; It is the history of myself; It is what makes me, Me. I will continue to do what I do, but I will have to aim it towards something else.
I will have to alter a significant part of myself so I can reach the goal that I am trying to each. You could argue that these newly found motivations that seem to override my overarching goal are merely distractions from the environment and are not to be paid attention to. You could say that they are the works of enemies, attempting to disdain you, attempting to bring you down into their level. But how I deal with these ... problem, is also a description of who I am. I will do what I will do, I will be who I want to be. I do not know why I cannot simply do as I please, but I will make an environment, where people cannot continue to pull me down. I will become who I must become, and to do that, I must look at things differently. (please just change yourself) I think I have to an extent changed myself, but as soon as I reach... society, there is a better way to word it.... as soon as I [talk to my friends] I immediately revert to another human being, I revert to myself, back to the original me, one who does not take shit., one who does not want to do anything, one who simply cruises by.
I believe that can be attributed to my desire to be accepted by others. Looking into it, that desire comes from a lack of attention in my childhood. It comes from traumas that have developed my learning abilities, or not developed, but guided it. What you learn as a child is what makes you a being. Your early developments are a sign of what you will become. Usually it is the antithesis of what you've experienced, because you want to experience what you have not yet.
For example, if I was poor, I want to be rich. If I was lonely, I want to be accepted by others, popular. If I was popular, I want to be alone. If I was healthy, I want to be sickly. That last one does not make too much sense, I guess, if you are sickly you simply want to be healthy, there we go. I do not know the other reaction. I suppose constantly being healthy and never having the opportunity to get sick ... I found it, such as immortality. People who are immortal eventually reach a point where the only thing they want to do is die. We all desire what we cannot obtain. So, what do I desire? To be accepted. that defines how I socially act, but that does not describe why I act unsocial. That could be attributed to the lack of social experiences as a child that I have encountered, but you could also say that its thanks to the efforts of my parents (or lack thereof) being antisocial in their own nature.
Why do I do the things that I do? You know what, I know why I do it. I. Know. Why. But do you know WHY? Do I know how to stop? I think I'm so much more than others, but I'm not (I'm not trying to break myself here, but without this pain, there will be no growth).
I will be the one in my story, I am the one; therefore, I will become the best that I can be. In my story, I am the main character. I experience loss; I experience greatness; I experience hatred; I experience anger; I experience emotions; I am me.
Exposition is just about over in this life. Soon it comes down to action. Action to get shit done. My development is slowing down, because there are now things that I must do, such as studying for this MCAT, such as doing this plan to get hot, such as defying the haters in life.
Do I even have haters? I may have people who deep down wish to see me fail, but I do not know who they are. I do not care who they are, because they can bring their mojo away from me. I will do what I will do. And that is that for this self-exposition journey for the day. As always, stay safe and enjoy yourself.
#So, what did I plan on doing? Reading the chapters and subchapters and determining which ones I needed to touch up on more before I take this FL exam. I needed to read the book and take some notes. I also need to create flashcards on the subjects. These can simply be refreshers and vocab terms as well as some key major topics found in the end of chapter summaries. I just needed to make sure that I know as much information as possible. Once I'm done with the main content review, I look at Khan academy and look at questions. I need to familiarize myself with as much questions as possible in order to get a good grasp on the layout of these things.
But seriously though, I need to stop worrying about what I plan to do and actually get down to business, because at this rate, I am not going to accomplish anything. I just need to get started and studying like asap.
I do not know why I cannot convince myself to begin. I do not know why I cannot convince myself to start studying. Do I fear it? Is it tedious? Am I just trying to get this perfect? is it my perfectionist within me to begin? Do I think too highly of myself to do this correctly?
So, it is time to finally get everything consolidated and in order. I need to rewrite the priorities on my mind. I need to do something about my current situation. I need to look at that game only at times where I am relaxing. I cannot focus solely on it.
I had decided for today to be one delegated towards studying for the MCAT, but yet, here I am doing absolutely everything else possible. I do not know why I cannot sit here and study... I do not know why I am so against this. I simply want to be able to do what I want to do.
This is the path to get where I needed to be. I need to figure out why I cannot fit in.
Firstly, I need to do something about my drowsiness. I do not know why I feel so empty inside all the time nowadays. There seems to be something lacking in my mind, but I do not know what it is. It may be an effect of the withdrawal of nicotine. I might have to fix that by giving myself small doses within the days, but I need to figure out a way to cut that off immediately.
I also need to figure out the best plan of action towards my mean plan. I have a lot of things needed to do. I also want to be able to play around in Ableton, but that will be moved to my free time, rather than encroaching in my study territory. I will get up early tomorrow, I will sleep at 10, I will do everything I have done previously to get my life back in order. I had such as good schedule made, I had everything settled. I do not know why I broke it again, all because of some E3? all because I wanted to know what kinds of games were coming out? No, I need to finally get this in order. There are many things bothering me right now, such as the effectiveness of the plan, the heat in my room ,the wires sprawling around everywhere. Most of this stuff are simply environmental hazards, and until I can finally get to het point of being able to handle such menial distractions, I will not please myself. I will suffer through this. I need a clear goal in mind. I need a clear set of motivational factors to keep me going at this path. I need something to guide me on the way. I need to follow up on these plans. I just need to STICK THE COURSE. I do not know why this is so hard. It shouldn't be. I have created a through plan, but there is something locking me from continuing. Is it fear of change? Is it fear of falling behind? What is behind to begin with? This is to race to the front. What I may be lacking during the summer of my college years will benefit for the lifetime of my future. I will visit the places I want to visit, hang out with the friends I want to hang out with, and assist those who need to be assisted. I will live a long and fulfilling life. These are my desires, and to obtain that, I need to get started. BUT (there's always a stipulation with this) I do not know what wall is blocking me. I can feel it, but its appearance is... transparent. Its existence is definitely confirmed, I cannot simply just... ... ... why- why am I saying that I cannot do something? I am who I am, I do what I do. By saying that I cannot do something, implies that I KNOW there are limitations to what I can do, which negates what my ideology of myself stands for. I am the one in my life. I am Me. This entity in my life can do whatever it can do. By saying that I cannot do something, implies that it has greater priority, greater strength, an existence greater than myself, in my perspective: to me. What I am saying may not make much sense, but it is a clear starting point for me to create a better tomorrow (for myself). People are selfish: I am no exclusion. I want what I want, and I will do what must be done to get my desires; however, what I want may not be what it seems. What I want may be what is best for the world. What I want may be the best-case scenario for others: but this "best" can be subjective, it can be disastrous, it can spell the end for others. I am losing track. I lost it.
What I wanted to do: clear my head, get started, and here I am. Getting started. Bye~!
So, I now have an idea of what I want to do... I have an idea... that is to get started on the questions. But here we are again. with the same wall that blocks me again. I do not know why I am blocked, I do not know why I feel dead. I do not know why I cannot simply just START. but instead, I am sitting here with nothing to do, bored out of my mind, and doing... nothing. I have no music, I have no friends, I have no thing to watch, I'm sitting here literally wasting away. Time passes by. I do not have much time left, and I am sitting here wasting it doing nothing. I do not know why I am doing this. I do not know why I do this to myself. I do not know why I cannot begin. What is this feeling that is stopping me? Is it depression? It is something I am not familiar with .Is it simply laziness? Is it something that has been plaguing my lifestyle for decades? I do not know. But thinking about other things, there is something that I DID want to do. and that is to create a game utilizing the features of fallout Shelter. I wanted to create something that incorporated these people, these customizable elements that progress throughout a certain conflicted area. I do not know what that conflict is, or how I am going to approach this problem , but it is something I wanted to do for a while. Maybe I just need to get stoned. I will go ahead and do that.
I am stuck because I do not know how I want to do this yet. I am confused on how I wish to answer these questions. Do I see which ones I CAN answer? Do I see which ones I CANNOT answer? Do I tell whether or not I ---?
Okay I figured it out. Firstly, I will go through all the concept check questions. if I can answer them, I will attempt to do so. The answer will be jotted down onto One Note where I can easily access everything.
After I write everything out, look at answers. Once I do that, go through the EOC questions. If I still can't answer them, then mark it down and go through Khan Academy
Ugh... this isn't working. I am going to do something new. I do not know how many times I've repeated this or have been making the same mistakes over and over again, but here I go. I am going to write down everything I wanted to do, everything that I wished to accomplish in my free time as I studied, because the incorporation of this 30minute free time is just not working. It is a break to prevent myself from burning out, but it seems like no matter what I do, it just keeps encroaching in my study time because I do not have a fixed schedule. I am going to do this. I am going to make this work > this will happen > I will make it before August Third. I will be able to make a perfect score. Here we go.
What I wanted to do was to create a game, was to make music, was to become fit, was to become strong, was to become a man ,was to become sociable, was to become someone that I wanted to be. Was to be someone loved, was to do something right in the world. I am not sure what I wanted to do anymore, but this is all that I wished at the time of writing. There were a few distractions, but that was just about it. I ALMSOT FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE. I wanted Pokémon. I wanted a living dex. I will achieve that one day. I will achieve a legit living dex. But this summer is not when I will complete it.
Instead, in my free time, I will do as I had planned beforehand; I will watch that damn show. Legends of the galactic Heroes. I think is the name. because everything else is just a-fucking-bysmal> I will also incorporate that into my other studies. As for my free time past 6, I will eat dinner and begin studying again. My time from 12:2 is going to be reduced to 12:1 because of the free time also from the 11:30 section… Lost my train of thought. But in all reality, I need to get to where I need to go. I need to be able to do what I wanted to do. Here we go man, here we go, it's about to start. What are the things I'm looking to not look at again? Distractions from the switch, distractions from the phone, distractions from the internet, distractions from the others, and distractions from myself. Are you ready to do this? Are you ready to take on what it takes to be infallible to distractions? Are you ready to evolve into someone who can use their third eye? It is time to begin the evolution. it is time to begin the metamorphosis, I will be come. I will win. I am one.
High out the fuck off my mind right now. I cannot think clearly, I cannot rationalize correctly either, but will do whatever it takes to get what I want, and that is something I will not let go. because I WANT it. I NEED IT. but I will get it. ; I should have worded that differently, "I will do what it takes to get what I desire", but there is obviously this wall that I keep referring to. is it literally just "distractions" ? Yes, in fact. The desires to be perfect is merely a distraction 0of what the true goal is. The goal is to reach the destination, not by HOW I reach it. Elegance in the process of the process, the derivative of the way to get there, is irrelevant. Only in the true goal is elegance achieved. And so, I must do what I must do to get what I want. I may lose some friends, or I may not. I need to make a sign. "CURRENTLY STUDYING" I also need to make a way for me to stay holed up in here, and way to freshen it up, because it can get pretty stale, pretty fast. Think of the ways to make it work, think of the possibilities. The ways you can live in here. Alone, beyond all human interaction. What a world, what a life I enjoyed throughout my childhood. Doing what I want, when I want to no restriction. It has evolved me into this being that I am now. Will I be able to achieve my goal any better than those around me right now? Which parent was dominant over their child? || A potato consists of starches and bioluminescence
I'm back baby, time for another one of my mindless spiels. I do what I do is a recurrent phrase that seems to pop out of my mind like it's nothing. Seamlessly thinking about it, quietly resenting the fact that I do it, and never acting upon such a statement. These are the loop cycles that I go through every time those words utter through my mouth. I cannot fathom why such a process exists within my mind, or why it must happen solely to me. (That is a [retarded] thing to say) but I said it anyways. I do as I please, is a truer statement. I do not understand what's so difficult with attempting to do what is necessary for myself.
Already forgot what I wanted to do man... this is just plain amazing.
This is something that I have had in my mind for a while. I do not know if what I am doing is the right thing for my life. I do not know whether or not what I am doing is the path that I want for myself. I believe it is because it aligns with everything that I want to do, and my motivations... what motivations. I need to remember that motivation is something that is consumed, something that needs to be restored every time I run out. I have my main sources of motivation, but I need to find more. What I wanted to do was to be successful. And what is the measure of that? I need to find something that assists my perspective in why I do not have any extracurriculars.
" I have spent my time not in pursuit of medicine, but in pursuit of anything that isn't medicine, anything that I MIGHT have an interest in. It isn't hard to prove a correlation between me and having an interest in medicine, but is that really my only interest? I had to go out and explore different options, because I live under a code: If I cannot help myself, then how am I able to help others? I want to know if This is what I surmounted to do. I want to know if all the imprints the elders had on me was something that I Truly wanted to do with my life. I dabbled in engineering, audio technicians, coding, video editing, story creations, the art of being an auto technician, and such. I experienced the menial task of being a web developer, I understand the difficulty in being a creative sound producer. I understand the lack of motivations artists feel when they cannot pick up a paintbrush. I understand the frustration of writers' block because I have had trouble creating a world of fantasy. All of these interests of mine, all of this extra time in pursuit of what I wanted to do has led me back to the beginning. Medicine is simply part of who I am. Helping others in a time of need is a rush that I get like no other. "
Here I am once again. Back to the beginning. I have managed to erode my self being back to its roots. What am I doing? What do I need to do? is this simply a means to vent? is this simply something that I use to get rid of emotions? How do I use my mind in an efficient way to get what I want? I need to build upon why I am feeling. Instead of simply seeing what it's like, I need to build something meaningful in this state. What can I do? What did I want to do with myself? How do I plan on doing things to increase my chances of getting what I want? I have more than enough time to do what is needed to do. I just need to not be... afraid of what is to come. So far, my future has nothing in its path, nothing to wait for. So, I need to get started. What am I doing? I have actually been more productive in my previous summers than I have right now. As of now, I have done nothing but play games and do shit. how can I study? How can I get what I want? I need to figure out what are my motivations. okay. what do I want? To fix my room. to clean my shit. Can I delegate a day to cleaning? This is what I'm doing right now, so might as well. I need to get this shit in control. I need to do something man. These questions are not going to answer themselves. I need to thoroughly understand what it's like to do something. Let's see........... I had many plans, but I need to focus on this one. Can I change myself? Can I change who I am? Thinking about my extracurriculars I have something: "I've seen many stories, many clichés, may different types of motivations. I have seen what people do when they're desperate. ( I have played many video games and watch many shows. I have read many books and attempted to create some of my own.) I would like to say I understand what it's like to have a main motivation that pushes people past their limits. A thorough understanding of the human psych. I have read many example passages for these essays, and done my research for what is needed, but to thoroughly understand my motivations, requires more than a simple page or a few thousand characters. Everything I have experienced, watching shows, playing games, interacting with family members, watched as the family crumbles, experienced how the slightest things can adversely affect a group of friends, I understand the small things add up in motivations in life. So to say that a single motivational factor has altered my perception of medicine is not what I'd say, but simply the entire collection of experiences creating a deeply rooted desire to understand and help others in needed because I know what's it like to suffer, I understand the pain of being alone and crying, and I want to assist others in that regards. Being a practitioner to assist those in need is something I wish to do. There are probably better fields than the current one I have desires to get into, but this is the best way I know how. My only quirk is that I need proper guidance because as of now, I have simply coasted my way throughout life. I would like to blame my parents, but they did the best they could in their respective environments. Shit happens. It's sad, but not everyone gets the same experiences that would be deemed necessary to understand. As for me, I have been under the illusion that I could get into anywhere without suffering, until I have been thoroughly humbled many times throughout the course of my college career. This pain, this suffering is simply who I am. It builds me up to become someone better, someone who can understand what it's like to hurt in the inside. I feel ... I may not have what , the experiences as in the medical field as some of the others, but to say that I have a lack of motivation because of such lack of experience is to judge a book by its cover. I cannot prove my worth by words alone, and I cannot redo my past mistake of misjudging the importance of my extracurriculars. I did not know that this was the course I wanted to go through. No one KNOWS about these things. As I have found through several readings, these other practitioners have had these single events, these one-time happenings that occur. What if, for me, it occurs AFTER the time period to apply for medical school? Am I deemed worthy then? I think Maybe, but what changes? My experience. (this is traying) I need to experience something. I need to relate my experiences to why I have been motivated. But my experiences. Experience is something I am lacking . (but then I can relate my experiences with families and friends back into it so it's not fully lost). I just need to figure out how to make this work because I am kid of lost as of right now. First and foremost. I need to get into shape. Mentally and physically. I need to get this right. I need to get busy I need to become autistic. There is only one thing I have to do this summer, and that's get this shit in the brain and make a 528 on the dan scoreboard. I might not have extracurriculars, I might not have these letters of recommendations, I might not have what it takes to become a true medical student, but I feel as if I am better than what it takes. I just need to prove my worth. I need to cultivate the magna opus of my bullshitting careers. I need to create the ultimate bullshit essay that will fool even the smartest of people and give life to my unfound perspective. Consider my life experiences a blessing and a curse. One of loneliness, one of pain and suffering, and one of undaunted autism, but I will get what I want. I just need to get past this barrier. This desire of no change. because once I go down this path, once I begin to understand what it's like to do something, I will never go back. But seriously.
I need to do something about this lack of change. I need to create a plan. This plan will have to be thorough. I will have to power through and not worry about burning out. I need to test it out. Whenever I feel like I am burning out, just type away and regain composure. I need to find certain motivations. That is what keeps me going. As I think about ... hold on (going back to the essay) I have many small interests that kept me motivated. I like to write, I like to create music, I like to draw. I like to be creative. But I want something more than to be something merely a part of this. (I'm straying once again) I need to do something productive. This is productive. This is altering my brain chemicals structures to better get what I want. I need to find out the best plan of action to get what I need. This plan to study, this plan. I have 4 sections I need to look at. and I have 40 days left. That 10 day a section bullshit ain't going to work. I need to level it down to 5 days. 20 and 20. This is going to work. I am going to make this work. Study nonstop for the next few days. Here we go. This is it. This is what it boils down to. No more games. I am going to clear all distractions from my room. I am going to do this. I am going to spend my time wisely and just shit on this exam. Here we go. I need to stop relying on the internet to help me create a plan . I need to create one myself. because if I am to go to med school I should self-explore and thoroughly understand what I do and don't know. I need to freshen up on everything I know about science. This exam will strain my brain and I will become a better person because of it.
So, what did I want to do? What did I plan on doing? What made me change my motivation? What did I understand or gain from this trip? I do not know, for it has all been forgotten once gain. I think I need to go back and thoroughly understand or not understand but analyze my psyche so that I can change myself for the better. isn't that the reason why I wanted to do this? Or to create a time change... no that's not it... create a time stamp of the mental changes within my head. To understand how I developed throughout time to understand what it's like to raise someone? No these are just thorough bullshittings to cover up the fact that I do not know what the hell is going on, and this is simply a way to vent. I just wanted something to work out for me, but instead, nothing is. I have to do so much work... but in reality, do I? Is this really, something to be proud of once its completed? Is this something that I can call my own? It is... or is it. I need to look at this and understand. Why can I not continue? is it really a lack of change? Is it just laziness? AM I overestimating the difficulty of this? It feels like there is a combination of the two. No desire for change while a hard hurdle to bounce over. This is simply what it's like to not be able to put in effort. Because this will require a lot of effort hence why I cannot simply mindlessly understand what these terms are. I fail to understand that to put in effort is to get rewards. I don't understand what this "effort" is. I keep thinking that it is imply a time input, but it's not. It's maximizing how much energy and thought you put into doing something in that time span. To maximize energy is to go at this 100% all the time. There is the fear of burning out, but how can I burn out? what is "burning out" can I simply push through? no because once that happens, I start feeling empty in side and want to stop. That could be detrimental to my studies.
So, what I can do is do the Feynman technique to test my understanding of the material. I can do this by utilizing this program into creating a series of sheets that are simply chock filled with information. Here we go man. This is it. I think I found something. As I read this information, I am going to create topics that fit the material, and once I'm done, I will take a test. This is just about similar to taking flashcards man... wtf. Okay, so that can be further (established) into making flashcards utilizing these questions as answers and understanding these questions can lead to an understanding of the source material. This just leads me back to my MCAT excel sheet. am I right to begin with? I just need to finish it and see man... I need to look at all the questions. I need to put into memory these answers and concepts. I need to thoroughly understand these concepts. Why can I not just open it? Because I want something menial. I want to stop thinking I do not know why, but that is just how I view work.... okay, so if I change that, what would happen? :Let's find the fuck out.
I also have this desire to make everything perfect. I just want things to work out the best as they should be. I am afraid of imperfections. Well guess what bud. nothing is perfect. In fact, LOOK AT YOUR DAMN ASCHUIWEDCLUEL (schedule) . Oh my god. I am angry.
I've been wondering about myself recently. Am I really what I seem to be? Am I in over my head? Are the people round me secretly plotting to bring me down? What do I do to contain myself and to do the best that I can do? How do I show that I am much more than what I appear to be? What have I done to distract myself? I have YouTube, anime, games, and friends. What else have I done? What are the things that I have done? I have drunk, I have drawn, I have gamed, I have played, I have experimented with sound, with CD repair, with creating a world, with coding, with website building, with auto mechanic troubles, with audio troubles, with spreadsheeting, with dieting. I experimented with music, I experimented with speakers, with alcohol, with art, and with creating games. How do I show that I am much more than what I seem to be? How do I show that I am more than what meets the eye? How did my grades end up where they are? "I wanted to see if I was actually performing as bad as I thought I was at peak momentum. I wanted to know if my intelligence was simply a facade, a figment of my imagination." "I took this time senior year to puta side my feelings, to put aside how I felt about things. I took the MCAT, I took a lot of classes. I had a clear goal and I wasn't about to let my past-self push me aside this time. May it be too late? Maybe. Am I still at fault for putting myself in this situation? Yes. I am responsible for my actions, but I do not want to let my past mistakes stir too much."
Looking at my reasons for why I am currently applying to med school, my reasons is that I do not have a desire for anything else that burns as brightly as for wanting to help people. I've experimented with music, I've experimented with creating stories, I've wanted to become an auto-mechanic, I wanted to become a mechanical engineer, hell my major was biological engineering at one point, but as I kept going through these classes, I've quickly felt that I was not where I wanted to be. I did not want to simply be calculating things and THEORIZING about what to build for "customers." I wanted a hands-on experience, I want a real impact. I wanted the thrill of helping others. The intro to engineering course that I took in undergrad opened my eyes, and my time spent throughout my "free days" helped solidify my decision. It may have been too late but wanted to be sure that I was taking the path that I needed. I did not want to be stuck in a life where I was not fully enjoying myself. How can I tell whether or not I am doing the best that I can be doing? How can I tell whether or not I am as smart and intelligent as I think I am? Is there a way to force myself to be diligent? Or is it all just "fake it till you make it" Shit sucks. I do not know my path , I am lost. I know I was lost beforehand, but now this is getting a bit out of hand. Should I continue, should I give up? I want to know. I need to understand. This is for a push. This is to show that I am delusional. I do not know what I need to do, and I do not know why I am like this. But I will solve this issue, I will gain back my pride. I will become someone who is worthy.
Okay. Here we go. I will do NOTHING but content review and see where that gets me. No questions, no problem solving, just pure content review. I will see HOW far that gets me. Once I understand just how far behind, I am, I will utilize that pain and sorrow to boost myself into a situation where I am going to ace the exam. Is this enough? Is this the best that I can do? I do not know why I am like this...
This is required. I need to understand. Life is unfair. I am in a peculiar position. I do not understand poverty enough to have a hatred towards it, but I do not understand the struggles that others went through. I still live a life of moderate comfortability. I do not have the motivations that others in different situations would have. I do not have the financial pursuit to study all day and exclude friendships, I do not have a love towards assisting others due to some tragic background, I do not have a connection to the medical community due to never being sick nor visiting a doctor. My grandmother died of breast cancer due to never visiting a doctor in 50 years. I've only been in a real hospital once, and it's extremely "debilitating"? No... wrong word yet applies in this situation. It is daunting, it is scary, it is change. Another bad quirk aside from neglect and procrastination that I understand of myself, is my hatred for first steps. unfamiliarity scares me. Change is horrific, despite it being good or bad. Why? because I have been COMFORTABLE my entire life. Up until now ,I simply coasted. I have done nothing. I don't understand why I am like this, I don't understand why I do the things that I do. But I am comfortable. However, when push comes to shove, I will do what I need to do. But what is it that I must do? Study/Content review. I WILL make it. `
Okay. So here we go. at my maximum. I am going to understand everything that I have. I will understand all of this in 22 weeks. I will understand everything. I may not have the motor functions that I may usually have, but my mental awareness is at its maximum. Let's go. man, I will go through o-chem and biochemistry at as fast as I can go. Should I go at equal paces of each of them or go full on biochemistry then o-chem? Let's go biochemistry just because it implements both facts at the same time. this makes it harder on itself and makes it easier for o-chem to memorize. Since ochem is just basically memorization at its finest, it'll be simpler than biochemistry. I don't really care about typos at the moment, I am just thinking gat speeds way faster than my typing ability. and so, to make up for the speed of thinking, I have to sacrifice accuracy of typing. Okay. so here we are, the middle of the night with nothing to do
It would appear as if we're at an impasse. I have an idea, but I don't know how to act on the idea. That is the blockage that I am suffering at. I need to figure out how to do what I am planning on doing. I do not know what path I must take, and I do not know exactly what I must accomplish. I feel as if there is something more that I need to do. I need to think of myself as someone greater than normal . I can teach myself everything in those few days, then I can do this to get the best score. I will put as much effort as possible to guarantee this score... I will do what must, but what do I need to do? I need to look at all this material and understand the concepts. I need to know how everything works. I need to know all the general concepts of these subjects. To do that I must look at all of the end of chapter summaries. I will look at all the statements, and create my own topics, and then elaborate on them I must be able to do this if I am to understand all of these concepts entirely. I must be able to go through a FL exam and understand what all these questions are asking. I must be able to understand everything that they are talking about. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. My step begins by me realizing that there is a simple path to understanding everything and that requires going against the norm. I will do what I need to do in order to obtain what I want. Fuck what everyone thinks, fuck what you think, fuck everything that is happening around you. I need to get this shit down. Alright. let's see........ There are many subjects. Biochemistry, Organic Chemistry, General chemistry, Biology, Physics and Math, and the behavioral sciences, where the khan academy shit can provide enough for me. JK What I need to do is be able to look at all of these subjects and understand thoroughly what each end of chapter summary is talking about. What I should do is write out exactly what is on these concept summaries, and then elaborate on extra papers. Alright. Speed is something that is not necessary. I will do this. I will take the time necessary to get what I want. I can copy and paste everything all day every day to maximize performance, but that accomplishes nothing. I need to absorb this information as thoroughly as possible. Starting with the first one that I see.
Alrighty. So, I had an idea. Looking at how stories are created, I could make a story that started off really childish. Think of all adult related themes, and think of all children related themes, and look at the essence of what each makes. Look at things like MHA, and how world building such as that can create marvelous masterpieces. I don't really know man. I just had a cool idea, at least one that I thought was cool.
This was stemmed from playing the monk class hall campaign. as I was saving the children from the infernals, I've had a thought about creating my own type of world, something that has been recurring throughout my past-times. I always wanted to create something, but didn't know how to do it, or how to go about it. Looking at the children, the thought of not saving them and having them all die, was something I was thinking about. This would result in a shock the main character would have. Looking into how the main character would originally be childish only to be broken into a realistic and dark world, and how to cope with such an environment, whilst keeping his original self intact without becoming jaded, is what I had in mind.
Thinking about this led me to believe that there are core essentials that I cannot fathom, at least right now, in the making of stories. These essentials help guide the narrative, not directly, but as an ambience. It is the environment. What I, as a beginner, need to do is to find out what these essentials are, and figure out how to modify them to create a [fulfilling] or [grand] narrative.
I would have to know many details: how to create a world, how to make characters enticing, how to create a compelling story, how to make these characters have a clear motive. I want something complex. Something that would keep readers entertained. A multilayer story is something I've thought of created. Something "Deep". But what is considered "deep"? That is subjective and would have to have a target audience, but I do not have a target audience. My audience is myself. I do not want to cater to the masses, I want to cater to myself. I want this story for myself, so I can show off what kind of an individual I am. There we go. I solved an issue I had for a while. (who do I write this story to?).
Looking back at the original topic at hand... What are these essential characteristics of stories? What is going on behind the scenes, underlying what the authors are doing on a bare minimum level? I want to understand to its core what these people are doing to create what they do. But how do I go about doing this? How do I dissect what is happening? In fact, what am I trying to do?
To go about figuring out what this unknown factor is, I need to establish my clear end goal, and work my way down. What I want: A compelling, multi-leveled story with many meanings, rich environment, drastic and impeccable character development and design, and broad imagery. Now... how do I go about creating this?
This is a clear example of having no clear goal. As of right now, I want many different things that lead up to a similar result: astonishment. Flabbergastment. Amazement. I want something that elicits these emotions from my readers, and more importantly, from myself. I wanted to create something that caters to my enjoyment: something that makes me happy. But again... How do I do this? what kind of thought goes into these stories? How do people create such things? How how how how how...
((I need to apply this type of desire to my studies so I can do what I want for the rest of my life.))
Look at the wikipedia link. I already forgot what the context of this was for.
Alrighty. So, the things that I have done so far are writing down the concept summaries for 3 chapters of biochemistry. I have around 9 left, and I have like 4 more subjects to go. What I need to do is write all of them down by today. I will make it. I need to focus on doing exactly that for the entirety of the day. Once I get that done, I will focus on memorizing everything else. Firstly, I need to write down those concept summaries. Looking t everything that I do not understand from those words will be this week's focus. I will be creating flash cards for all the unknown terms that are organized by subject name and chapter number. All these terms and all those other main concepts such as the 20 amino acid structures, names and such are going to have to be ignored for the time begin. Actually, I can utilize it as flash cards under the assumption that they are considered terms that I do not yet know. These "terms" will be looked at thoroughly for the next month. Once I am done with that, I will then start looking a t questions and methods on answering them best. And that concludes my plans for the MCAT. For anything that I do not yet know or cannot understand, I will utilize khan academy for extra explanations, but as of now, everything seems to be fine. I believe that I have the capabilities of making a score that has a significant impact on my med school application. Alright
Now looking at something else, I wanted to create a story. A story involving a character that is smothered in morals and characteristics found in like a child's TV show. Someone that is then thrown into a realistic world. One of heartbreak of death, and disease, and pain and suffering. One main show that takes a similar stance is Made in Abyss, where little kids are suffering immensely and are having to do what they can in order to obtain what they desire. Is that what exactly I am looking for though? I feel like I am stealing its ideas. It is a main motivation for the story that I am trying to create. I do not know though. I am simply attempting to do what I want to do. Okay. So, what am I doing as of right now? How am I going about this story? Did I ever find out the essence of these creations? I need to look at something else though. Something bout paganisms and something about that shit. All this ideology talks and shit... hmmm, I think I'm going to become one with politics. Someone that is capable of understanding everything and can simply refute their ideals. I am tired of all these arguments and friendships that are simply irreconcilable; idfk anymore, I am simply tired. I just want this to end.
I have little time remaining
I want to let go
I want to finish my job
I need to do what I need to do
I have decided that this is another TGHC
But... IDK how I feel about that man...
Thinking about something... I wanted to create a game similar to Octopath Traveler. An 8-bit-esque game with my own gameplay and story. Another thought that I had was to find the good and the bad of all the game reviews/story reviews and consolidate. This goes against what I originally wanted to do, (which is unknown at this point), but it is a path I've decided for myself. And I have no IDEA on how to bring this to life
I wanted to do something.
I am plagued with the notion that I have not done enough research, but if I am not going to do this "research", then I might as well just begin the story.
This is something else man.
While attempting to study for the MCAT I have come across a state of mind that is not good for my future at all. "What is the point of studying if I am just going to retake the exam later anyways?". Now I know that there are reasons why I should such as using the pressure of this exam to force myself to get stuff done beforehand, but I just DONT want to do that. It is that 'wall' that is repeated throughout the other TGHCs. What kind of mental barrier is this? Is it something that is applied throughout the entirety of my life decisions? Is it fear of change, or fear of something new? Is it fear of failure? There are many things that it could be, but I am leaning on the latter for now. Fear of progressing my life... no. I do feel like it is fear of failure under the guise of change. Looking at how I reacted towards studying for OCHEM and Biochem, and Genetics, I had given up for the majority of it due to such a demanding workload under such a short amount of time due to my inability for time management. I wouldn't say that I am unable to properly manage myself, it's just that I am scared of creating a time schedule. No, I'm not: I easily created a time schedule for the MCAT studying I had to do this summer, I just got distracted, and couldn't get myself in the game. But why though? why are these things the way that I set them to be? Why do I do this to myself? why am I even typing these out? This is simply an online diary, something to help me collect my thoughts under a "stressful" environment. This environment that I created for myself, this environment of failure, this place of inaction. What have I done throughout this summer? What productive thing have I done? I learned how to create music. I watched anime, I Drank a LOT. What else? I studied a little for the MCAT. I played games, I learned how to use excel. I learned how to Code HTML, I learned how to use parallax pictures to create an illusion of depth. I played WoW and explored the realms of Azeroth as I perfected the act of leveling. I created lots of playlists to assist in setting moods and nice environments for my current tasks. I played Borderlands, Diablo, Smash, Terraria, and other games. I just switch from game to game, doing absolutely nothing. I sleep for 12 hours at a time, cook food and play games. I created a nutritional program that should assist in creating a chiseled body. Does this amount to just about everything? Other than a few things I think I got the majority of what I've done.
I have located a potential problem. I am making time for others rather than myself. As they are free, then "so am I". I do not do the things that they do: when they are studying, I am fucking around. When they are done studying, I am ready to START studying, but then I have to play with them. I am l9ike a child, going from one game to another. How can I solve this? By creating a sense of self-discipline.
I will do the things that I say I will do.
This is an important thing to say. To be able to stay true to your word, whether to others or to yourself, is to be strong. To have the ability to back up your speech is power. As long as I understand this, I should be okay. Actually, the simple act of understanding is not good enough. I need to practice it as well. Looking at a close friend, I can see that he "understands" everything around him but doesn't ACT on fixing such problems. He simply moats around and does nothing. It's sad for him, but I guess I can thank him for giving another perspective in life to aid in my mission of increasing my wealth. I'm not going into details about WHY I'm [assessing; synonymous to acquiring]wealth, or WHAT this wealth entails, but I will say, it is a mission (not even a main mission). My main goal is still hidden. Consider it as looking into a field of unknown land, actually look at borderlands 2. As you acquire a quest, the details change as you continue because of new development. That is the same as my main objective in life. I have a clear direction, but as for the next thing I must do, it depends on what my environment asks of me.
Another side objective I have created for myself is to play some more with this crypto program that I found. I wanted to be able to create a... an encyclopedia of everything I have learned throughout my life thus far. Everything I contain knowledge about will be stored. I suppose it doesn't have to be locked away for now because I am not sure about the speed of processing the cryptologer has to deal with, and I do not want the hassle of having to unlock and lock it every day. So... I will just create a file and hide it for now.
Looking into what I wanted to do as of this Moment, it was to look at Male Fashion advice, figure out everything that people are doing, cross reference that with other websites with people that seem to have a sense of style, apply that knowledge to the niche community here in UGA, and become an idol. I do not know if that is the best route for now, but it definitely is an interest that I have. Another interest is to look up the best HIIT program I can think of and create the best program for my body. I need metabolism boosting workouts and metabolism boosting supplements. I wanted to burn all the fat my body contains and simply work on bulking up the muscle groups that seem to be lacking. I feel like my arms and shoulders are fine for now, so I won't be increasing their size anymore other than just toning. What REALLY needs support though are my legs. They seem to be lacking because of Muscle Atrophy. They have really gotten out of shape and needs to be increasing in size every day.
Looking into the Male fashion advice reddit, I also want to consolidate knowledge that Pook gives out, and supplement that with GirlsChase knowledge. I just need to look into the website that Pook browses and apply the SpeedSeduction tips there to really understand the mentality of women, so I can find a suitable partner. I am not rushing for vaginas, (although the ID within me wants it pretty bad), I just want someone to talk to, but because of current social norms, the burden is on Me (which I don't mind, it's just another obstacle giving me strength to become the best).
Also, I wanted to create a sort of naming system that seems extremely "cool looking" regarding everything that I am doing, stemming from the naming sense of certain elements in Ableton, such as S.C1A, for 'Serum Cthulhu mix 1' which is simply an instrument collaboration. This desire is somewhat rooted in the naming sense of Steins;Gate such that I wanted to become a scientist. Thinking about this also reminds me of creating special ids for online stores, such as Stephen's WoW thing and their id number... I forgot the name for it, but it was somewhat intuitive. (like that...) Another thing that I think of when I want to do this are Vehicle Identification Numbers, and how each VIN is special to each car. Thinking about that and having each document in my... encyclopedia (not just documents, anything file-wise) enclosed in my system. Such a system could be created using simply their categories, but I'd have to understand the scope of everything that I plan on learning about.
You know what? Let's do exactly that for now. Firstly, I need to create a guise so that I don't have onlookers behind me understanding what I am doing.
Okie dokie. So, what I wanted to do was look into how to create a naming system for everything that I have done. The Website things are called SKU's (Stock keeping Unit). One way I could do it, without being restricted by character amounts, is to use three letters signifying the category, a number signifying the subcategory (figure out later) and just alternate between letters and numbers. It is possible to use hyphens, do not overuse though, consolidate to only a single hyphen needing to be used. I'll just have to create categories. These categories include... (Here I am doing he exact same tactic that I hate online. all these articles online not having DIRECT advice, but merely mind games: they do not explicitly state how to do something, they just tell you the REASON to ACT, Like I KNOW I NEED TO ACT, I JUST NEED TO KNOW HOOOOOOOW). But anyways, these categories: music (MUS) TGHC [btw, these aren't set in stone, just to give me an idea], hobbies (drawing, video editing, art, studying, class, dates...) I can create an excel sheet that contains everything I need to know... I also want to know how to link a word document to have hyperlinks to certain points on an excel sheet.
How can I link this word document to other points in the word document? Can I create a list of documents (where am I going with this), Can I simply create an html file that has everything? I just want something consolidated with everything I know, with clear-cut access to it. I wanted to really play with consolidation and using my encrypter. This will be fun. But I also have other things I need to do. I suppose I could practice using two of my TGHCs or using the world building document. I'll have to find it somewhere...
There is a lot of research that needs to be done. I need to create a system to dedicate my time towards completing everything that I have planned. Firstly, I need to clean my room. Secondly, I need to get my life back in shape. I have some things I need to do such as sending an email and asking whether or not I can take more than 17 hours to graduate on time. I do not know whether or not I am capable of doing such, but I just might. Might as well try man...
Okay some reasons for why I shouldn't: It's too much for a person to take as many hours as it is; your history shows signs of not competing with such work. Counter-argument: I have shown that I can somewhat handle a difficult work load with minimal effort towards studying. It's my own fault that I did not put forth as much work as I should have, but I do think that I have the ability to make it work. If I don't, and I make the same mistake (negligence towards my studies), then I have bigger problems to work on other than my inability to graduate on time. My original path was to go to med school, immediately after my undergraduate, but as of now, since I never solved my problems and let it fester, my track record has been stained with filth. I am merely trying to show that the path I walk is not as bad as it seems, so I have somewhat of a fighting chance to make it where I want to go.
I can create these arguments all day, but in the end, if I do not send them, they're wasted words, and this is a waste of time. I just need to figure out the best way to send everything- I need to figure out how to beat this feeling of inaction. Can I burst through the chain? Can I overpower this feeling that is holding me down? Tune in next time on My life~
Naw but really. I feel like, once I get this shit under control, I have the ability to do anything I want. I don't know if this is true... I keep thinking that Once I start ... "typing away", typing everything and getting shit in a word document that it will ultimately make me some money... I will look at this after my MCAT. Firstly, I need to start reading the damn books. I need to get to work because I won't be able to tomorrow. I just need to get started.
Before I get started, I need to plant down my ideas... get back into investing. get back into TDameritrade. You've been doing everything wrong. you have to actively use everything you have to get to where you need to go. What I mean by this is: As you are typing out your diary, or word document, (create a monologue in Word to capture your thoughts), Use Chrome to find some resources to become the best you can be. Start off small. it doesn't matter at all how much you invest, just find a way to do it. Any income is better than no income. Alright? Do you understand? I fucking better man...
I can do this later, try August 4th. Remember, there another addendum to this TGHC on the phone. Type it down later.
Okay so there seems to be something that I have to do. It's to relax and carb load for the day. Since I am going to be doing horrible on this exam, I might as well just do the best that I can do. Be stress free for now. Once I get that complete, I will look at my current schedule and see if there is anything, I can do to make it better for myself. I'll have to do something. There is something. here I am once again. I have lots of things to do. I have to freshen up on my Japanese really quick, I have to study for the MCAT on February, I have to make sure my mom filled that sheet out, and I have to secure a ride to ATL tomorrow. once I get that done, I'll have to do some research on e-trading. Then I'll begin the consolidation. Thinking about that I do not know the exact process I intend on using to begin that though. Also, I kind of want to figure out what kinds of LN's VN's Mangos, and Anime I want to watch/read. Then I want to find all kinds of music to explore. A small desire I've wanted was to create a little vault within my HDD/SSD for my descendants to enjoy. I just feel like that would be something cool to do.
Looking back at my dreams, I've come to realize that immortality scares me due to loneliness. It is something that I'd have to do if I have a clear goal in mind. I would not want to live forever if I meant that I could not die. Actually, I wouldn't mind it. Despite the fear, I could be able to accomplish some cool stuff. But at what cost? And why would I do this to begin with? What is the reasoning behind accomplishment main goal was to be acknowledged? Here I am thinking that I'm a god, but in reality, I have other things to worry about. I can't be thinking like this in the scope of my current living status. That is something that I'll dedicate for another time. I have limited time available, and I'm not going to waste it thinking about this.
I need to reread all my TGHCs and consolidate them. CONSOLIDATION. That is the goal. The Human Instrumentality Project? That is the extreme value of what I desired.... interesting.
Now that I think about it, I have a clear desire for looking at websites such as Imgur or YouTube. Why is that? AM I just obsessed with looking at shit? Experience new? Why can't I do anything else? Why am I always looking at that stuff? What does it offer? It... helps me see new things. It helps me feel good about myself. It satisfies the urge to look at it. But what causes this urge? A desire for the unknown? Exploring the depths of the internet? An internet adventure... What the hell.
So, I've decided to look at how to use ThinkorSwim, and looking into the stock and how to do shit, but I need a solid ground on how to develop knowledge into dealing with these things. My dad says he has ways to acquire knowledge to do this shit, but in reality, I need to focus on myself. I want to be able to do the things that I want to do myself and learn to do them my own way. But as it stands, I do not know how to do anything. First of all, I do not know exactly what everything on the program does, and I know nothing about what everything can do. I do not know what to buy or what to sell. I need to figure out: what everything does, how to buy and sell, and when to buy and sell. I also need to look at strategies these people use. I have the mindset to do it, but I do not know what I need to do to get to where I need to go.
I have found a tutorial for everything thinkorswim related. But I am not sure where I need to begin looking at stuff in order to continue. Should I look at reddit? Should I go to YouTube? Where can I find information on this stuff? Let's see... Other than reddit and YouTube, I really don't have many other locations. I might be able to find some vague websites, such as all these "buy this guides" sites, but I might be able to find some good sources from reddit. That place is the hub for just about everything.
To make a list for everything that has to happen I need to Find out where the money is made, find out how to make trades with limited amounts of funds, find out what kinds of trades make the most amounts of money, and figure out which platform is the best for making these trades. Is there anything else? At this point, no. I might have to elaborate on other things, and I might find something else that would require more knowledge, but as a complete beginner, I do not know what I need to do.
For instance, Spread | Side | QTY | Pos Effect | Symbol | Exp | Strike | Type |Link | Price | (blank? | Order | RIF | Exchange...
Looking at why drugs are bad... there is a huge negative stigma due to the easily accessible bad trips and bad side effects of such. but I shan't explore anymore my opinion for now
Okay so to begin with, I am a little lost. I have a general idea on where to begin with in creating relationships with people, but to be honest, I am just afraid. Like, looking back at it as I am inebriated, all I have to do is contact people right? But why don't I? I literally just have to message them and BOOM! They'll come over once they're not busy. I mean yeah, they might be busy once I ask them because I don't know what they're doing in their life, but to be honest, they don't know what's going on in mine. I just need to reach out. I need to be the one that does the contacting, because I feel like everyone is essentially the same as I am. A little introverted. People who don't take charge. That's what I need to keep in mind. That's why I am the way that I am.
Okay so I've come to the conclusion that I need to hit up my “Friends” to continue the relationship. I have two in mind. The Russian and the Christian. Yan and Matt. So I need to hit them up through Snapchat and GroupMe respectively and invite them to SOMETHING. May that be Borderlands, or Smash or something. Rejuvenate those friendships, rekindle the fires within them. Also I wanted to look at The One and that group. See where that can get me. I just need to rekindle and burn these bridges and make sure they're rotten before they actually go away like many others. THIS IS THE DECISION OF DRUNK ME. FIND A WAY FOR SOBER AND TIMID ME TO MAKE THIS WORK. I do not know why you don't do this already man, you would be so much better off if I ran things tbh lmao
Like honestly, if you're not doing things because you're second guessing yourself, I mean like if there's only a few small reasons stopping you, THEN FUCKING DO IT. Let the wishes of drunk Me be known man. Let him show for once. I know it may be hard, hell it may even be wrong, BUT REGRET DOING RATHER THAN NOT AT ALL. Think of the stuff that could change this semester. This… is the dream. Make some friends, explore new horizons. This is where Life begins… but only if you play your cards right. If you lack the courage, look back at the feelings of me Right now. FEEL HOW I FEEL. DISCOURAGED. ASHAMED. TIRED. I NEED SOMETHING NEW. And here you are, continuing the same ol' same ol' when there is literally new shit right in front of you. Just go and grab it. This is it man… here it is, this is the chance. If THIS doesn't convince you, then there is no changing.
You may be asking, “but what do I say,” and I say, there are many fronts. I am actually not sure. “JUST USE HER AS AN ASSET,” talk to her heart to heart. Get her out when she's bored… do something man. Literally anything will work tbh. Just work your way in there
So here I am wondering what the best way to take notes is. I am having trouble understanding what must be done in order to get what I want. I feel like I have a great idea, but I have no idea how to make it happen. I guess the only thing stopping me from doing it is my inability to draw out what I want. So here I am, attempting to mentally visualize what I am trying to do. What I wanted is something that is text editable with ink drawing so that I can text out some shit about the drawing. But I also wanted to consolidate such information such that it is easily ingestible. I wanted something like the anime, something where it shows a single scroll / page that has everything you need to know. I also wanted to make sure that I have ALL the information available. What I'll have to do is keep everything general and vague but have hyperlinks to databases where all the fine details are kept. Keeping things in layers will help keep things organized. Look at generalized views and look at how deep these things can get. I suppose what I could do is to utilize Evernote to show the importance of each bit of information on the book, such that the indentation of the sentence within Evernote would signify whether it is important, or whether it is a fine detail vs a general broad perspective. Kind of like chapters and subchapters. but going even deeper into the paragraphs. I think I'm just going to have to take the L on this case study because I have no energy or motivation to get it done right now. I need to focus my efforts on getting this damn exam under wraps, so I don't do too terribly.
I also want to create an Evernote on EVERYTTHING I've done so far. That means text, that means WoW, that means everything. Including the TGHC's. I think it is a great platform to consolidate everything while I get the webservers initiated, simply because I want to get the consolidation process undergoing due to my desire to make sure this will even work. Aside from that, I also need to go through all of the BCMB chapters once again to truly understand it all in case I DO take the MCAT. I also need to apply for the shit, reply to my advisor, ask for some help etc. (this shit I need to apply for is graduation.) I also need to look into applying for those classes in the summer. the May-mester classes. I also need to look into the AA program, shadowing in Bremen, and getting a job / extending the loan payments.
Am I seriously in the state of mind where I have to do this now? I guess there is something in my head that I want to accomplish but do not have the mental capacity, or the mental framework to accomplish and need to find a way to change myself to achieve it. What is the first thing in my head, to complete my homework. "I need to force myself to do it" is what I'm thinking. I need to understand that there is never going to be a "perfect" time to do what I want to do, I just need to do it regardless of how I feel. I need to be able to force myself to do what needs to be done regardless of the situation and what I expect to do in such social situations. What I mean in social situations is what is normally done in a group setting, such as playing around or talking. If I have the ability to push through that, to push through my perceived boundaries and simply do what I need to do regardless of the time and place, then I could do so much more. I feel like I am constantly behind in my work because I never am able to do things when "normal" people do them, but what I don't realize is that "normal" people don't do this stuff to begin with. I don't know why I can't simply just DO something about my situation. if someone needier was in this situation, they would have absolutely no problem. This is like a first world problem situation but in regards to an educational sense. "I don't want to have this kind of future, so I am not going to study" is the kind of mindset that I seem to have right now, and that is very destructive towards my resume and GPA etc. I don't know how I am going forwards in life after Spring semester, and at this rate, I am probably going to end up stuck at an 8-5-day job doing something completely fucking mindless. I need to find a way to convince myself to escape the current perspective of what to do in my current atmosphere and to accomplish what I came here to do. I feel like my goal has waived a bit and I need to come back to reality. I had a specific place in mind to go and for some god-awful reason, I am doing something completely different under the guise of it being a hobby. I read manga instead of homework, I play games instead of studying, I go out and party instead of applying myself towards a greater future. All of these people are doing what they can to acquire their goals, and I feel like connecting to then on an entertainment standpoint (attempting to have fun with them when they're "available") is my current downfall because all these people have different schedules and does not coincide with mine, leaving little to no room for me to accomplish what I want to do. I have come to this realization awhile back, but for some reason cast it aside and pretended it never existed. I suppose I am scared of change, and that the whole point of going to college to get a successful job is to have an easy and meaningful life, but if I already live a meaningful life WHILE in college, then what is the point of doing it? what I didn't realize is that when this period of my life is OVER, then I will be one of the few that "peaked" with no future that has been worked out on. yes, doing what I have been doing is what the ultimate goal was, but this haven only lasts for 4 years. At what cost did I want to have fun? I was blinded by my desires to enjoy life to the fullest whilst in undergrad that I did not work on getting a resume under my belt for a brighter future. Woe is me, yes, I know. This is a measly problem that can be corrected quite easily, but this correction is a huge mental hurdle for myself, hence why I cannot seem to understand why I do not want to change. It is quite easy for me to say, "Just Do it," but for actually changing something like doing my homework... actually acting out my words is something that I cannot seem to do. I suppose I need to work on self-discipline by starting to act on my words. From this point on: IF I SAY SOMETHING, I'LL GIVE: A TIME, A PLACE, A DEADLINE, AND ACT ON IT. I don't know why it has taken me so long to come to this, but I finally reached another mental developmental checkpoint. Once I get past this hurdle, I'll start working on fixing the problems that arose. "If an ignored problem hasn't bitten me in the ass, then it wasn't a problem". The problem with that statement is, what if the bite is a life-crippling attack?
Well I've come to a conclusion the other day. I am no one's best friend, but merely a secondary in many lives. That itself tore me apart internally because I do not know where to go from now. Do I take the forbidden path, or do I go anew? I've also come to realize that sexual and social life does not end after a messed up collegiate lifestyle, for the real battle comes afterwards. Going more into actual jobs and work, I feel like there would be more opportunities in places like NY, LV, or any other big city. All I have to do is make the connections but doing that seems kind of difficult. What would I have to do? Talk to people. Find out where I can find some big shots and make them my friend. I feel like I have the personality to do that if I truly wanted to, but I just never acted upon it. I can definitely be an eye-catching bombshell, but that is a time for the future. What I wanted to delve into today was something else actually. I wanted to explore the concept of overstimulation and the innerworkings of ambition and the effect of maximum pleasure from minimum effort or work. For example, if I were to read manga all day long, in the expense of my dad paying for my phone and internet and food, then that manga will be fulfilling all the desires of my day. I will have no more ambition to keep on keeping on, and instead, create a drive towards reading more manga and watching more anime. In a sense, it is like drugs, in that its addictive properties for minimal work is too hard to pass up. If you were to have to work to read, then you will be much more productive, but if you can simply ingest as much as humanely possible without a hassle, then it is possible to be burned out from life and remain ambitionless because of pure satisfaction. This leads to not wanting to do anything productive if anything at all. it is similar to the moment after masturbation, the pure bliss and content felt after climaxing. For a short while, there is nothing in the mind but resting and sitting in happiness, but as time goes on, the dreads of life seep back into the mind and you slip back into reality. Such is possibly the same with any wish-fulfilling activity, such as the stated: manga and anime. Now, the whole point of this is to point to a new possibility: if such activities can destroy ambition, then can it also CREATE it? By rerouting the means of acquiring such access to these activities, such as only being able to listen to music after completing homework, or only reading manga after completing some chores, then the desire to do so amplifies much more due to the desire to do these activities. By creating a resistor in the current, by limiting access to such stimulating activities and putting it behind a metaphorical wall of chores and work, , the only way to get stimulated is to scale the wall (being productive) to get to the other side. Looking at how much stimulation you receive from completing such work is also important, since simply completing one activity, such as cleaning a simple dish, does not equate to reading an entire novella or 20 chapters of a manga. Creating a breadcrumb trail allows one to stay on track without becoming too lost in the sauce (overstimulation resulting in mind block, the lack of desire of doing anything), or being too daunted by the sheer size of such a wall to begin with. Moderation is key.
So, I'm going to have to use this to keep an eye on my mental status throughout this whole ordeal. I really need to go back through and read all my entries in this series. I feel like it's been long enough and that I should be reflecting upon everything I've been writing about. Also, I've come to the conclusion that I want to be able to manipulate my emotions on a whim with certain thoughts. I feel like by using the... wordology (?) of my previous thoughts, I will be able to elicit certain feelings of that mood. I.e., if I am angry at something, I just write what I feel angry about and how I feel angry and then later on read it and it should give off that mood. I feel as if I try to eat (?) that mood as much as possible, feed off the emotions off the pages, then I should be able to (theoretically) manipulate my emotions to whatever I want to be. The only problem is attempting to mark down every emotion that I want, plus the effectiveness of the words may weaken throughout its usage. Also, I feel like this isn't an emotion builder, but merely am ambition setter. like "I HAVE TO DO THIS", or "WHY CAN'T I DO THAT?" but idk anymore, I'm just trying to get these grades back
--22 hours later--
After a full 22 hours of :studying", I've come to the conclusion that I am kind of fucked for these upcoming exams. I do not have the motivation to do what it takes to make an A. I've calculated it out and I can only miss approximately 30 points combined total for both exams (230 needed to make a B while 250 max gain from exams) so this final is going to have to be an Ace while this other exam can flop (with an 80) [like an 80 is a flop??]... still I am kind of worried man...
Here I am taking another shit with something in my mind forcing me to write this. I feel like I have fucked everything up once again, but alas I am still here. Are my efforts long in vain or am I still on this crusade to accomplish what I desire? My GPA has tanked, my motivation is nonexistent, and my desires are everywhere. Looking more into my desires, I feel like it can be viewed as a net: you cast it over what you want and if the net is strong enough, you have the possibility of obtaining such, but if your net is too big or too widespread, then it will simply break. I believe that if I am to accomplish what I want, do what I want to do, and see the things I want to see, I need to focus my efforts on a single target. I have no master stratagem, I am simply blindly walking towards something. I do not know where it leads for my eyes have no clear target. Even if I were to be looking at something, there are too many distractions and too many obstacles in my way for me to focus on my goal, not to mention all the different routes I can take. What I do not understand is that if I do not choose a certain route (due to fear of committing myself for that option), then I will end up falling in a hole or ditch and be unable to get out. I will never accomplish what I must. To get what I truly want, I need to focus. I need to enlighten myself and practice self-discipline. I need to be one with my id.
I have wasted a lot of time doing nothing so far. I spent the past week playing Factorio and watching anime / reading manga while accomplishing absolutely nothing that I wanted to do, such as researching up on day trading to make millions or creating a website or finishing the TGHC series or creating my story, or even figuring out what I am going to do later on in life. How am I going to accomplish anything by sitting here doing nothing except pleasuring myself? I need to figure out how to get myself out of this system and doing something productive. Why don't I want to do anything? What did I want to accomplish using the little computers that I have at home? Why did I want to do something such as that? Why did I spend the money? I need to find all the questions that I have and simply insert them into this thing because if I don't ask them, then who will, and if no one will ask them, then how will I figure out the answer? Why? Why is everything the way they are? Why can't I move? Why am I stuck? Just... move... I want to create things, like playlists, little automation devices, literally anything and everything that I can think of, but at this rate, it is just not going to happen.
And now begins a new chapter in the life of Me. What can I do with this chance given to me? what can I accomplish utilizing what is around me? What is possible with what I am? I can be so much more if I wanted to. Is something I want to say about myself, but I do not know really what I am. I do not know my limits, I do not know much about what is required of me. I do not know what I amount to, but I do feel as if I can accomplish a lot. How can I avoid a future where I am doing something I do not want to do? How can I live a life where I do what I want? How do I set myself up to do the things that I want to do? Did I squander my chance already? Did I miss my opportunity before I was aware? Why are chances like these given too early in life to adjust to the changes of parental lifestyles and how the world works? Is my adaptability not as well as I thought it was? Do I have a misguided sense of what I'm actually worth? Who knows man. Who fucking knows. The only thing I can do at this point is to do the things I want to do. And what do I want to do? Preparation. It is time; I see a chance, I'm taking a risk. will it be the end of me as a free individual and forever be a slave, or will it be the key to the goal of my perpetual success? We will see, for who fucking knows.
On another note, I need to look at all this and write down the overall arching meaning behind each entry. I want to do something that resembles "life lessons", something I can pass down. My experiences that leads towards obtaining Zen? What am I, a philosopher? I mean I could, for "I can be so much more if I wanted to"... but alas, I am not, for I am going down a path that was seemingly chosen for me by societal constructs and a lack of motivation to change my destiny. I suppose that is what's keeping me down. Nothing to truly push me to become more.
Ideas:
How to create a game where the foot soldiers are able to locate enemy projectiles, able to distinguish whether or not they are going to die within a certain time frame from enemy attack, and whether or not they have reinforcements and can attack and gang up against a monster. There has to be variables to show visible strength vs actual strength, there has to be a way to set those values against perceived strength and see whether or not I can create an NPC. I mean an actual NPC that can learn. I simply want to create something that is capable of learning and can decide on its own. I need. Creating this game, I can also make a way to link perceived power to actual power, so in a display of strength, the perceived power increases or decreases to its actual strength. This can be used to distract enemy foot soldiers or attract them etc. This could be interesting. First, I have to be able to program the soldiers. This shouldn't be too hard, I can simply start off with circles. Then use health bars above them and an unseen power variable between each circle (NPC)
Under the guise of what is happening, I appear to be happy.
I wish to create an offline website that will contain everything that I wish to say.
I have three columns to organize my thoughts under
One can be TGHC, another can be...
Hey, I have a complex question that could use a simple answer
Are we friends?
Now the question of "when should I release this question" comes up
Also, how childi- THIS IS WHERE THE FACT THAT I SHOULDNT THINK ABOUT WHAT THEIR OPINION COMES UP… I can rationalize this question to: what is the best time to furthest guarantee a response? I need to do something and that is to delay my MCAT exam to a further test date and to actually study for that damn thing.
html idea, on the selection tabs, have it escalade to different tabs , aka when you select one, have it flip into a new selection of tabs, rather than having just regular buttons that sit there, it's a selection of variable buttons.
Can be used for MCAT Prep, to organize all the subjects into different tabs.
While I wait for myself to gain composure, I will create the outline of the game that I was talking about. I need to be able to create NPCs using a single button, may it be from a visual one or physical one. I also need to be able to move these NPCs around. (I actually don't need that) I also want a UI, that is something that has been haunting me for a while, now I am starting to put my own personal preferences onto this game. I simply wanted to be able to use those ideas I had earlier to be able to actually make it. In order to do that I need to create a new paragraph.
Alright, I need to have NPCs hold value, so it is going to have its own class. Then I need to assign values to it, and those are perceived strength, and actual strength. Things will have a "power level" that will determine its overall attack strength. I can also add efficiency to this game, but that seems like it'd be too in-depth. I do not want to get too complex on my algorithms because I have yet to create my own yet. I am simply using ones from freaking Pokémon. I so not know why I have all these grand schemes but unable to create them. I guess it stems from my narcissism skewing my perception of how smart I really am. I would like to say I am above average, but now I begin to stray from my goal once again.
Firstly, I need to get this out of my head. I need to write it down and to collect my thoughts. I do not know why I am doing this. I need to do something about it. I am feeling dissatisfied again, or not dissatisfied, I am too satisfied, too saturated. I need to stop all forms of pleasure. I need a way to drag myself out of this state of mind, similar to grounding oneself after state of anxiety. This is the best that I have. This is the best that I can do.
So, I ended up making a few Ds in my spring semester junior year, nothing has changed, only the same old same old. Why do I subject myself to this kind of treatment? Why do I never decide to change myself? Why do I do the same shit over and over with the same results? Do I truly not desire to change? Am I really the same person? How do I get myself out of this situation? I could always negotiate with people with the assumption that undergrad is the time of period of growth and self-exploration, and that these grades are a result of me attempting to find new horizons to explore myself, or I could go ahead and say these grades are a result of me attempting to find growth as a human being, why would I be perfect straight out of high school? You don't see high school students going straight into med school, you need growth, intellectually, physically, mentally, socially, or through other methods. For me, it was a work ethic growth. and that is obviously defined throughout my senior year. I have found myself, I found what I needed to do. And this is what I would come up with and define throughout my college career. As a student, a youngling, I am someone that still has room to grow. I do not need to grow intellectually, but of someone that is unmotivated. I do not need to study the books, I do not need to read chapters among chapters of biology, but to read self-help books to improve motivation to increase the chances that I would actually do well to perform. Most of these C grades are a result of an unmotivated self, attempting to "Cruise" though life, as described by many aspects of my life. I could have gotten straight A's in high school, but I managed to make a C in health. I could have gotten into Georgia with an Athletic scholarship, but I decided to be physically lazy and stay inside all day. I could have gotten many extracurriculars, but I have Zero, due to a desire to adventure in fiction. ... I do what I do, and that was what I needed to change. Because of the fact that I am getting these grades, not due to me being unable to handle the stress of class, but due to an inability to find motivation to continue my class
A new year, a new me. I've come to the conclusion that I do not need any more support from people around me. If they do not want to help, I don't really care. I'll help myself. All I ever wanted was a little support and guidance, but I never got that. The only thing I've done so far in life is coast my way into something. I feel like I never really got a chance to choose something for myself. I'm actually just extremely fed up with everything and just want things to stop. All of these attachments are simply holding me back and its really toxic for myself to be welled up in something that I don't really want. So, in order to get myself back into the system, in order to be as independent as possible, what do I need to do? What do I have to accomplish, who do I need to talk to? What do I say? I have Health Insurance, and that's it. I have admission to UGA and access to their advisors, from there I can probably get some connections. What do I need to do? Who do I talk do?
"Okay so I've come to the decision to take the AA route, but I am a little worried about the financial situation. Originally I wanted to go to med school, but due to a mistake from a lapse of judgement for a few years building up day by day, I've messed up my GPA more and more // I just want to know of any ways to be able to attend without worrying too much about it // I am worried about being able to get in with my GPA // The whole point of the AA program is to ultimately get into med school, and I'm wondering if there's any way I can skip that whole step // I wanted to attend med school but now I don't know if I can even get in... by no means am I unable to handle it, I just don't know how to get in with my current track record and quite frankly, that was my only goal and now without a chance to get in, I kind of set myself up for failure. I've decided to steel myself and decided that this is still my goal and I do not want to do anything else (to further enhance my chances to get in). I also do not have any more support from my family due to circumstances, which is also why I'm having to email since [shit just hit the fan], and I'm really worried about what's going to happen. All I want to know is who do I inquire about job opportunities with a biology degree while I attempt to get into med school... "
I don't fucking know anymore man... I just need to go ahead and email her, but I really need some help right now. I just need a direction to work towards, I need people to talk to, I really don't have anything going for me anymore
Questions:
- If I do want to do this, what do I od
Okay, So I have nothing I want to do anymore regarding a future. I do not want to be a doctor, I do not want to go into engineering, I simply want to exist doing what I want to do, which is pleasing myself. How can I achieve this? How can I get what I want? I suppose there has to be pain either way. I need to see if I can actually land this job prospect as an anesthesiologist assistant. I simply want to be able to do something half-heartedly and still make a decent living. I suppose I can build my wealth through different means, but I simply want something to focus on and grind away at. Grinding is the name of the game, but I need a means to grind. Looking at day trading, I have the means right now, I need to understand that I have to get started to make a killing, but there's where we have a problem. I do not know how to get started, and I do not know if I WANT to get started, because I am scared of losing everything. I also need to figure out how I am going to pay for the maymester courses, and I need to figure out how exactly I am going to apply for this stuff. I do not know what classes I want and do not know if I have a ride, but I'll figure it out soon. everything could be solved if I had some cash. In fact, all my problems revolve around not having enough money, so I need to find a way to solidify the means to get a stable income. Day trading is not a stable income, but merely a way to GET some money. But alas, a problem in the future is something that I cannot focus on in a daily basis, it is a means to strategize and set a course to head towards to. My daily focus should be towards completing the tasks at hand and making sure my course has not diverted.
Okay so what needs to be done? What do I have in mind that I want to do? The major one is to ask the person in question out. This whole notion leads to the idea that the breakup that the friend is going through is equivalent to what I am going through right now. His inability to give her up, the pain and suffering he feels towards losing that, is, in a sense, exactly the same as what I'm doing right now. I do not know why I hold onto these ideals so blatantly, despite my near hypocriticality. I've come to the decision that I either need to capitalize or burn the bridge. I need confirmation. Yes, I can simply stand by and do nothing, or I can continue on the journey of change. This is a retarded circumstance, I am fed the fuck up with what I have been going through. I am tired of being the 7th wheel in these situations, I am tired of this false happiness, I am tired of being tired. A clear desire within me right now is to become independent and be financially stable with no worries. A clear image comes into mind. One of me within a quiet apartment in the city with no connections, and completely shut out, cut loose to create new ones so I'm no longer bound to these old friendships. I can't lie and say that it hasn't been fun, but I can say that it has been uneventful. Nearly everything I've wanted to do, I haven't. Nearly all my ideas have been shut down. I simply want to have fun and enjoy my time here experiencing new things, but I still have these childish and kiddy demands simply due because I have not experienced anything yet. (I will not go into details because it should be clear to me and only me.) All I ever wanted was one thing since entering this establishment, and so far, it has not occurred, nor does there seem to be any sign of it occurring. All the connections I have created were cut and everything I have done for the last 3.5 years has been wasted. It has been a blur and filled with strife and unfulfilled desires as well as disappointment, but I've tried my best. I tried to get people to do what I want, but the crowd that I've managed to get acquainted with is simply not one that coincides with what I want. I feel like this is something I would desire AFTER I get what I want, but I cannot simply skip steps and enjoy adulthood friendships without having an adolescence. All I wanted to do was to enjoy my late teenhood, unwatched, unsupervised and free, but alas, my circumstances led me to become what I have become. Alas, I am who I am thanks to the people around me, thanks to the family members that chose the wrong decisions, the ill judgement of the folks that I care about. Death has occurred thanks to it: may it be physical or social, but some bonds have been broken thanks to their choices. I will become a man that will obtain what I want to obtain. I will be who I want to be. I am not a puppet to the government, I am not a tool for the rich, I am not a child to my parents, I am not a crutch to the feeble. I am me, and I get what is within my reach. I strive for what I can see, and I wish for the best of my life. Nothing gets better without bettering yourself, and the only person that can make things right in your life is yourself. There are many things going on, there are many problems. Something you should do is to break down the problem into manageable chunks until you eventually solve the entire problem. Sometimes you bite off more than you can chew, so you either can spit it out or chew in portions until it's all swallowed. There is a solution to every problem. Your problem is time management. How much of your day goes to constructive and positive, meaningful activities? How much of your day is wasted and spent doing nothing but passing time and putting a band-aid on a deep wound? Sometimes the solution hurts. Sometimes, the only thing left to do is to step forward. There is no reason to stay still, stagnating like a coward in the face of a problem. The faster you deal with your problems, the quicker you can obtain your goals. Life isn't going to hand you everything. Despite how you've gotten thus far, nothing stays the same. Change is inevitable, the trick is to turn it into your favor. How life changes is up to you, but if you do nothing, the hungry will take over. The starved will eat you alive. The desperate will deceive and use you. You will be cast aside and rot because you aren't almighty, you aren't a god, and you aren't anything special. You are you and your worth is the decisions and choices you make on a day to day basis. Your worth is defined by your history and your judgement. Your status is determined by what you've accomplished. Why sit around and do nothing? Comfortability is a construct of the human mind. Ignorance is bliss, and bliss is comfort. To be comfortable is to be ignorant. To be ignorant is to be in lack of control of your surroundings (in this stage of life). True comfort comes when you've acquired a world where you can relax without worry: to live day to day with no overarching problem threatening your lifestyle. Major problems are clearly apparent as of now, so to be comfortable is to invite danger to everything that you've “worked” for up till now. What can you accomplish with what you've been given? What can you do to get what you desire? How will you get to where you want to be? These are the questions that define who you will become, who you are, and what you will amount to be. To truly become the man you wish to be, you need to ponder upon what you want to do, what you need to do to get to be ABLE to do what you want to do, and the best, the most fulfilling path to obtaining wealth, whether that is social, financial, or emotional wealth.
Spitting this junk out is easy though. Being able to utilize the ideas above is the issue. How can you implement these ideas in your day-to-day lifestyle? What are you WILLING to change, to actually sacrifice? What is the future worth in the short-term perspective? The mindset of the day-walker is different than the night-borne. The ones that are locked away have all kinds of grand schemes because that's what they're used to. The ones that are doing stuff are always thinking about the best thing to do at the moment. There needs to be equilibrium between these two mindsets at every moment in order to truly obtain greatness. Having the judgement and willingness of the night-borne, with the desires and the actions of the day-walker are two elements that need to unite.
Coming in on another perspective, to truly change things, to prevent you from typing this shit out and then just second-guessing yourself and stopping yourself from commencing the “Change”-Operations, you need to change the mindset you are in at those critical moments. To run away and to lie in bed is not one you should be acquainted with. You need to EARN EVERYTHING. You need to ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING. Work on some self-discipline. Look at time management skills. Here's a to-do:
DURING YOUR 3 HOUR STUDY SESH, WORK ON LIFE SKILLS: CREATE TIME MANAGEMENT SHEDULES; EMAIL ADVISORS; SET UP APPOINTMENTS; GET RICH QUICK; START NETWORKING
Monitor changes in mental state. What are some questions that might change?> A major one is: Are you willing to text her? And the course of action… the variable to monitor? It's obviously my response, but how should I best monitor? What can I do? Just keep checking to see what changes within my judgement. See WHY I don't want to text her. As of right now, I am at limbo.
- 5:40 = Kind of do, kind of don't. I just want to be able to eat my egg salads and defer the task to the later date because I am scared and lazy. Plus, I don't think she's awake right now (this could simply just be rationale to not text)
- 7:10 = I still feel like I would at this point. I don't know if that's because of the testosterone flowing through my veins along with the pre-workout or what…
- 8:30 = As I sit here, I've come to the conclusion that I do not want to do anything. I suppose it is the depression setting in as fatigue plagues my system. The inability to continue or begin anything at this time of day proceeds to grasp me as I sit here and contemplate why I am always doing nothing. I suppose I just need some motivation. What motivation do I need? I mean come on… seriously? Am I really content with sitting here doing nothing? Ah this is it. Anger motivates me for change. The desire to become independent. The desire to become alone. The desire to start anew, cut all ties and begin again. Whatever shall I do to get what I want? Create a plan. Theorize texts and convos. There was something I wanted to look up: “How do people meet each other?”, “How do I network?”, “How do I make friends post-education?”
- 9:30 = Looking back at it… I can motivate myself with anger. I do not know exactly WHAT I plan to do with this motivation, but I suppose I can simply spark it into something different. It's time to experiment. It's time to test out these bridges and see where it will lead me, may that be a ravine or a gold mine.
#This is another level. Looking towards everything that I have done so far, This is the next level. I don't know why I do the things that I do, I don't know what lead me to this series of decisions, I don't know why I am the way that I am. Ways to change are unapparent, ways to fix are invisible. I don't exactly know what I am doing in the future, but I now have something to strive for. These last 5 classes that I have to take, I am going to do as well as possible. I sit here, on the beach at night, waiting for something to happen. I simply want to do something correct, I simply want to do something fulfilling. I simply wanted one accomplishment, but alas, that wont come. Nothing will simply come. It has to be strived for. It has to be acquired.
I don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel like an edgy freak. I feel like there is more I should be doing. I feel like I am wasting away, doing stupid shit. I don't know why ia m doing this, I don't know why I am not doing anything fun, I don't know why I am doing what inia mo doing right now…
Clear the mind. See where this gets me… I cant stop thinking about that shit… The F… The Ds… Everything went wrong. This is the bottom. This is the first time I've failed something. It hit me hard. I cannot believe that that has happened. I Cannot believe that this is going to be my life. I don't understand what is happening anymore, I don't understand why this shit is going so wrong. Do I even have that shit on? I need to apply for some shit because the first day of school is tomorrow. I need to figure out my shit. I need to figure out what I am doing. I need to do something right. I need to fix everything. I feel like this is my chance because I broke the cycle. I broke it. I am now on my own time. I “graudated”, I am with the group, I have done whatever I needed to do, I have gained independence. I don't need people telling me what to do, I don't need people to tell me how to do what I'm doing, I just need to do it myself. This is my last semester, time to do what I can the way I can. This is my time. Hello Me.
I'll be taking a few classes in the semester. I'll be doing a few things to accommodate my bad habits. I'll actually be doing good. I don't know why I am doing so bad, I don't know why I cannot do the things that I need to do. Actually, I need to look at the class load that I need, and see if I can sign up for everything that I need. I need to find the fall semester and sign up for everything. Can I avoid the Ecol professors? Can I avoid all of those people once more? Can I take a summer semester ecology course? Please I hope to god I can. I will actually sign up for it.
I realize that there is a hope. This is porbaly a blessing in disguise. This is a beginning to a means of an end. I might be taking a detoured route, but it's a route that I'm willing to take. I have the hardest classes behind me and here we go: simple courses. I am not going to take the rest of those classes, I just need to make sure that I have the necessary precautions taken because I am not a good student. I can start drinking every night, but I need to actually be doing my shit. I don't understand why I cannot ge through to my head. I have car though so that is going good. I have some things going correct for me. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, but there is another few more months with my boys. I'll be doing what I can to get what I need done.
As I close my eyes, what are the firs things that I see? I focus onto appoint. I focus on this spot to clear my mind. I see buildings. This resembles Into the spiderverse.I see a wicked landscaope, I see… a mankey. I see… Music. RandB… Classes, courses hunger. Story, aleer, WoW, classes, notecards, anki program medschool. Beach, wet, sand swimming, pool, fun, house brigewater, sex, people, fun ,thriving, last semester, pain, fearm scared, determination, independence. Separation. Done. Finished on waiting. No longer limited. I am mylse.fI wantto do the things that I do. But I canot do it, I need to DO it, not say it.
If I don't have the willpower to do the things that need to be done, then do I actually have the power to do anything? If it isn't done, then I cannot do it. Its as simple as that. Simply having the potential for doing something does not imply that you have the strength to do it: it has to be shown through action. The strength to do something of that sorts is what makes a person. Anyone can potentially do anything, but the separating factor is what they do with what they're given. What makes a person a person are their actions rather than their thoughts or feelings or potential. Understanding this and utilizing it to the greatest potential, actually USING this idea to further yourself in life is whats going to make a difference, rather than simply living life and “Coasting” through like a fucking retard.
I just want to clear my mind and enjoy this week doing the things that I want to do. I need to look at the classes that I need to take and only take the ones that I need for the summer. I'll be taking Ecology in the summer and for the other semesters, I'll be taking those other courses. I can finish it all fall semester and then from there apply for the AA program. I still need to email her but I don't exactly know what to write down. I don't know what to say. Do I grovel? Do I bother her with menial questions? I just don't know. I need to take the MCAT again and take my time.
So here I am once again. Unbeknownst to me is whats to come. I sit here lost, I sit here alone. I sit for myself. The only people I can talk to is myself. The denizen of the basement. The one man. It's a little ridiculous how I managed to get myself into this situation to begin with. Like, I don't know why I do the things that I do, and I don't know exactly how to fix it… I suppose I'll just let it happen, I'll let it go.
You know, as I ponder about myself, about why I do the things I do and why mu life has lead to where I am today, I think I finally have a grasp on what drives my choices. I've always clung onto the idea that I was lazy in life, that I just needed to do things to get better: I just needed to DO it. (it being anything enticing, something to get me moving), but it has never occurred to me that it was something else. I've always felt... tired, but never addressed exactly why because I thought it was normal. Laziness equals tiring. But recently, I've been having some pretty dramatic mood swings. Now, it might not be that bad in comparison to others, and in fact are probably normal, but in my life, these swings are far worse than anything that I've encountered so far. I would be doing what I normally do, but then after a little bit, I become extremely... tired, depressed, exhausted: unable to WANT to do anything. There was no desire, except to sit and stare at the ceiling. I attributed that to overstimulation, which lead me to develop a few more theories about myself. One was that I never take breaks. I never actually stopped thinking about random things. Summer breaks weren't vacations for me but merely independent research time to develop skills that distracted me from my ultimate goal. I didn't stop: there was always something else. The restless nights that I thought was just a mere case of insomnia was merely a result of my head constantly running. The only time I would actually sleep would be after my body catches up to my head and I collapse from fatigue. I let myself get distracted badly, but it was never a conscious effort to do so. I believe it was simply a fear towards taking those steps towards my true goal. I thought I was scared of change, but it wasnt exactly change that I was scared of. Figuring this out took a little bit of self-inflection. I began to think about the things that got me scared, I thought about how I feel when I'm scared, and in what situations elicited that emotion. I feared doing things for the first time: learning how to drive, going to college, doing drugs, talking to people. I started actually thinking about WHY I was scated of these things, it it was, respectively: crashing the vehicle, leaving my family, getting caught, messing up first impressions. I wasn't actually scared of first steps, I was scared of MESSING UP. Now I wanted to know WHY this connected to my "laziness" in school. How does a fear of messing up lead to laziness? How does a fear of messing up lead to poor decisions? How did I make these decisions without realizing? This can be attributed to my "laziness" in school: due to fear of becoming a doctor, a fear of messing up something vital, and accidentally ending a life. I clung to the notion of being lazy because it was easier than admitting that I was scared. I couldn't accept being scared because I'm no scaredy-cat. I pissed my bed for years because of fear and I wasn't going to let that control my life, therefore, there was no room for it to control my decisions. Consider it a childhood trauma of fear of not being accepted by the people close to me because being scared lead to pissing the bed, leading to teasing and joking which increased fear of losing friends: loneliness is my nightmare, and I'm living it right now. The reason why solutions for laziness never worked was because that was never the problem. The reason my grades are so low isnt because I was too lazy to learn, I was ALWAYS learning something new in college. I learned how to code in 7 different languages, I learned how to paint, digitally and physically, I learned game theories, mastered excel and word, dabbled in the art of music production and music theory. I created nutritional dietary plans and workout regimes. WHat all of these have in common is that they are separate from my goal. I spent more and more time away from things that progressed my life because of a fear of messing up being a doctor. I was hesistant towards taking advancing steps because I knew it was heading towards something I couldn't handle. If you knew walking forward would lead to you getting hurt, would you do it (under the assumption that there would be nothing to gain from this pain)? WHy drive into a brick wall when you can simply stop the car and do something else? I don't know whether the choices I made were subconscious or not, but the choices I made were to rpeserve myself from feeling that dread of approaching something I feared. Since I had control over my life entering college, rather than following a preplanned route like in K-12, a life where ressitance would be more trouble than simply facing the fears, I began to rationalize all these bad choices throughout my daily life, which accumulated into what my GPA has become. Each day I felt I needed to study, I rationalized to begin studying the nEXT day because I wanted to "enjoy what little time I had in college". This can be seen as a subconcious alteration to my true feelings, which is a fear of approaching big responsibility from fear of messing up, doing something wrong. But despite thinking all of that, the thought that I was simply a lazy bum in my early years that simply indulged in self-pleasure and laziness does not leave my mind. Is all of the above simply a mere rationalization to protect myself from the guilt of messing up a perfectly good opportunity to acquire fiscal and emotional success, putting myself into debt for no reason with very little wiggle room to get out of, and ultimately at risk of being a disappointment to the people close to me? Probably... I don't know, but what I do know is that RIGHT NOW, I'm hesitant towards doing anything anymore, because RIGHT NOW I'm scared.
So here i am unable to reconsolidate all my missing files, all my scrambled emotions, and all of my loans. I cannot fathom why nothing is working anymore, and I don't understand why I cant simply do anyhting right...
I need to sit here and reconsolidate. Looking towards everything that has happened, and looking into the future for what is to become... I wanted to do something about the TGHC series. I wanted to look towards a new horizon and figure out how I can utilize this newly found motivation to become something more than what I've done so far. I may have lost a few GREAT entries to the series; however, I feel like I've internalized what they meant. I may not be able to evoke the same emotions as I had when I had written them before, but I feel like I must try again. Looking back at it, I had a plan. I don't know where it went, I don't know how to get back on track, I don't know what I was even aiming for back then, but it's better than what I'm doing now. I literally sat down for a week straight and read a book that has nothing to do with my life. I sat down and wasted a LOT of time on nothing.
Looking back at myself invokes a feeling within me at this moment. I have so much I wanted to do but cannot because of a simple lack of motivation creating a will to not want to change. Despite my many different emotions towards this feeling, I simply cannot fathom why I cannot do what I wanted to do. In order to regain what I lost, I will now attempt to gather the emotions and words I have lost: I need to change. Me, You are sick. Let this be coming from the inebriated Me. You have a sickness that cannot be cured from inactivity. You are setting yourself down apath that is near impossible to return from. Listen to this song (Moonlight - XXXtentacion) and let the feelings come through. You have a sickness. Change is inevitable. SHe is not worthy of you. Look at it all. Feel what it was.
The only reason she even hung around you is because of similar friend groups. If that wasn't the case, she wouldn't even look your direction. (This goes towards a new epiphany that I had: i need to put myself OUT there, i need to meet new people, I need to get a job, I need to join clubs etc.) Now looking at the whole concept that you shouldn't be targetting one girl is something that is not feasable at this state of your life right now. You know nobody. Nobody knows you. All these feelings are gone, and you are alone, so what you need to do is to get out there and make some connections. Create a network. Social proof yourself. You CAN go after that, but do not put it on a pedestal. She is not the goal, she is a stepping stone. Look at it this way: IN order to get her attention, you need to learn new skills; however, the goal is skill acquisition, not her. A stepping stone. Use the words from the website: YOU ARE THE CATCH. SHe is not. Are you saying that you Want her? Are you attempting to say that her attention precedes your own importance in your world? Have some pride man, you are the catch, she is the chaser. Not the other way around
Change is inevitable. You need to change because nothing in life is constant.
Now what is truly in your mind? What do you really want to do right now? I want to do something better. I wanted to do what I wanted to do but now I realize just how empty everything I've been doing is. I understand that the things I am looking for is not the goal, but I still want to be able to grab them because they are the steps towards something else. Just because You have the enlightenment and the experience to say that it isnt the goal does not mean that I can skip that entirely. I still need to experience it because I need to climb the hill myself. I need to understand internally that what I am looking at is not the goal. Just because I fell behind, just because I found true enjoyment in highschool while everyone else did what they did... Just because... it hurts and I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I feel like nothing will change at this rate, and I don't know how to change anything anymore. I feel like everything is falling apart because I fell so hard and so far behind. My grasp on my future is surely and slowly waning and I'm not sure if I can even make it anymore. My goals are starting to look like pipe dreams, and I'm not sure what I need to do anymore. OH FUCK I ALSO LOST EVEYRHTING REGARDING THE STORY... I might have an evernote for it but we'll see.
I really need to expand the scope of my TGHC series. As of right now, it s merely being used to help gather my thoughts when I feel truly lost, and nothing more. I need to start writing down how I feel in different emotions so that I can look back at it and use it to my betterment. When I Feel motivated, Write. WHen I feel angry, write. WHen I feel sorrowful, write. WHen I feel happy, write. ALl these different states will help me understand emotions better, and writing down all these different things assists me because its RAW data that can be used later on in life for true extrapolation. Once I understand myself, I can do some fun things, but for now, its simply the period to mine. I have to get this shit on the road. I have to truly understand. Like for instance, the effect of music towards my emotions, and the exact way that emotions attach to certain keys and chords and the importance of happy / sad chords in comparison to how people feel etc. I don't really know, I just need to do something about it.
So i needed to do several things. I needed to fix my laptops (For no reason really, I just wanted that damn thing to work, but maybe I can wait on that. I don't really need it). I also want to buy another stylus, and I wanted to get my loans in order. I also want to play WOW classic but that aint gonna happen, and I also need to study for CBIO, and I need to ge tthe syllabus for that one class, and I need to email the advisor from Emory, and see what I can do. I need to understand what I need and want to do later in life. I need to get a grasp of my life and really hammer down what needs to be done to get what i Want. What is it that I want? I want to find the best way t oget as much money as possible with as little effort as possible. I also want to change who I am, and change how people view me. I also just want a lot of materialistic goods. That is simply a step towards enlightenment, but I have these desires that need to be satisfied. I have to get them in control. The main reason why I want to do all this is probably because I feel unsafe. I feel like anything and everything is on the verge of falling and crashing, and I have no way to control anything. I just want a grasp on what I need to do in order to solidify the security around me. I just want to feel safe and sound so I can do some research to get what I truly want: satisfaction.
I just feel like there is something more than that. I feel like my goals are lost. I feel lost. I don't understand, so I need to ask questions. I need to understand. I need to find out what I need to do.
And here we are again. An attempt later, and many signals gone wrong.
Looking back at it, I feel like there could be a lot more to work on, but alas, that requires me to get out and do stuff. Other than that, I have to figure out Where to go to get what I want. I never really got a chance to do that yet and I'm kind of starving. I feel like the playful thing could work, but I need to incorporate more sexual emotions towards that. Also, I need to understand how to create a playful attitude in a different kind of setting, such as in a bar. Like looking at that stage, how do I create conversation? This is difficult. ALl i can think of is going to the football games and attempting to find that girl. How do I initiate conversation
There is a burning feeling of frustration and anger within. A feeling of desire, a feeling of sorrow. Emptiness envelops, and there is one thing that I know MIGHT help, but I don't have any friends that really want to DO anything. What is it that they do? What do they want? They are comfortable in their position and have no desire for change, which is not concurrent with my situation. THis means that hanging out with them does not accomplish things that I want to accomplish and that there is really "no point" in continuing this relationship considering the fact that they really aren't trying to continue the relationship with me. No one talks to me, I talk to them. Chasing is not something I like doing. Like, what am i Trying to accomplish? WHat am I trying to do right now? What was I trying to do at Nash? I simply wanted to talk to the girl and get to know her, hang out with her and do things that I wanted to do.
So what came over me? WHat stopped me at that moment? Why didn't I talk to her? I even verified that she was behind me. I doubt there is a lack of interest but alas I never changed did I? It was the exact moment that I wished for, but I didn't even act upon it. What you need to understand from this is that there are no perfect moments in life, you just need to act upon your impulses. You need to have aspirations and actually STRIVE for the. I don't see why you talk such a big game and NOT go for it. Haven't you been trying to force yourself through these situations? I mean, YOU DONT NEED TO DEFINE YOURSELF BY WANTHING NOTHING BUT WOMEN, simply asking them out and enjoying yourself with them is the goal. From there you become the catch and you can ease the loneliness that way. The whole point of half of the book of pook is to help yourself become a better man which makes you a more valuable target for women. Making yourself a better person helps you ge tthat goal. That is the only surefire way to get what you've been missing out on. Sure, you didn't get some in HS or college, but is that representative of later on in life? YES IF YOU DONT CHANGE NOW. THats the issue i have and thats the number one worry you should be striving to ease. What's the best way to do that? Change your habits. Talk to women. Just talk and enjoy life.
No they're not gonna sex you up immediately after talking. No it doesn't mean you'll get a GF after one session. It just means you'll make friends, you'll learn to step out of your comfort zone and ACTUALLY TALK to people. If you approach, the wall ends, and a new companionship begins.
What really makes you frustrated? Is it the lack of ability to do what you wanted to do? Is it the lack of friendships and opportunities that you squandered? Is it your poor decision making skills and your fear of change? What is it? What is keeping you from doing what you WANT to do? You want it, admit it. You wanted to turn around and talk to her, but what kept you from doing exactly that? Break the habits. It'll be a tough and arduous journey, but it needs to happen. Life I previously said (in a lost journal), You are sick. You need to understand that, truly reflect upon it, and change waht needs to be changed to have a fulfilling and successful life.
Looking towards the whole concept of conversation and picking up clues, there is one thing: experience is key. THe more you talk, the more fluent you become in body language, in social cues, and in being a general conversationalist. THrough that you can then utilize your skills to acquire what you want. Being dense is simply the consequence of having no social experience
Looking towards my future, I had the idea that what I'm doing isn't exactly what I want.
What I WANT to do is Work my way out of work, so what is the plan? Getting a job as a Doctor isn't something that I want, since the only reason that I'm doing it now is to get an income and be financially stable.
Like, I'd rather do something I enjoy doing because it doesn't take talent or skill to do soemthing good. It takes time and experience, and the underlying trait that develops those characteristics is something called a Will and Drive. If there is no drive, if there is no will, then your future would only be bleak, driven to work and back, stuck in an abysmal habit of doing something to achieve stability, and not truly enjoying life. What is a life without enjoyment? What is life without freedom? A cog in a machine is not the life I want, and AT this rate, that's how I'll perceive the job. Maybe I should take a year off, let my perspective of it change. Maybe I just need to ge tbored and find some joy in helping others. There is clearly a lack of drive as exemplified by my subpar grades, but my intelligence shouldnt be something to be questioned. I at least have the average man's intellignece, and with that plus a drive and will, I can achieve a lot. THe problem is finding a path I want
I don't know if this is the path that I want to go through. I don't know if its the decision that needs to be made. I just know that at my current state-of-mind, I'm not going to enjoy the future I chose. What I want to do focuses on self-improvement and self-satisfaction and sharing that joy with others, become the best we can be. I might have seen some quality of that in being a doctor, but I feel like the ebst way to achieve that is through helping those that want to be helped, which are those that have the knowledge and will to accept help before things go bad. What I want to do is to get a sufficient financial backing and create a business that can assist: nutritionally, mentally, and physically.
Is this the right choice? Is this what needs to be done? Am I making a mistake? By choosing a different path than the doctor dream, I create an identity for myself. THe path of the doctor is the path of security. THe risk of failure is low in my point of life, and the payout, if things go right, would be considerably high. THe journey of self-improvement is something many people want for themselves, and they have to work for it which is the business model that I wanted to put together. I would show them the path, and I will help them correct their way of thinking to achieve what they want.
If I were to do what I want, to take the risk, I need to do it now. This is the chance i need to exploit. Without any responsibilities, without anything I need to do (except to eat, and pay debt), there is almost nothing holding me back. What's the worst that could happen, my plan crashes and burns, but this is also a journey of self-betterment for MYSELF, as well as the clients. Stay on the path of security, or risk it for the biscuits.
Thinking about it again, I get a little despirited thinking about it because How many people actually want to self-actualize themselves into what they want to become? Who has the strength to do it? It'd be a failing business model since who wants to endure pain for superficial qualities? I can't tell if this is just the depression hitting or if its how I feel. I need to carefully look at my options and see what is the best plan of action. Why don't you look at everything and see what could go wrong and plan EVERYTHING out and just have a flow chart? Create endless contingency plans. I don't see whats stopping you since you don't really do anything
With nothing to do, nobody to talk to, nobody who wants to listen, and no way to get better, it seems like my journeys are to be made alone. My travels are to be made alone, and my future is to be created anew with people from Now being forced to be Past.
Cast aside those who do not wish to go along. Cast aside those who wish to keep you behind. Cast aside those who do not aid you towards your goal. Cast aside those who care not for you.
Who truly is part of your life? Who is just with you due to proximity? Weed them out
On another hand, what is it that I want to happen in bars, in going DT?
I simply wanted to socialize and find some girls who want to be a part of my life, may it be for 5 minutes or 10 years. ALl i want to do is expand my social scope and talk to more people and have more people talk to me. All i want to do is have fun. I Want to play around. I want to create things. I want to do everything I want to do, but everything I want to do is either A) meaningless, or B) impossible to do alone.
THe group of friends that I'm acquainted with is not exactly the best with my interests, which leads me to believe that I just need to start anew. THese guys are content with their lives (or so it seems) because there is no true will or drive to create change.
I try to bring up things to help , I try to get people to do different things. I try to show that the easiest way is not the only way, but alas, its all for naught. My ideas are cast aside, and all I am are just ideas.
Since my opinion does not truly have weight, since there is little respect, since there is no faith in what I can do, I will take it away. I will do what I do and do it elsewhere, someplace where it IS appreciated, some place that IS responsive.
Now logistically speaking, what is it that I wanted to do AT The bars?
Like, if you go down there, what is your plan of action? What are the steps you would take to get what you want? Is this even the best place to do what you want to do?
Art class is the best place because it is the introduction of you to multiple females in that course. You have a gateway, the projects. You have a common interest (art / science).
The only thing stopping you is yourself because of FEAR OF FAILING?!? You only fail if you have a goal, so change how you think. The only thing you should be doing is talking to people and making them think you're cool and exciting.
***
Now in the morning after you've slept, how do you feel about everything?
I feel like the security route is the best because it guarantees a future (actually it doesnt). ACtually, I'm not sure anymore. I might enjoy the restaurant business more than I think I would.
All I really want to do right now is have a solid plan of action. I'm sick and tired of coasting my way through life, and I'm sick and tired of my day and nights being dictated by the whims of others. I want to do what I want to do, without the baggage.
And now I finish my day thinking about my life. I want to create a big fucking thing that has the entirety of the DJ bible into a nicely coded HTML setting, similar to how the Book of Pook is set up. I just need to copy and paste all the text so that it is like that.
When you're getting soft-minded, anxious, or doubting whether or not you want to do it, read this: DON'T LET YOURSELF FALL SHORT, YOU'RE SO CLOSE. YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN REBORN, JUST GO ASK. DON'T HIT THE STEERING WHEEL. DON'T DRINK YOURSELF TO DEATH. EVOLVE AND INCREASE THOSE NUMBERS. DOUBLE IT IN ONE MOMENT
It doesn't matter whether you fail or succeed. The experience itself is a moment to learn with either outcomes assisting you for the future. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND OTHERS THAT YOU WON'T LET THE FAILURE DRAG YOU DOWN. Be open to new possibilities.
I feel like I need to reread a lot of things that help me create a state-of-mind to change shit. But, before I do that, I have to reaffirm, or confirm what I want to change into. I have to figure out what I want to do in this life. I have to figure out exactly what is the best course of action and act upon it.
What is it that I want to do? Do I want to help people physically as a doctor? Do i want to be a slave in the hospital? Do I want to help people mentally and emotionally as a guru-esque figure? Do I just want to create a restaurant and have a little business from there? Do I just want to make a doctrine or a guide (self-help) book?
I need to look into all of these aspects and see what course of action is the path that I desire.
What are my reasons towards choosing any one path, list pros and cons. What beliefs do i want to adopt? That will be a major factor in choosing a pathway for the future. What is my end goal? What do i expect out of the end?
The eternal meme shines once again. Alone in a house that isnt even mine. Alone in a life that I never asked for. Alone in every aspect, in every facet of every interest. What can I do to mediate this despair? What do I need to do to fix this pain? How long has this been happening? Is this just me being me?
I will attempt to fix this by reading the DJB. Previously, I would just watch anime, play games, or make music, but now I like to read self-help articles. I will write out the main driving point that each article attempts to lay out, and compare it to my previous journal entries. Its time for reflection, its time for analysis, its time for a decision.
So, to change myself is to change my habits. To change my habits is something I CAN do but DONT do. I have placed my desires upon the backs of others and let them choose what happens to me, but I have yet realize that my habits have been forged by THEM, and that placing my wishes upon them, expecting them to help me change is a sinking boat. I have to move on, I have to be a new man. My new birthday was merely a point that catalyzed the new beginning. I need to develop myself more, I need to motivate myself more, I need to educate myself more. A new me begins next weekend. A new me will arrive.
But the more I look at it, the more I realize that the TGHC series is simply a crutch for me to use in a time where I cannot seem to fathom a way to embrace the fact that I need to move on. I have an idea, but I cannot seem to act upon it. I have a plan, but I cannot seem to take action upon it. I had several chances to begin anew, but alas, something is keeping me behind.
Is it that hidden factor that has prevailed me for years? Is it truly a lack of motivation? Am I falling apart due to an inability to cope to my newly founded methodology to acquire my desires? What is it that I plan on doing? What path have I set myself upon through inaction? What Do i really want to happen? What I mean by that question is this: Looking at the judgement and decisions that I have had throughout the years, there is clearly a subconsious desire to do something, right? What is that subconcious telling me to do? What is driving it to do what it does, and where does it lead me? What does IT desires? Is it simply the manifestation of my fears that I have held within myself? Is it something that has emerged from my past? Is it the answer to the questions that I've had for the few years? What is it that it is trying to get me to do? What is its true goal?
I don't know what it wants, and I don't know how to convince myself to act upon my new ideology. I also don't know HOW to act upon the ideology because the logistics of what constitutes that state-of-mind is still something I cannot fathom. I may have the motivation to do something, but without the skillset to actually conduct those activities, then the motivation is useless. Same can be said vise versa: without the motivation to do something, then the skillset acquried becomes useless. It doesn't take a genius to become a king, it takes a smart and WILLING man with a DRIVE to become king.
It's like, what the fuck am I even doing right now? This just all seems really fucking ridiculous, and everything I'm doing just feels like superficial bullshit with no real meaning. No one wants to do anything, no one wants to really talk, no one is in the place I want them to be at, which is something that I should consider when trying to get them to do things that I wanted to do. Why haven't I truly accepted that fact? Why can't I just move on?
I really do need to start looking at the logistics of what I'd do in many different situations and scenarios. I need to have clear ideas on how to liven up and have fun in even the most mundane environments, because that is what makes someone enjoyable to be around. I've had trouble with this because I always try to get people into different situations without suggesting something to do, and without that suggestion, then you would essentially be doing the exact same thing (nothing), but somewhere else. Like, action dates comes with the pretense of solving that issue of doing something, but going DT is without that pretense, without that predetermined activity except to drink. Now... what is it that people enjoy doing? What makes going DT fun? There really isn't much to do except to drink, hang out with friends, and people watch. That is the majority of what occurs, and just about the only thing that happens DT. So, what would make me enjoyable? What would be something new and exciting?
I just feel at a loss at what to do. I know I need to be the one to suggest things, and to be able to convince people to do it, which is something that requires charisma, but what do I suggest? I suppose I need to start doing some research on what constitutes fun, and how to get myself into a state-of-mind of being capable of thinking about what to do.
Well, its the night that i said I'd evolve in, but alas nothing is truly happening lol. its the same old same old. What did I expect. What did I want to happen? I didnt plan anything out, I didnt force any change, We had the whole crew come out like I wanted but alas nothing changed. "Where is she going?" he asked, "Idk, I answered." I looked toward the street expecting nothing more than what was given, for I had already given up. It was already a rocky start to the night, and that sealed the deal. I couldnt enter the places I wanted to enter and we went to the one bar I hated to go to. We went and did the one thing I did not want to happen because what else is there to do other than that? Even the other groups up and left to go do something else but alas, nobody was up for anything fun. I handed out shots but no one took them, which was a clear exemplification of what they preferred. A clear notion of what they are like. But I didnt see it before, I didnt wish for it. I turned a blind eye because I didnt want to believe it at all. I dont know why I ended up doing nothing. I could have stayed. All I wanted to do was have fun, meet new people and enjoy myself, but I cant do that alone, I wanted to use a crutch, I wanted people to be around me, friends to rely on but alas I couldnt even do that because they're not in the frame of mind that you are in. They're too set in their ways to change. They're too comfortable with their lifestyles to change. They're too scared to branch out and be something different. Why change what isnt (visibly) broken? Why do anything at all anymore. All I can do is just finish college, get a house, and just be alone. I'll go out abd meet new people on my own time.
Looking back at it, everything Ive been doing relies on the idea that I needed a girl. Ive been so desparatly chasing after that one thing that I have been neglecting everytbing else. So what should I do? Focus on bettering yourself and you'll eventually land one or several.
Confidence is being able to do the thing that you fear without hesitation or care about the repercussions. Its okay to fear, but not okay to be CONTROLLED by it.
So, now there should be one thing you should Know what to do: Approach. Do not fear rejection for there is nothing to fear. There is nothing to lose except for opportunities. There is all to gain; may it be experience or honor. Why do you hesitate? Why do you stop yourself? How does fear have such strong grasps onto yourself? Know that it does not assist you in any way except to bring you down. Those who dont act upon fear, but use it as a caution light know success. Those that have a will and drive for something they desire, something they have a passion for, have the ability to get what they want to get.
So its come again, this feeling of hopelessness that envelops everything. I dont know how to control it, and I dont know exactly how to stop it either. All i know is that what the others say to do is to get a few passions, and I FEEL like I have that going for me; however, I have a new perspective: If that passion cannot feed me, cannot get me money, cannot provide for me, cannot GET me something, then its not something worth pursuing. What ever this something may be can be anything beneficial towards my sanity, my mentalhood, or my state-of-mind; but it all depends. I need to incorporate into my psyche the ideology that what you do for a living is not who you are, its what FUNDS what you want to pursue, if funds your hobbies. So: to get what i desire is something I need to PLAN for. I need to have a clear goal in sight, and I need to make a plan, make a scheme, figure out what you want, find all the steps. Find how to acquire what you desire.
So ive come across another time sink; however, this one seems to be a little challenging. As Ive started this attempt, ive come across a stumbling block: I dont know. This means a lot: I dont know where to begin, I dont know what I dont know, I dont know the scope of what I want to do, I dont know the story behind the art, I dont know HOW to draw exactly what it is thzat I need to draw etc. So, in a time of complete mind puzzlement, just ask questions.
On another note, I do need to start incorporating feasable goals to work towards that have steps (milestones) so you dont lose track of what needs to be done. This involves planning out everything and doing research, so i just might do that later tomorrow. As of right now, I wanted to be able to read this book.
Reading this book allows me to get inspiration to create the world that Ive been craving to make. I dont know why Im so scared of cr- (Ive solved two questions i had with creating that sentence. One is why i didnt know why i wanted to create the world, the other is why I feared it). The simple act of not perfecting the story and a simply lack of knowledge to create it. I know HOW to solve both problems, but alas, there is a lack of motivation to do anything.
So here comes the part where I ask myself: How do I create motivation? How do I challenge myself to push farther and achieve greatness? Its simple. JUST DO IT. Put the clutch down and let the engine do its thing. Yes it hurts, Yes its tiring, but as you do, the easier things become. As you do, the closer to satisfaction you get. As you do, the closer towards true rest you are. To be able to lie down and feel complete is the ultimate goal. So ask yourself: What is it that you want completed? What will allow yourself to be done? What will grant your happiness? Does it transcend yourself or are you self-absorbed? Are you a people person, are you a servicer, are you materialistic? Do what must be done to get what you want done, to satiate the desires, to lie down and rest.
Mens search for meaning : Victor Frankel
Why do i always do this? Why can i not simply motivate myself to study? Why do i always have to do things the last minute? What is going on within me? Do i always have to do things like this?
Make a plan. Understand everything. Do things when you have time to do it, not when you want to do it. Make a fucking plan.
Just do the things that you WANT to do (that are beneficial to your life) IMMEDIATELY instead of waiting for the last moment, or not doing at all. If you have a thought for something to do, just go ahead and fucking do it, why wait? Nobody is waiting on you, so you shouldnt be waiting on anybody. You don't owe them your presence, so don't bless them with it at all times. Keep yourself a rare commodity, because if you don't youre just expected. You're just there. You're nothing special. Do what you want when you want: do what you need before it becomes a problem. Give yourself time. Think things out. Make a plan.
What are things that you do on a daily basis? Make a plan. What are things you do as a hobby? Make a plan. What are the things that have no effect on your life and can be cut out? You wont know until you make a plan.
All these things gettin you sidetracked? It happens because you don't plan shit out. You have literally nothing to look forward to so you just do what is at base level desired: whatever piques your interest at that moment. Living your life like that is not something that will lead to your ultimate goals: it stagnates you, and will leave you in the dust. Living like that gets you soft: it gets rid of your edge, turns you into a bitch. Do what you must right now so you can do as you like later on. Make a plan.
I need to compartmentalize everything. All my time is flowing together. All my interests are flowing together. Everything is meshing into one giant pile of shit and I cannot fathom anything anymore. All my wants are starting to reach into my needs. All my needs are now being treated as wants. My life is in shambles, and I need to look at everything with a golden eye and judge whether its worthy of pursuement or not.
I really don't know what I am doing right now anymore. I had so many things that I wanted to do, but now I don't want to do Anything. I have no desire to continue my education, I have no desire to get a job, I have no desire to continue ANY of my hobbies, and I just dont see anything that I want to do. Is this truly a lack of motivation like I thought it was? Is this just depression? Is this a wave of solumn enveloping me? I don't know what started this, and I don't know how to end it. I suppose one way would just be to ride out the wave, become one with the flow, one within the ebb of time.
Something is wrong.
It might simply just be the alcohol creating a depressive wave in the morning.
So I've been struggling with finding motivation to do anything recently, which kind of lead me to discover (or rediscover) a mindset that i should adopt: Just Do It. To get shit done, you just need to do it regardless of whether its the right time or not. Whens a better time than now to finally do something? I feel like you dont truly understand that Now is actually the best time to do it because there is nothing going on. This isnt just "freetime" or "downtime", its time to DO SHIT that matters, its time to study, its time to clean, its time to do work, its time to figure out your future, not anything else (i mean you CAN play games but is that really the best option to pursue rn?).
Just do it.
I dont get why you're so fixated on finding the perfect opportunity to do anything and everything . The perfect opportunity will rarely, if ever, come. The perfect opportunity is a pipe dream. You just need to do things as you can, not when you "WANT" to do something. You GRIND life, you do the menial tasks everyday, you have to WORK to get things done. This is what they call Work
So what have we learned today? That we should trust the coin. It may have lead to new developments to be made with some close vicinity people: however, can it truly be trusted?
I dont know.
What is on my mind? What do I want to fix, what do i want to happen?
What I want is to do things that I havent been doing. I want to experience more. Now, what does this entail? What are the hidden motives behind that? What am I lacking? I dont know the answer to these questions, But they are questions that I need answered. I need to look back at everything and create general emotions, or guides to each paragraph or note or something. I just want to be able to track everything so i know whats going on.
I feel like I've lost control of everything. Have I ever had control to begin with? I dont know, but I've never felt like this before, or have I? Who knows.
What do I do know? I know that I have a chance to hit it off with several chicks on Tuesday. It is a time for decisions. Who are the females you ask? Well heres a list: Art Hoes, 1, 2, and 3 (Rxxxxxx, Axxx, and Mxxxxx) or Neighbors 1, 2, and 3 (Gxxxx, Sxxxxx, and unknown). I have six chances, and I'm gonna fuck all of them... up. BUT, Thats 600% more productivity in one day than what you've done in the past 4 years combined, so if you DO manage to ask them all, then you deserve a medal because there is a high possibility of ONE responding to you. So, this weekend, go back through your old notebooks, your old journal entries, and try to convince yourself to let things happen.
You know, ive been thinking... When the group had its group chats, it was always exploding. People always had things to say, always had random memes to send, and there was usually always a convo going. When we eventually moved on and shunned a nigga, I noticed that the group's convos still occurred, but at different locations. There was always something happening, but now we've moved on again. This time, I dont see any movement. Putting this into perspective, the shunned nigga would just eventually have stopped receiving messages entirely, which is exactly what has happened to me, therefore leaving me to take on the notion that I am regarded to the same level as the shunned nigga.
This hurts. You pretend to be my friend yet you dont talk. Judge by actions, not by words. You avoid those who you dont want to talk to while you chase those that you do. If no one is chasing you, if no one is initiating, then you dont have any value in their eyes.
Why waste my time on pursuing a friendship that doesnt want to pursue back?
Is my perspective a little warped? I would say so, but that doesnt discredit what Ive been sensing. Are my planned decisions a little overkill? Probably, but I dont care if they dont care. You may SAY you do, but you dont ACT like you do. How can I trust what you say if what you do contradicts the very words leaving your mouth?
Alright. So I wasted a lot of time doing nothing, so now its time to do stuff. There's a lot that needs to be done, so Ill just begin by completing things that need to be completed one at a time. Take baby steps else nothing will happen. Each step forward is still progress: do not be overwhelmed by the amount that needs to be done, or how long and arduous the journey seems, for the passage of time is evergoing and eventually you will reach the end. Wherever that end may be depends on whether or not you're taking the steps to become the best you can be. These steps dont have to be big steps, you shouldnt have to have significant visible progress with each step, but merely be one bit closer.
Don't be afraid of doing something wrong, for perfection is an intangibility, for nothing is perfect.
So in an attempt to gather the crowd, it would appear as if they did not want to go out once again, due to either the inner desire to stay behind or just the desire to create stronger bonds with the brother that has been left behind. I feel like he thinks he has reached the highest affinity point with US but he must start to build the relationship with the other one or else it'll just happen to wither away and break. Does this stem from the ideology that the friends you make in college are the greatest friends you'll make in life? How strong does that thought process make its way throughout the minds of all college students? I feel like there are greater... thought process lost.
Anyways, looking into what I think about myself, looking into what people thinl about me, looking into what my appearance is, I feel like I elicit a desirable human being right? What of me does not do that? What of me is not desireable? What do people really think of me?
Regardless of that, people will only think of you as that "hot guy" at the best if you dont APPROACH. Think about it, please. A HOT girl walks past you EVERYDAY, what do you do? You look at her and admire her presence but you dont approach. You just enjoy being around her around that time if day and enjoy fancying the thought of going out with her. You are satisfied with the THOUGHT of going out with her, but what is that in reality?
Of course, its REALLY FUCKING EASY to start comparing different situations with different mental perspectives, and doing different things compared to what you imagined, but what is it that you WANT? What you want is your desire right? That makes sense right? So what do you desire? That which you fantasize of, so what do you fantasize about? Everything around you, and if YOU'RE around other people, they're bound to fantasize about YOU.
Looking into this notion starts asking questions: WHY NOT ASK HER OUT? She enjoys your presence, you enjoy her presence; so why not?
Why not....? Whats the worst that could happen? She rejects you. She defames you. She makes fun of you. What else? She cant hurt yoy physically, she can only hurt you socially. Even then, that just means you get more PUBLICITY. If the chick denies you, then the worst she can do is make you known to other females.
All you have to do is ask her out. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK HER. LITERALLY JUST TALK. TAAAAALLLLLLKKKKKK. Please. please, please. Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at this situation. *Zooms in to face* I.M.A.G.I.N.E. T.H.I.S. E.V.E.R.Y. F.U.C.K.I.N.G. D.A.Y.
I'm asking you this from the bottom of my heart: will you ask her out? Please consider this. Please look into it. AT THE VERY LEAST, READ THIS AROUND THE TIME WHEN YOU WOULD WANT to ask her out. Try to BEFORE class, catch her as she comes walking... just... try to ask her and see what responces you can come of with, what kind of excuses you can come of with before you just kill yourself.
Okay, so what is this feeling? This is purely a lack of desire. This is a lack of motivation. This is a resistance to do what i need to do. I dont want to work, I dont want to study, I dont want to do anything. Apathy is filling my life.
Procrastination is a symptom. To solve the issue, you must find the roots. What is it that keeps you from doing what needs to be done? Is it the thought of incompetence stopping you? Is it something difficult and time consuming? Or is it something that is uninteresting? Remove the cause, and the symptom will follow.
"Fear is that voice in your head telling you not to talk to that hot girl." Do you understand what this means? All of those rationalizations, all of those ill desires to avoid, to not talk to, and to stay alone are responses built from FEAR. Dont let fear control what you want to do. IF YOU DESIRED IT AT ONE POINT, THEN LET IT HAPPEN. Dont let your desires at that moment control you because FEAR has its hands over your desires. The best bet is to simply power through and follow the gut AFTER the initial conversation
"Don't fear! Fear of dogs is not real fear unless it's phobic. Fear has many faces. Jealousy is a form of fear. Not taking risks is a form of fear. Lashing out is a form of fear. Avoiding difficult or scary situations at all costs is a form of fear. Not showing kino with the person you like is a form of fear. Worrying is a form of fear. Hesitation is a form of fear. Not looking in the eyes of a person is a form of fear. Not dealing with a problem is a form of fear. Not being able to face the truth is a form of fear. Not showing (different from telling about) feelings is a form of fear. Fear can only serve him who can deal with it."
"Become an expert at having fun. While having fun, look at what lead you there, looking at such will allow you to understand how to get to more fun situations."
So like, you go downtown, you meet some friends you haven't seen in awhile, and what happens? The only productive thing is that you find a new place to get some drinks. Other than that, nothing occurs. Like, what do you expect to happen of you have NO goal? You go DT with a plan or else nothing happens. What else is supposed to happen? What else do you want to happen? Of coutse you have an idea, but the idea isnt whats important. The goal isnt whats important. You hsve to understand: Its understanding what motivates you, its understanding the factors that motivates you, and its understanding that its the logistics towards making it happen that counts. It takes you knowing what you want, it takes you understanding what makes people tick, and it depends on their motives. If you cant manipulate them (i.e. they dont have the same goal), then it doesn't even fucking matter anymore.
What the fuck are you doing with your life rn? What did you want to happen? What did you expect to happen? This question is important because it helps understand the effect of going in blind without setting up plans to get what you want.
I dont quite think i truly understand everything that I believe. Sit here and ponder. In complete silence, just try to take in the moment.
Good days are not had. THey are taken by force.
If you're having a bad time, if you're in a slump, if you're not enjoying yourself, then there is a problem with what you do with yourself.
THe issue isn't loneliness (that is a symptom), the issue isn't a lack of friends, but merely how you conduct yourself.
If you cannot enjoy Yourself, (merely by being around and doing what you do), then why would others enjoy your presence. THink about what you would do with yourself. If you were to hang around with a clone of yourself, what do you see yourself doing with your other half? If its nothing fun, then thats what people see of you.
Sometimes you just have these realizations that really hurt. Are such thoughts merely sporadically occuring harmful and ill thoughts that shouldn't be taken seriously, or are they little bouts of enlightenment that should be focused upon? Such a thought revolves around my hobbies. I enjoy a bunch of random little things and can take thought and conversation to a deeper level that most (I would like to assume(), but I cannot have any conversation, nor can I really enjoy these things with others because there are no others to enjoy these things with. The things I enjoy DOING aren't things that interest the others. Is this indicative of a malformed friend group, or is it something that everyone goes through? I'd accept it if it were merely one or two interests, but it appears as if EVERY one of my interests have little to no reception with the group around me. What do I do? Do I conform to satisfy the status quo of conversation? Do I enjoy Doing what I do in solitude and simply embark on a journey by myself, or do i move on from this group and find otehrs that enjoy the things that I do? You know what? I will branch out. I will find friends, I will find associates, and I will find people to talk to for every activity. (This is the basis for reddit, a community for niche communites.)
Okay so what dictates what I desire on an hourly basis? What makes me want to do something, and what stops me from doing something I want to do?
Think about it: You can spend countless hours mindlessly scrolling through google's recommended articles, YouTube's recommended videos, or being spoon fed content frmo the front page of reddit/imgur. What makes this so addictive, and why spend so much time on it in comparison to other things such as your hobbies?
If we're bringing hobbies up, what makes them so important? Isn't the important thing to enjoy myself? What would you classify enjoyment or time well spent? What is productivity if not for the benefit for myself?
Like ... idk.
I'd much rather spend the time looking up the logistics towards obtaining a female, or studying for these upcoming exams and getting my diploma, but I manage to waste all my time doing random shit. A lot of the time, my hobbies only come to play because I get stressed and need something different to distract myself.
An example would be the Avengers movies. I only ever get a hankering to play them whenever I have an exam literally the next or current day.
I guess a work-around for that would be to pre-emptively study so you aren't so stressed, but then the question comes up: Are these hobbies yours because you ENJOY them, or are they simply there to act as a stress reliever? What do you TRULY enjoy doing? (What do you do when you are completely relaxed?)
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One thing I've noticed is that while I'm doing something that I need to do, such as studying, I have a tendancy to desire something else. I click off an image when I'm done memorizing a fact, and half-automatically click onto another app. I suppose its because I found great joy from these apps that I naturally try to go back, but it ultimately leads to a waste of time.
--
Why do I do the things I do but not the things I want to do or need to do? Why can I not follow up to what I feel is right, why can't I make these first steps, what am I fearing? Is it procrastination? Is it Fear? Is it just a lack of motivation? I need to figure this out before I continue.
My body feels like a whirlpool. I'm horny but depressed. I have to shit, but I'm constipated. I need stimulation but I'm tired, I have homework, but I'm lazy. What do I make of this -- How can I alleviate the bad and expand the good? What must be done to achieve what I must? I feel very apathetic, yet I must start doing work. I suppose once I get started, I don't have to worry much, but getting started seems to be a problem. What's stopping me? I suppose that isnt the question that I should be asking, but instead: What usually got me started? Looking at a different eprsepctive might give the answer I am looking for. Instead of trying to find something stopping me, try to find whats missing what got me started to begin with. It's like trying to find whats lodged in the ignition when you cant start a car, yet not having the key to begin with. THere is a problem, but what's causing it is something completely different than expected.
So what is happening in regards to the whole situation with the friends? What do I want, what do I expect, and what do I need? I wanted a group that has the same interests as I do, a group that helps me with the things that I need help with, and overall tries to help all members become the best they can be, whether that regards relationships, hobbies, or financially. With this group, there really is none of that. There is nobody to help with my interests, there is no help with relationships because nobody really knows anyone anymore because there is no REASON for them to know anyone, and if they even DO know anyone, they have little to no motivation to help Me -- why is that? I don't know. They're toxic and self-absorbed -- but the only thing they would help with is stuff financially because that would be the "right thing to do" in their eyes.
Is that merely a concept created by society, a stigma to ignore the helpless, so people feel morally obligated to assist those who look like they need it? THis creates a fear of looking bad , so people's desire to help would stem off that notion. So is their help truly from the bottom of their hearts, or are they just doing it for appearance? This is a toxic thought, but unless disproven, no idea is wrong .
Now, how should I respond to the women in my friend group? They don't interact with me so there's really nothing to respond to . So, what should I do? Well the question isnt what I should do, because there is no goal right now -- at least in this conversation -- so it becomes clear. Find a goal . Develop milestones, and then a path might be clear. So,
What is my goal?
To find a partner . Be less alone. I know it's dangerous to think this way because it puts them on a pedestal. Idolizing women and making them THE goal isn't healthy because that places YOUR source of happiness towards such. They shouldn't be THE source, but merely an ADDITION. You have to enjoy yourself before you find the one.
HOWEVER , there's a problem. This whole ideology -- the one where you have to love yourself before you can love someone else -- is a little problematic. The advice comes from someone who has experienced the PAIN of lonelines, who has experienced the PAIN of failing and losing many relationships to the same problems, so they find exactly what's going on and can SE what they must do in order to achieve such. Without this pain, newcomers are still blind towards the future, and simply telling them what they must do, telling them that there is a step in the future, does not exactly help them with women. It might be the answer, but the simple act of APPROACHING and FINDING the problem themselves is an experience that would truly assist them in understanding and seeing what the answer for what it is. The newcomers are STUCK with the mindset that the women are the answer, and cannot get rid of such a precognition until they SEE for THEMSELVES that these women are not the answer. Trial by error in this case is probably the best solution. I suppose the quote would be: "To understand that such IS the solution, you have to understand WHAT the problem is. Without EXPERIENCING such pain, without finding the problem yourself, you'll never truly understand the meaning behind the solution."
Thus bringing me to the question: HOW -- logistically speaking, I want fine details -- can I gain such experience? Exactly where do I look, how do I approach and what do I do to unlock these next steps? That is where I am lost.
EVEN IF I manage to find a place that is CRAWLING with women -- I mean... think festivals, clubs, happy hour nights, dog parks, college campuses etc. -- you're not gonna approach and talk to any of them because you're a scared little shit . Life would be too easy if women approached you, but alas, that isn't the case. YOU have to do the work and YOU have to be the one to GET everything. You WANT a LOT of stuff, but do you truly have the mindset to get what you desire? What really motivates you to get something done? You want an answer? ANGER. Are you angry at your situation enough to work to change things up? I hightly doubt it because if you're still reading this, then NOTHING HAS CHANGED SINCE YOU'VE TYPED IT. Explore your feelings. Find a way to anger yourself to get you to make change. No change is bad change if you're SAD and DEPRESSED. Worst case scenario, you get more sad and depressed, but now you've gained INSIGHT towards making BETTER change. Sometimes you have to take 3 steps back to go foward the right direction.
The sheer amount that my ideology differs between time periods of the day is a little frightening. I go from thinking one thing is amzing, crazy, and revolutionary, into thinking that the entire concept is ridiculous, edgy, and childish. Is this a symptom of some kind of underlying mental disorder, or is this something that everyone undergoes? I don't exactly know HOW to keep a steady mental state since its all dependent on my mood, which changes SWIFTLY throughout the day.
Restlessness. The inability to focus. A desire for something else. Anxiety. All of these are flowing within my veins, but why? Is it fear? Am I scared of doing bad so i put it off? Most likely.
holy fuck i just have no motivation to do it. How do i convince myself to get up and just fucking completet he homework?> Do i just sit here? I have NO fucking problem with doing something else compeltely.
Its simple, make a plan.
I don't even know what to say. Didn't I tell myself that I'd be taking my classes this semester seriously? Didn't I convince myself to study all day everyday? What happened? How did this happen? What did you do that lead to this moment? THey were EASY courses AGAIN, and you fucked it up. I don't understand. How are you this incapable of following simple instructions? Literally just: study. Read the fucking books, look at the powerpoints, create study plans and follow through, but what did you do? Fucking nothing. You sat around watching YouTube videos, you worked out, you slept, you played games, you did all your fucking hobbies, you drank, you just fucked around. You fucked it all and there's little you can do to unfuck it.
How did you even manage to get to this situation? Why are you so despirited, so unmotivated, and so FUCKING STUBBORN?! It's a little baffling to be honest.
Suppress the urges. Look into your life and start prioritizing what tasks you allow yourself to complete. Start filtering out bad activities, and start doing what needs to be done.
Uhhh... There is a serious lack of motivation to get started. Looking at my homework specifically, I see what I need to do, I can fathom what needs to be done a little bit (not really because the lack of understanding is whats keeping me at bay). I know that I need to start a software program in order to even do it, but there is something serious preventing me from starting. What is it?
How about this. Adopt this mindset: STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING. JUST FUCKING DO IT. LET GO THE CLUTCH AND LET THE ENGINE ROAR. DEEP INHALE AND FUCKING GO.
You know... looking at it all, i've been wanting to make a game, but the more I try to make it, the more lost i get, and that's simply due to the fact that I never really understand exactly what I'm trying to get out of this game. I don't understand what i want, and i dont understand how to get it. I need to compile all my ideas and actually map out eveyrhting before I get to the logistics of everything. I need to look at the game and MAKE it on PAPER before I begin coding it because without knowing where your destination is, its impossible to start walking the right direction.
So lets do exactly that: what do i want to do? I want to create a game. What elements do i want in the game? I'll just start listing: RPG elements, scores, hp ,mana, gold, armour, pvp, minions, spells, professions, items, talents, skills. I just want an interactive world to tell my story. But what story? How much do I want path of exile to work for my story? (how much do i want to rip off of it?); how can I implement all my other ideas? How do i do what i want to do? How can i separate my game engine from my game?
Here I am, on the precipice of starting everything. Once I take this step, there is no coming back. Let me just sit here and observe the world. Let me just enjoy the moment before all hell breaks loose. Let me live before I grind. . . Breathe . . . inhale, and exhale, and inhale, and glare. lazy-eyed, bitch-faced, and completely done. Before I begin, before I start everything, before I reach out. Let me Breathe. Do i need to nap? Do i have a plan? I'll give you a nap. the nap never came. I simply need to have a clear set mind, no i need something to kep me in line. I need to have something to remind me of my current task, and write down all urges while conducting that one task.
USE THE ENNEAGRAM TEST TO DEVELOP PERSONALITIES FOR YOUR CHARACTERS.
I think I figured something out: How to study.
Its nothing revolutionary, its nothing complex, its really simple. Throughout the years, I've been doing nothing but counting down the days until my next exam, stalling for time, wasting it and pretending eveyrhting was fine. Everytime a test came up. I'd study the hell out of it the night before or day of. Within the last 2 hours, 1 hour or last 30 minutes, my mind would go into hyperdrive and cram as much stuff as possible. Looking into exactly what my methodology is during that time of crisis assisted me in making these neural connections between the advice people give out and what actually works.
In essence, what I'd do is go through my source of notes, look at all the information and find the weakest link (if I'm scanning quizlet, If I don't atleast FEEL an answer come up, I'd focus on those until I do), and cram that info. I focus on what I don't know instead of blindly memorizing everything. Now this isnt all of what I've discovered. I also need that drive, that motivation and energy found within those last few hours of crunch before the time of crisis, and the only way I know how to derive it into my actual studies, utilizing the energy for studying at night, is to PRETEND the exam is about to happen. If its 12A.M., PRETEND that the test is at 1A.M. and STUDY THE HELL OUT OF WHATEVER I'm studyin, and see where I get. This hyperfocused attempt could lead to greater developments, and might actually be the key towards acing everything.
Or it could simply be a bad as fuck study method.
Now, looking at it more, consider this as a type of workout. You do not want to be heavy lifting for 3 hours straight, you need rest. Developing these rest zones will help create a more efficient system.
When taking a break, do not simply do something you like, actively pursue doing nothing. Literally just sit there blank minded.
So lets get started with this story. We all know the background at this point, but by we i mean me. I'm not going to completely incorporate the whole book and exposition right now, this is merely but an outline.
What needs to be done? What are the steps that need to be taken to create this story? What I can do is just create characters, and different scenarios and just insert them into different situations. I am thinking about creating something like a "create-your-own" world, a... generator? lmfao imagine a world generator that creates stories. I suppose that is kinda necessary because you have to look at all the different aspects, look at what people have done, incorporate what they've done into your work and add your own little twist to it. I suppose I'll be the collager. I'll take bits and pieces from other people and create something new, something innovative from the works of other people, so the first step is to simply list all different aspects out.
I need to find out all the different shits fuck. I don't want to do that.
I figured something out earlier. I dont oh well.
Well you cant fix something that doesnt exist.
So lets get this show on the road:
So lets imagine a character. This character has several choices for a beginning. What are all the different beginnings for this character? Shall it have a good one, a bad one? How many different choices can it have? This is merely exposition. Then there is a critical event, something to invigorate the character to go through more hoops to achieve it and the story is about those hoops. Not all stories are about that, but the majority of them are. What are these hoops? They could be many things. I think I should start dissecting everything. So lets go through my list in MAL from top to bottom sorted by score and looking at what each story consists of:
Evangelion: The basic plot for this show is that there is a kid that has to pilot giant robots to fight off invaders; however, the selling point of this show isnt the main plot, but HOW the plot is delivered: all the different aspects that lead the show to its ends, and how the show itself evolves.
Redline: basically, a man has to race a deadly race thanks to debt. This show is good because it is what it claims to be, and the animation is flawless.
Haruhi Suzumiya: the daily life of a chick who is considered God (i might have to rewatch the show, and read the books). I don't really know too much about this.
Monogatari: I don't know much about this either. I don't know what the overarching plot is, I just know that there are a lot of little plots that help develop characters. (What is character development? Is it just defining characters and showing how they work through their actions, or is it showing how people change? I'm leaning towards the former.)
So looking at all of this, I need characters that have background, are believable, have faults, and are in a situation that readers would want to be in, or have a desire to know the outcome of. See Catharsis. One aspect of One Piece is that every character has their motives, has their backgrounds, and aren't cookie cutter plasters of basic archtypes. They have their purpose and they help build the main character's choices.
Holy shit. Since I'm so enamoured with the Halo lore right now, I could incorporate that into my story. I can create thigns in the same universe, such as the background of the people, the fantasical scale of their planets, how everything developed, side stories, etc, and have different timelines. Like looking at the old planet, I could incorpotate like a bunch of landmarks in future works that help develop the history of the other world.
I WANT WAR, I WANT DESTRUCTION, I WANT GUERILLA WARFARE. RECON SCOUTS, SABATOGES, PIRATES. I guess I need to look into the aspect of politics. Look at the evolution, its presence, the history, its direction, and its importance.
It is the year XXXX, calendar _____. The <Space force 1> has begun their <advance>. THey are attempting to take over everything. <Space Force 2> has deep roots towards history. There are also pirates, deserters, outlaws. (I could do some side stories on those aswell for extra development). OOOO... Looking at the evolutionary history of these characters on the magic planet, the different forces that start dominating become space faring individuals. These different evolutionary individuals become their own factions, with different subfactions within all of those creating some massive conglomeration of individuals. You have religious zeolots, greedy corporations, sociopathic murderers, outlaws, etc. Some races may incorporate a single subsect, others may contain all. Can look at different worlds
So lets delve right into it. There is a space station ( see the one with the pirates in M.E.), and this is wehre they congregate. There are many side quests to do there [Look into all the activities of space pirates and outlaws. What are their motivators, what are their goals, what are their problems, and what are their tools?]. A main character goes into with or without friends, and does things. What is there to do? I dont know.
Now, instead of that, lets look into the past. Look into the history of the original world of the humanoids.
I have an idea: the whole point of this story is to study the effect of adding many outside variables, and changing internal ones while observing possible effects on the social construct of different societies. As this is fiction, it does not have to be the Truth, but merely contain a perspective of a possible truth, bringing out the possiblities of containing such.
Going back to the space station, I'd have to design and create an entire world right there. How does this all come together, where is this spaceship located?
Look at the lore of Warhammer 40k please, so its nothing special; not that expansive. What I want is something GRAND.
Okay. So, what do we have? We have the planet, we have the history, we have an idea, we have resources. What are we missing? We're missing plans, milestones, research, time, etc. So i suppose its time to start answering these questions. Now, what are these questions you ask? Well thats easy, look at the evernote.
I'm starting to have doubts whether this approach is the best, so i'm gonna start rolling with something different.
So, regarding the spraed of people around th world, i have to look at the landscape and its effect towards evolution, motives, and cultural develpment.
What the fuck is the point of anything I even do anymore? I feel like I am actually retarded. You know what? I'm abstaining from everything for now on. No more drinking, no more playing, no more anything until I figure out what needs to be done. I'm fucking tired.
Lets get it all out right here: what am I tired of? What are things you are angry at? I'm tired of being fucking alone, I'm tired of being fucking single, I'm tired of fucking school, I'm tired of being wrong, I'm tired of not being able to do what I want to do, I'm tired of being poor, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of looking like a sack of shit, I'm tired of my family and their drama, I'm tired of not having a future direction, I'm tired of coasting by pretending eveyrthing is fine when I KNOW NOTHING IS FINE. I'm just fed up. I don't undertand how I got this far and I'm also fucking tired of all this "therapy" bullshit that doesnt accomplish ANYTHING. I dont understand what I need to do anymore. I feel like everything is lost.
I'm also tired of all the "friends" that I have. I feel like they don't even try anymore. A bunch of fucking assholes and snarky bitches, playing and meaning nothing. They can go all fuck themselves, I dont need them, never had never will.
You know, there is ONE bit of good news: You're free. You can do whatever you want. You got $250 to your name and you can do anything. What I need to do is send that fucking email to the advisora nd wait for the inevitable rejection and dismissal. (Sorry if you were better I'd try to help, but look at you).
Fucking passive bitches, fucking unappaorachable assholes, god damn fucking GUHFD. Okay.
Fuck music, fuck games, fuck stories, fuck anything that doesnt involve money. I need to secure the package first, then everything else will follow. SOLVING THE FINANCIAL ISSUE WILL LESSEN THE BURDEN OF SOLVING THE OTHER ISSUES.
I dont quite understand why I care so much about what other people think of myself. I feel like the path to true enlightment is to simply not give a fuck, but how does one truly do such? As older people suffer from the jaws of time, they experience a transformation: a lack of care of what others think, which leads to self-enjoyment.
Is fear subconcious? What creates fear? How can I control it? Reaaally looking into what creates, constitutes, and how fear controls your life can lead to understanding the different facets of HOW to control your life. Controlling fear is controlling life. "That little voice in your head saying don't do it is fear." How can you continue through life without it holding onto you? what are the benefits?
Do I even know what's going on anymore?
What's going through my head? What are my worries: I worry that I do not have student loans for the upcoming semester. I worry that I do not have a source of money for the next semester, this leads to worry about how to survive, how to pay bills, how to attend classes, how to continue on with my education and all facets of that direction. I worry that my life is not headed where I wanted it to go. I worry that my future job prospects are dim. I worry that I won't be able to achieve what I want. I worry that I will die alone. I worry that I will not fulfill my desires.
Do all my worries have one commonality? It seems like it: being unable to achieve my goals. I can draw a diagram and they'll all lead to that one problem. This leads to an interesting question: what are my goals, and are there different methods to get there; and, if I were to ignore my goals, what is worth living for? (are my "goals" the only purpose I have in life right now? because I want to be satisfied?)
Why is life worth living? Honestly, it probably isnt, but why stop living if theres nothing to live for? Have you experienced everything? No, so sit down and yearn for that.
What can my words do to the world? Can I create something new? Can I change everything? Will ANYTHING change? Is this all a waste of time? I highly doubt that anyhting will change, but for the small chance that it will, I will take it. I will write all my thoughts down. I will look into every aspect of everything and look for the most optimized route. I will do what is necessary to sustain my goals. All these people with their credentials is meaningless because I can learn a semester of a course in hours. Presentations are majority fluff and embelishments with little information to understand except long time to remember. If you have a powerful indexer, cross reference everything, and have immediate access to all kinds of information, then learning information is REALLY easy. THe educational system we have nowadays is faulted because of how much emphasis is put towards rote memorization rather than problem solving. ( I mean, this does kind of weed out those who cannot problem solve.) I suppose its like looking for grip strength, and the test for finding grip strength is deadlifts. Those who have high grip strength might not be able to deadlift but those who CAN deadlift have high grip strength (but then those who use wrist straps cheat the system, which is like people who cannot solve problems but can memorize information).
It all comes down once again. What did I want to look into? It was on the concept of simply doing something in order to get stuff done. To do something without preconcieved notions about HOW to do something and to do something without acquiring the perfect starting conditions. Simply begin and do not think about optimization because being completely optimized is not a goal in the beginning. Optimization is a problem for the late-game, not the early-game. FOr now, its simply getting started.
You know, the only difference between having the money and power to do something versus not is simply DOING it. There's nothing stopping you from going ahead and planning everything out until you have the ability to afford it. You want to do car modifications, plan it out. Look at the logistics of what you want to do; plan everything out. Define your plan. Pretend you have everything you need, visualize how you would do it, and write everything down step-by-step, and by the time you have the financial capabilities to do it, you'll be able to do what you want with ease.
So it is a new year. It is a new me. Time to create a new series.
I have many plans: get a job, finish school, make a project car, plan everything out, create my story, sculpt my body etc.
Looking towards the future, what could go better, what could go different, and what needs to be changed? What are my priorities, what are the necessities, and what are just pasttimes?
So: what have I done so far? What needs to be done? What am I doing to get these needs completed? I have not taken any steps towards what needs to be done. Haven't I touched on this topic before? Well here we go again.
THere is something that I truly need to udnerstand: There will NEVER be the perfect opportunity to start doing something. DO you understand the brevity of this statement? It's simple. WAITING UNTIL YOU TRULY HIT ROCK BOTTOM TO DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. You will Continue to sink, you will always see somewhere worse off to be. You will never truly hit rock bottom, because things could ALWAYS get worse. Do you know how much you have to lose? DO you know how much you've gained? Do you want to lose ALL your progress because of your lazy antics? NO. So get to work.
BUt I really need to understand WHY I keep going back to that kind of mindset. I suppose I could start meditating some more to truly understand, but that is something that you'll have to do in another time. You need to do what you need to do ASAP. Take the steps to continue your life. Remember: be bold, be fearless.
You know, I never truly tried to understand myself. All these entries are simply me venting my struggles thus far. Looking into it, they're exactly what I described them: responses to external stimuli that I don't like. Understanding WHY I do these things requires me to look INTO these responses, but there has never been any point of reflection. That should be the priority.
Actually, I don't even believe that that SHOULD be the priority, because there are other problems that take precedence over my mental ones. The problems of the physical are starting to make their way towards my livelihood, and soon I won't be able to continue living the way I have. Attempting to solve that problem requires stepping into a part of my life that I have yet been able to do: branching off into the future.
I'm too afraid of taking those first steps. I'm too scared of doing something wrong. I'm just unable to do anything I want to do anymore, which is why I started looking into the whole meditation aspect, the whole idea of rewiring my brain to do what I want. In reality, all I need to do is stop being such a little bitch and just START LOOKING for ways. Actually, no. I shouldn't start Looking but instead start INQUIRING, start asking and emailing people, start messenging those who have the ability to do what they are supposed to do.
It's a little baffling how far you got without actually doing anything for yourself. What are you searching for, what are you trying to do, and what are you going to do to get what you want? It's time for a change of pace. It's time to stop fucking around. It's time to get a hold of your future, take the reign and start chuggin along and acquiring the world.
If you are still putting shit off, If you catch yourself saying, "oh I'll look into it tomorrow," or, "Oh I'll just send an email later," then do one thing: Change your current state of mind. That's really the only thing you can do. THat state-of-mind that you're in is self-destructive, and will only lead to pain. It will only lead to disappointment. Re-read your entry about change. Reread all the entries; there are things to be learned from them. THey are your mistakes, they are your history, they are your lessons. Learn from them and do not re-make them all. If you're not going to read or learn from your past, then what's the point of the whole journal?
If you do not read this entry later, and you continue to do the same damn thing you've done the past 2 years, then I'm sorry but you're not going to make it and you should just stop writing to yourself, because you're never gonna see OR gain anything from these. That's all I have: the truth. There's no more anger, no more frustration, no more yelling, no more deals: just truth. If you don't learn, if you don't fix yourself, If you don't have the will to make the steps to change your life at the very moment you see these messages, then there is no chance for you. The eternal cycle of procrastination and self-destruction will inevitably lead to the loss of everything you hold dear, and will lead to the loss of every opportunity to get the life you wnat.
In essence: do what you must ASAP, or just stop.
You know... I understand what I'm talking about; I understand what the consequences are for inactivity; I understand what happens when nothing is changed, but the problem isn't inactivity. That is merely the symptom right? The problem is that I don't know WHAT to say, I don't know how to maximize my chances
This notion leads to something I've already talked about: at this stage of the game it doesn't matter about optimization but merely getting started. It doesn't matter what you say, as long as you say SOMETHING. Get your foot in the door, do something to gain what you need. Instead of leaving everything as potential opportunities, then force it to lead to a concrete result. Actualize your fears so that you gain experience with it, thus desensitizing you to such fears, allowing you to move when you need to move.
THe problem isn't a lack of optimization, isnt a lack of knowledge of WHAT to do, but it is a deep fear of rejection: a deep fear of actualizing the horrors that you are trying to avoid. What you don't seem to understand is that through this inaction, through not doing anything, you are already actualizing such fear, and the simple action of DOING something about it IS the opportunity that you have, so NOT doing something is squandering your chances.
Upon reflection and reviewing past entries, I've come across a particularly unsettling notion. This has to do with my current perception of who I am and what I amount to be as of this right very moment. The people I look up to, the people that I learn from, and the people that I am around are all vastly different to who I am. Looking through my entries reflects merely a child who cannot come to terms with his problems and tries to find excuses for his inabilities to do what he wants. These revelations are painful, and I feel as if I'll never truly evolve from this "woe is me" phase.
I know exactly what must be done, and I know HOW to do it, but am I going to? I feel so attached to this lifestyle, this state-of-mind because of how long I've been dwelling in it. It wouldn't be hard to make the change to become a better individual. It wouldn't be hard to get everything I've ever wanted, but this "obstacle" that has pervaded the majority of these entries has become a part of my identity.
Do I have the motivation and drive to truly get what I want? Am I going to be in this eternal cycle of self-deprecation or will I muster up a new me to truly metamorphosize into exactly what I've been trying to become? We'll see in these upcoming weeks, for what happens in the short-term will sample what will occur in the far future. The little changes (if any) that occur will provide the answer to what will come from the future, for these changes are indicative of whether I will have passed this trial.
The more I read, the more I believe that I was (am?) merely deluded. I found an interesting theory about the mind (or fact, in reality is anything true?) regarding the subconcious and how to alter it. This method dwells upon clearing the mind and achieving a state of relaxation, and then utilizing a mantra to insert a certain thought process into the recesses of your mind.
The theory revolves around the ideology that the subconscious mind has its own workings. Think about the math problem: 1+1. You don't have to think about the little details about this problem, about how to add, or what the aspects are, or the context; You just immediately think of the answer: two. This idea then brings out the question: How does the mind work, and can it be manipulated? The thoughts that the subconsious sends up into the conscious mind isn't exactly set in stone: they aren't the same from person to person, which indicates that it is malleable; the subconsious can be altered. This may be perceived as common sense, but the foundation has to be set before experimentation can be conducted. If we know that the subconscious can be altered, then we must figure out HOW it can be altered, which has already been described above. The phrase, "fake it till you make it," goes along this ideology despite not having previous connections to it. Other phrases such as "Be careful what you wish for," or "you are what you think you are," or anything of the like all dwell upon this ideology.
Science is the realm of disproval; You cannot prove something happens, only disprove the correlation. Such can be said about these theories; Just experiment and see if it works. If it does then great; there's no problem. The placebo effect is beneficial. It doesn't matter as long as it works. Meditation helps regardless. I just need to look into obtaining the right state-of-mind, because everything I've typed before is... a little red-flag-like. I probably do need some help, but I'm an independant man doing independant things; I don't need no help (is this double negative a sign from my subconsious?). Whatever it is, i'm going to ignore it like every problem i've ever had: if you ignore a problem and it doesn't bite you in the ass later, it wasn't a problem.
Why anesthesiology? What made you say, "I want to do this?"
THere are many different points of reference that started to deal with exactly why i wanted to do anesthesiology. One major factor would be the high interest value that I had for biology AND chemistry, and the field of anesthesiology (ANE) dealt with both, but that doesn't exactly point towards ANE.
Why specifically did I want to go towards ANE? I think I have to tackle the bigger question of why did I want to go to the medical field to begin with. This has to go back to the early teenhood days where I did not have health insurance and had to patch myself up everytime I got injured or sick. I got crafty and curious about how the body worked and always wanted to help people because I felt that I could figure out how things worked, and if people were in pain, i could mend that. This was also deeply affected by my decision to play the support role in Role-Playing-Games (RPGs). I would always play the medic class because there was always a need for it.
But that isn't a big enough reason... or is it? I feel like the more an idea is repeated within the mind, the deeper and deeper it becomes a part of your core internal desires. I've never waivered what I wanted to do in highschool: it was always something medical-related, which really begs me to ask the question: how much different is there between someone who has a profound reason to join the medical field (an injured family member, or a passion for saving people), versus someone who has always entertained the idea since a very young (and malleable) age?
Assuming that there is no difference, this would indicate that there is a valid reason towards my desire to become a medical professional, but then the question becomes: why anesthesiology? My decision to embark on the path to becoming an ANE specialist stems largely from the deep trauma of having frequent migraines and severe frustrations from nights of insomnia. There was not a clear-cut moment of when and where I decided, but merely a decision based upon repeated stressful encounters. These situations left a heavy impact on my direction: a medical field but focused on attempting to sleep and aleviating pain. Which field specializes in that?
So I am currently attempting to figure out the scope of my desires, but I;ve come across a road block. I am unable to continue because there is a lack of clear direction. I've become confused because I've become overwhelmed. I want to look at my future scope, define everything I want to accomplish, and figure out an easily accessible method to do all of this in, and I feel like I found a method to do such, but this conflicts with everything that I've been doing, and to embark on one journey requires the other journey to halt, but I haven't gotten far enough in one and then I became a little confused and... the problems continue to go on.
The solution to this is simple. Abandon easily accessible and eye pleasing organization for raw data. The indexer is already here, for it is your mind. You don't need all that fancy bullshit, you just need to be able to organize your thoughts and spit it out on paper. You have research questions in mind, write them down and save them in a folder.
I suppose I'm not overwhelmed, but merely confused on how to continue on from this point. I know that all my ideas are starting to branch offand they all have different goals, so I just wanted to find out a different method for containing my text because the text is my thought process, which leads to my idea about python. I'm just going to create it so that I have something less to complain about.
Haha oakay. So I screwed myself over with my courses, leaving me with no classes this semester, and an inability to graduate Still. I messaged and talked to an advisor but probably didn't make a lasting impression and she probably wants to ignore me. I have no future leads, and no prospective jobs except for attempting to day trade my way to victory. Can I achieve the life I want through the market? Is the security route a lie? Am I doing the right thing? I'm literally one course away from getting my undergraduate degre, but what is the importance of that piece of paper? I've acquired knowledge, and thats the whole point of a university right? I went to college to become successful, and if I find a way to be successful using the knowledge given to me by this institution, may it be situational, or may it be classes, then I can say I went to college successfully. I can say that this helped me become what I needed to become. I just elected to go a separate route.
I mean, do I really have a choice? If I am to go down this route, I need to chase after it with everything I have. I don't see why I couldn't be successful in this field...
Looking more into the aspect of writing a book, that would necessitate creating somehting that people like and can relate to. Do you have the ability to do that or are you grossly overestimating yourself? I don't know until I try.
You know... I dont know how many times I have to do this, hiw many times Ive gone through the same thing, hiow many times Ive gone to the same conclusions... but do I ever learn? I feel like... I feel like these people simply want an echo chamber, want people to "talk to" and to simply say what they want to hear because of (reasons), while not actually looking for things to change, ways to be new people.
Is this the final signal to move on? Is this the final straw? I literally heard "You just need to volunteer [to meet new people]" and I feel like that actualized my suspicions with what they're doing/feeling, and plus it resonated a bit with what I'm trying to do. I feel like what I'm trying to do for myself is whats best for myself. What I'm trying to do is what everyone is wanting for me (at least everyone close to me), and I shouldn't care about what they think, but only care about what's best for me, for I am the OG, I am the original, and everything is built for me, and not them. Its not their place to feel something, but only me to feel something about them.
Listen: Do what you said you were going to do and start applying to all of these places. Its all up to you to do what is necessary to get to where you want to go. Its all up to you to do what you need to do. Its all up to you to get what you want.
What do you want? What do you want? You should know by now since you've been you for 23 years. Just go for it because why not? Think of an actual reason that would affect your imminent future or your fiscal and emotional future. There probably isnt a good enough reason because there probably isn't a reason at all.
I hope this gets to your skull. Just do it. Why not? Why be afraid? What are you going to lose? You just lose opportunities, but as you wrote down, how do you feel about opportunities? If you do not remember, then go back and read the TGHC series. Seriously.... I got nothing more for you.
This just goes back to fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of failure. Do you know why fear exists to begin with? Its a method of self-preservation. Now think about your meek and unwilled self: it uses fear to preserve its nature. Also, a lack of desire of change is a type of deep-rooted fear, one that isn't surface level where you can simply charge in. Erase the motivation and voila, you become apathetic and depressed, thus never changing, thus doing what you hate doing.
Its like... what do they want? They dont want to hear my opinions, er... they dont take it to heart so its like nothing I can really say is something they would listen to anyways... What kind of people are these in comparison to what I want? Is this "what is handed to me"? Is this what I get and have to make do with?
Their desires do not seem to coincide with what you want. They're all passive, they're all content with themselves, and they're not willing to go the extra mile because of what they believe in or whatever is stopping them. It's just self-damaging, and I need to do what is necessary for myself ti get on to the future that I desire.
So, these past few weeks Ive been attempting to develop the same motivation to get things done that I recently acquired but lost. This feeling felt... exhilarating and I felt like I could conquer thr world, but the exact source of this drive is unknown. I suppose it has something to do with the reality of obtaining what I need, the reality of changing my life and the sheer realness of finally taking those mext steps towards achieving one of my immediate goals, but idk.
I also wanted to build a social media influence for future thot slaying
Letting things stew for a little bit longer, Ive come across the idea that the only thing stopping me is just a lack of knowledge of how to proceed. Ive lost the plan, but I need to get back onto it. I'll study for the MCAT once again, and then Ill attempt to get into any program through that. In the process, Ill just start applying for jobs and asking around people for volunteering experience / shadowing. I have one lead that I need to follow through on, so I need to go ahead and ask and see if she also has other people near ATL or the Buford area.
What i fail to realize whenever I attempt to motivate nyself to do what is needed to be done is that there is no better time than now to begin. Think of standing on the edge of a verticle circle. To take the first step would be to take a tangential path from the circle, to take a path that leads away from comfort. So what do you do? You try to speed up to make it easier to take those steps, but what you dont realoze os that no matter how much faster you run, you cant escape orbital velocity, you're stuck unless you muster up the ability to take those steps away from comfort. You'll always be stuxk in the cycle if you never stray from your comfort zone, so I will impart a timely schedule for you to act upon
Begin by noon.
But again you havent because you never met the prerequisite conditions in order to proceed now have you? How obtainable are these conditions? They have to be something thats achievable and they have to have tangible steps to work towards. If youre simply relying on time to fix this issue, then you arent truly doing exactly what you need to be doing to do what you need to do. I have a hard time understanding exactly how to motivate you to do something with your life. How exactly can I regain that motivation? Is it simply to take those first steps? If it is, then go ahead and do it. Conduct the acts that are not reliant on the time, and go from there. Do what you need to do to acquire what you desire.
Why not utilize spite to get what you want? You have what you dont want, and you dont have what you do want, so use that negative energy to propel you forwards to grab ahold of whatever it is you desire…
Okay so lets think a littlr about what I'm about to do: I was about to install...
"Has it reached the 10th yet?" What kind of mentality is that? How can I continue to go about my life perpetually pushing things off? What are the motives, the drives, and the expectations towards doing this?
To truly fix the problem, I have to understand Where I am coming from. I need to understand the situation, how I feel about it (both superficially and internally), and then determine whether I can actually change it to create a better future.
I suppose one method towards doing so is the exact methodology that Dad imposed: the actor method.
" We are all actors in this world of ours. Not the kind you see on TV, as theirs is a make believe world that does not exist, but ours is a real world with positive or negative implications. You first imagine the life you want, then you must act it out in thoughts, desires and actions. Though in a sense you indeed may have to play the part of an actor in the beginning as the circumstance may not be what you desire, through this acting out what it is that you seek, you slowly begin to change your character, your mentality, and eventually your reality. It must always begin in our actions, acting it out in our belief that we will succeed no matter what we see at the moment. It's a simple philosophy, but done properly can be life changing. Remember, you want to change your trajectory through your actions, through acting it out until it becomes a reality.""
This has similarities as to what I've discovered, and has insights towards the actual mechanisms towards developing the desire to do something.
Its like, I dont understand... Why do we continue doing the same shit over and over and over and over again?
Why do I continue doing this to myself, and why do ai always hope for something different to happen? Literally look at wll your past shit and see where that got you... Like for real. The whole point if you joining the hospital is to find more chances for that to happen. The whole point of going to Buford was to look for more opportunities to get what you want. What are you doing at Athens? Its literally the point where you move on: Its not the end goal, but merely a point for you to evolve and metamorphasize into the best you can be.
The actual whole point was to find a job to fund your last class to get your degree. The point was to move on. The point was to be better, but here you are too stuck in the past to do anything. Everyone is moving on, everyone is making their own choices, everyone is doing their own thing making new connections and... burning? old connections. I dont see why youre so stuck on doing things the hardest way to do them.
Lmfao dude just look at the ones near you; look at their actions and judge for yourself. You know what they need, you know what they want, and you know that it is hard to coincide with your desires, so understand this and look towards your future. Prove thr doubters wrong, move on and help them. You're doing ZERO good staying where you are, doing absolutely nothing for yourself except wasting every opportunity you have for yourself..
Here's my tip for you: Clean yourself, drink clean water, eat clean food, set up your voice mail and apply to every job that you can find. It doesn't matter whether it is a part or a full time job, things will happen regardless of what you're doing. You have literally ZERO responsibilities, so ACT LIKE IT. Do what is BEST for you, not others.
Lets think about it: what exactly are the things you need to get? They are: money for MCAT test, money for summer tuition, money for bills (loans, ...), experience at hospitals, experience volunteering, a room at Dad's,...
But for the immediate stuff: shower, laundry, food, go back to Buford, create study plan, draw, Apply to jobs, find volunteering opportunities etc.,
But, moral of the story: move on.
I recently had a dream that allowed me to experience an aspect of life that I have been missing.
It involved the taste of women. Now it wasn't solely that, but it played a big part of the dream. Just simply having a significant other was something that was...
___
But then I have an insight, a perspective that shows just how... childish this is.
The whole concept of old allegories leads to the idea that they are simply insights made by our ancestors to help further civilization to become a cohesive unit, a true living organism that continues to grow and prosper. This goes along with the ideas of religion, and all those old chinese verses and the such. What is the connectuon between the apocrypha, buddhaism, hermeticism, and everything in between? What are the core reasons towards creating such systems? Can I further myself by creating new insights? Is this an original idea or have other people attempted it? If they succeeded, then I assume I wouldn't even be doing my research. But then the question becomes: what are the end results of what I would be doing? Would it simply be similar towards creating other religions such as Mormonism, or Scientology? I feel like if I truly delve into it, I'll find an answer. I feel like the true answer is attempting to save EVERYONE. Combining everything into one centralized thought process, becoming one true cohesive unit. But, there comes many issues with that, such as people's way of lives, their history, their heritages, and everything with their cultures. To change is to go against human nature, for no one likes change unless change is necessary.
You know, I think i finally understand why I do what I do sometimes. I keep thinking that the more I indulge in myself, the closer I get towards reaching a point that'll rebound myself into a golden state, but its exactly the same situation as "rock bottom" that I've come to know. There is no bottom, for things could always get worse. There is no rebound, for you can always find things to indulge in. The rebound comes NOW, comes from the Actions you take in the Present, comes from the habits formed from the day walker.
Knowing about these philosphical notions, all these grand schemes about life and everything needed to continue pales in comparison to taking action. Its better to take action on a whim towards self improvement than it is towards planning out and never initiating. "Geniuses that fall before they sprout are innumerable; however, those who take action stand out"
___
Is everything as it seems? All the things I experience points towards paranoia having a more significant affect towards my livelihood than I recently thought, but then again, that is literally the core premise of paranoia, so what is real and what isnt?
What can be brushed off as mere worries versus what is actuality?
You know... i have an idea. its not fully fleshed out but here it goes: all civilizations, all theologies, and all previous philosophers are simply efforts towards creating the perfect government. I suppise this is a continuation of the previous TGHC,. Focusing more on the actual details, what are we put on Earth to do? Is China an example of a better government? What makes Communism better than Capitalism? What makes our republic better than other systems? How do these notions gain popularity, aka what are the merits and demerits? Pros and Cons?
Looking more at ideals, is Individualism a good or bad thing? Is it a short-sighted ideal? Is altruism a good trait? I feel like looking holistically is better, but for what purpose is there to create the perfect civilization? Well... what purpose is religion? Its to fight the war of Gods right? to become their loyal servants? Well, whos to say that they arent just aliens and that we eere put on Earth as an egg to develop a civilization that is meant to aid other species towards achieving... something?... and our enlightenment is to create a cohesive unit who's purpose is to... survive? To go on... to live and serve, to fight and survive.
Nice fiction material if I say so myself.
On the topic of religion, what makes all the different religions more important than the others? How can Christians say that their God is more real than say Muslims? Isnt their start the same as them? Everyone is... "born" into a religion so to speak, so what makes people born under the household of Christianity more politically correct than those of "Islamic" denominations? On the topic of Denominations, what are the differences between each of these groups? Is it wild interpretations of the bible? If the bible can be interpreted differently, then what makes one perspective greater than the others?
The idea of religion is a concept that slowly becomes more obscure as I ponder about it. What are all their origins? What could be possible intentions of creating religion? What is the true end goal?
Its interesting to think that you believe people care about what you want to show them. Its interesting to believe that what you like is interesting to other individuals. Do you know that people merely indulge in what they like? They have no care if you like something, but instead only care whether they like it or not. You think you're different?
People are selfish by nature. They like you if you're similar, dislike you if you're different. They like you if you validate their problems, but hate you if you bring the truth. People fear change, fear differences, and fear being wrong. They don't want to believe that what they believe in is incorrect. Its hard to accept truth, and its easier to simply remain in ignorance. The phrase "ignorance is bliss" hangs harder than you'd imagine.
So, here we are again. Stuck with the same problem, stuck with the same constraints, and stuck with the same stubbornness.
The answer is simple, but am I willing to take action? I don't take action. I procrastinate. I simply sit and wait for things to happen for me. I take the easiest way out, I expect things to fall into place. I expect the world to shape to my whims due to what I "deserve".
BUT
Nothing is as it seems. Naivety will be the end of you, for it already enveloped you completely. You believe the world is what it is not, and how do you bring out the truth if you live in a lie?
To truly break the cycle is a test of your endurance. Can you endure the pain of continually climbing out of the pit? Can you endure being continually exposed from your comfort zone? Can you endure failing over and over, seeminglessly endless amounts of time for eternity to eventually get something that might not be worth? This is what separates those who gain and those who stagnate, "for nothing can overtake the power of Endurance. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of uneducated failure. Endurance alone is power ultimate, so endure! We are the sum of our endurance."
To get out and grab what you want is a sign of endurance, for those who are able to, can endure the pain of doing so. The simple act of getting something goes against the natural order of entropy. Nothing is free, there is always a cost. You think you're "just lazy"? No, its inner fear preventing you from doing what you desire. You think you're tired? No its just a justification towards letting you stagnate. You think you have enough? The only time you have had enough is when you die. What are you continually doing day and night? Satisfying desires. Sleeping, Eating, Playing, Talking; All of these activities are not happening for nothing, theyre happening because you desire them, because you can never get enough. Yeah sure you might have overdone it at some point; felt introversive qualities of needing to "recharge", over-ate and now you need to digest, slept too long and felt too energized to stay awake. The thing about laziness is that there is little feedback towards the negative effect of not doing anything. Our basic needs are satisfied by the minimum of what our environment can offer, at the expense of those who care for us, but I digress.
ANYWAYS,
If you read this and you think, "Neat, ill bookmark it and try it later," chances are, ya won't. Why would future you do something current you wouldn't do? If you dont WANT to change RIGHT NOW, and you dont DO SOMETHING about it RIGHT NOW, then nothing is going to change. Who you are in the future is who you are in the present. You can still write that email before you send it; you can still look up job offerings before you apply; you can still study before you sign up for the exams. There are still opportunities to be done in every time-sensitive scenario, so you putting something off is merely another justification resulting in you not gaining anything productive or useful.
You not taking action isnt some deep psychological problem that only you have, it is merely you being a weak piece of shit. You dont want to endure the pain of doing things yourself, or something among that scope. Its merely you COPING, you try to delude your guilt into thinking its something out of your control. You trick yourself into thinking you cant change anything. You ARE MORE THAN THAT, You just have to reach out and take that step. AN OBJECT IN MOTION WILL STAY IN MOTION. Take the initial steps, and you'll be headed off into a new direction. Eventually you'll hit a roadblock or a problem that jostles your britches and you come to a screeching halt, and probably break down, but thats just part of life. Your history is determined by the actions you take during those moments, may you turn out to be a failure for not enduring the pain, or turn into someone successful for never letting his roadblocks be the end of his journey. Who you ARE is determined by your actions, not your theories or plans. Taking steps to change your life for the better is not a simple feat. Coasting in life, procrastinating, and rotting away is equivalent to swimming down a river. Taking hold of your life, facing fears head on and metamorphasizing into the best of who you can be is equivalent to swimming upstream. Its not easy, but if it were, everybidy would be doing it, which makes it so much more special. If you have the endurance to continually swim upstream, who knows what you'll find.
Changing who you are, changing what you do, doing things you dont want to do; No one WANTS to do any of this stuff, and there aren't going to be any magical voodoo tricks to get you to WANT to do it either. This is something you have to truly learn quickly, because if you dont, you'll end in a perpetual cycle of uselessness satisfying your desires with cheap substitutes that don't give you what you need.
Really makes you think about what Shia LaBeouf has stumbled upon, as his meme should constantly be repeating in your head to Just Do It.
It is better to regret doing something than perpetually thinking about what could have been done.
I don't know why I do it. I push the people I love away. I push the opportunitites I've longed for away. I push everything I want to do away. I push the man I've strived to become away. Everything I do and have done are being reverted by my actions. Why am I rejecting who I am trying to become?
I've always known what my problems are. I've always known what is needed to be done to fix my mistakes. All these entries, all these hidden problems, all these LIES are repeating throughout my head. Why must I keep repeating this vicious cycle? What is holding me down? Is it my habits? Are one's habits truly what they make them out to be?
There was never really a point in creating this series because look at the very beginning. It left my scope because I was drunk when I typed it, and I forgot about it because I saved it in an obscure folder. Those emotions are what my mind truly strives for, however, it gets bottled up through a lack of drive and motivation. All i had to do was to simply BEGIN. But alas, there is no motivation; there is no drive; there is no PUSH to get me going to where I need to go. It doesn't matter what I say to myself, I can rationalize not moving in any situation. I have a voice in my head that is keeping me down.
You know what? I believe there is a solution: anger. But how exactly do I utilize that? What can I do to PUSH me over the edge of this precipice of action? Once I take that first step, EVERYTHING would eventually fall into place; but how do I begin the journey?
Firstly, I need to reimagine and rethink what I believe about myself. That is a major factor of whats keeping me bolted down in mediocrity. Another one is that damn voice second-guessing EVERYTHING that I do for myself. Sometimes I rely on it for guidance and it makes me LOSE a few steps in my journey; I end up going backwards.
So... really. What are you planning? What can you do? You know what must be done, so how are you going to do it?
I have an issue. I justify escapist behavior and condemn productive thoughts, perpetuating a cycle of self-hatred and loneliness, a cycle of loathe and depression, a cycle of emptiness, becoming nothing but a husk, hallowed of anything good.
How do I escape this pit? How do I embrace all the good that life has to show for me? How do I quit justifying all the negatives and finally take that step towards a brighter future?
There's one way: its to man up and shake off that feeling of unworthiness and FEAR and TAKE THE STEPS. Fear is what's keeping you down. Fear paralyzes you; fear debilitates you; fear keeps you chained up forever in a state of stagnation and deteriorates you down to nothing. The only way to move forward is to embrace the feeling and to move past it. It doesn't matter how much you hate the feeling, how much you wish it goes away, or how long you seek an alternative, this wall is what separates those who fail and those who succeed. Do you have the capabilities to move forward through this wall?
The whole idea of utilizing anger to provoke myself to take the steps is not going to benefit me in the long term because that merely creates a situation where i'm blinded from whats truly happening; I have no control. I would still be unable to continue down my path if I approach the wall again, which would be inevitable as demonstrated by my most recent situation. The most clear solution is to simply embrace the fear. Fear of losing what I've gained, fear of being worthless, fear of not getting what I want. Listen: being in stagnation will make all your fears happen regardless of taking action or not. Its better to fail in ACTION than INACTION because then at least you can say you've tried.
I've noticed that there is one thing holding you back, and that is yourself. You GRASP onto the chains, because you don't want to let go. My tip: Just let it go; be yourself; Enjoy life the way you want to enjoy life; do the things you want to do. You have no responsibilities; You have nothing holding you back except self-imposed handicaps because of... I dont even know at this point.
Just move on. Look at the words hidden in your series, the emotions hidden within yourself and answer the call. Look forward. Take the step. Embrace the warmth of a new sun.
Here's food for thought:
The state of one's mind is dictated by emotion, but what constitutes these emotions? Various neurotransmitters and other neurochemicals within the brain surging throughout are what create these feelings, these moodsets that everyone experiences; so in a case where you're suddenly feeling down, feeling lost, or feeling extremely negative should be treated like a "mental cramp". It should be treated like your mind is feeling bad, feeling tired, and should take a break from anything important, for your current mental state is too unstable for productive activities, potentially allowing the opportunity for ill-thoughts to arise and alter how you truly feel about something. DeIf you're feeling wrong or down about something, take a break, calm down, meditate, or indulge in yourself until you feel normal again.
This insight was provided by the experience of intense negativity shortly afterwards of waking up from a disturbed nap. I had no ill-emotions from being disturbed, but my mental health took a drastic tumble mere minutes after awakening. It mellowed out and normalized after a shower where I felt like myself again. Throughout the entries, you'll find many instances where I mention moodswings, or cynical / nihilistic thoughts in the morning or after waking, and only now have I pieced it together with possible changes within neurochemical imbalances within the brain after the sudden shift between sleep and wake. I don't have the time nor desire to piece together scientific articles and create a meta-analytical piece towards this phenomena; I just wanted to type it down and continue on with what I was doing.
Anywho, stay safe and Happy Hunting! ~Me
Am I boring? Am I different than what I see myself as? How do I bring out what I want from myself, and how do I gain feedback to determine if I'm successful?
Are my friends deceitful? Are they trustworthy? Am I here for them; are they here for me?
Am I doing the right thing? Is this the right path? Is everything going to be alright?
Am I unmotivated? Am I despirited? Is this emotion helplessness?
I'm just tired.
It was a low point. It was a period of despair. It was the pendelum swing towards hopelessness brought upon by the kharmic nature of our bodies regarding the influence of alcohol on our moods; the Sunday blues.
Two days of drinking leads to a very deep blues session. I have risen out, and what I've gathered from my journey is one key insight: no matter how sad, how hopeless, how dreadful and overbearing everything seems to be, there will be a turning point. THings will get better. You can make it through, just ENDURE.
What the fuck is the point in anything I do if it just ends up in failure? Everything is just fruitless efforts brought upon by a manic state-of-mind, continuously being proven wrong time and time again. What am I to do? What do I do now?
It always just ends up in failure. It always ends up with something undesirable. Nothing I can do really helps me. I feel fucking stuck, never changing no matter what I do because the one goal I've had the past 10 years has been stuck in stasis: UNACCOMPLISHED, while others have sped by in blazing speeds; moved on without me, left me in the winds.I cannot ocntinue. I don't even WANT to anymore. I've just given up and I dont know what else to do because I just don't WANT to do anything anymore. I've lost my motivationm I've lost my drive, and I've lost my will.
How do you change someone's mind once they've already committed?
I get ignored, I get rejected, I get decieved, I get lead on. Nobody talks to me and I talk to no one. No one has me in their mind no matter what I do. Loneliness has been my friend since the beginning and that doesn't appear to change anytime soon.
My situation may be better than others, but I'm still in the starting position. I haven't increased this one bit since the beginning, and I've squandered all my chances to do better. Is it me? Am I in the wrong? What about me is it that creates such a repulsive nature to others? What is it that makes them look away? Everything I try to do seems to not work one bit, no matter how sincere I try to become, no matter how considerate I try to become, no matter how fun I try to make things, no matter any effort towards my appearance. Everything is unchanging.
How is change inevitable, yet my life is constant? How is ti that I've gotten nowhere after everything I've done? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
What feeling do I experience after completing a show?
Loneliness, despair, anger, sorrow, sadness
I feel hollowed, melancholic pain.
I get frustrated due to an inability to pursue my Machiavellian and megalomaniacal desires.
I feel unable to pursue my true desires and lost with no true calling.
I - ... No.
You know, I often look back at my past and envision better pathways, better could've beens, and better judgement for all my choices throughout life. I always think that if I could go back in time, I would do things differently; however, I've come to a realization. I haven't truly changed as much as I think I have. If the hypothetical scenario of me returning to the past ever occurred, if I managed to go back in time and redo all my decisions with the knowledge of the future, would I? There are obvious answers to some stuff, but if I run the simulation in my head, pretend to not know about the consequences of my actions, I still revert to my old self. I'm still unable to take the steps for a brighter future.
Shouldn't you do something about it? What is your ideal life? Is your current life matching it? Is it on the path to obtaining it? If not, then what are you doing if not actively pursuing changes to get what you desire?
What is it that you fear? Don't you pride yourself about your ability to factor in many unseen variables? Haven't you deluded yourself enough to believe that you are truly an unparalleled genius? Why aren't you using your intelligence to solve your problems? There's an unseen variable holding you back, so what is it?
Again, you seem to be lost. What is it that you do all day everyday? What is it that you strive to become? Are you doing the things you want to do? Are you on the path towards ebcoming who you want to be?
I believe that you have the power, but merely having such does not entail you are able to do so. What are the demons chaining you down to the beginning? Why can't you simply continue?
So, what do you expect from life? What is your ideal? Why do you never answer the questions? Its because you don't know, but the point isn't for you to just straight up answer them and ignore if you don't know; its for you to SEARCH for the answer. Asking the questions gives you a clear goal to strive for, gives you a starting point to further your life.
So how do you acquire the unacquireable? How can you make your life as anime-like as possible? Well, it's not impossible. THe question should shift to: What qualities of life are in anime that you like? What is it that gives them that certain characteristic, that that aesthetic that you fell in love with, and is it obtainable in your current environment? If not, then what is missing and how do you acquire it?
I believe that what you fell in love with is not the land, the type of people, or the customs that come with each show or book, but merely the connections to each character that you gain throughout reading the books. The grief you feel is the death of each character's future: They no longer grow with you, they no longer speak, they no longer joke. They are gone and the only thing left with you is a longing memory of what has been, the exact same as if someone close to you has died. What you long for is a connection to a human being, a person that also longs for a connection to you. Now, maybe it is the environment and customs that leads to the type of connection-building that only happens in that land... maybe these kinds of connections only happen in fictional novels, but isn't the point of life to be the best you can be, to enjoy the gift of life to its fullest extent with the people you love? So how can you utilize the morals, the memories of those that left you, and the desires that you long for to truly build your future?
How can you build your ideal world? Well, you can't if you have no idea what your ideal is like, so the first step is to figure out what YOU want. What contraints in life would you alter if you had the ability? What would be different? What would be the same? What is YOUR end goal? As an individual, detached from all connections, detached from all memories, detached from all strings: what do YOU want? Give it time; ponder about it for a while. Truly think, or don't, and see what desires linger about. Look at all the fiction you read and see what similarities there are. Look at all your hobbies and see what entices you. Look at everything you've done throughout your life and find the commonalities to find the thread that will lead you to the true direction.
I've been avoiding talking about it because it's something that I ahve no idea about. It regards my future vision and how I treat video games nowadays. I've written it off at one point as the satisfaction of having as many possible opportunities at one point, but is that really the case?
Looking at video games, I have one in mind: Fallout 4. The game is fun, but I just don't play it... why? Well, when I think about the game, I think about the story line. I think that it is something that doesn't have quite an appeal. I see the future, and what would happen, and determined that it was not worthy of my time. I was... dissuaded by the seemingly little returns for my time? No, I didn't want to continue down a path I have already foreseen.
I do not want to live a life that is planned out. What's the point of doing something if its already been done before, may that be in theory or actuality?
That is the kind of mindset that I have acquired, so how do I beat it?
Well, what is there to beat? What is my end goal? I want to simply continue, and there is an easy solution, but then again, I have to defer to my gut feeling that That isn't the right choice, that referring to: to just go along and coast in life.
As I sit here, listening to others' conversations in the dead of night, I've become enamored by a new sensation; one that truly hurt my ego: I am but a child in the body of a grown adult. I have not lived the childhood that I truly wanted an am unable to grow into the man I wish to become. My inability to grow up comes from the repetative failures of obtaining the one thing I've truly desired for the past decade. Will I perpetually live this cycle? Will I ever change or am I truly doomed to this SHIT.
Even my dreams haunt me. They show me sweet fantasies of could've beens, then return me to my idle reality, where time passes and progression is nonexistant.
Why am I unable to progress? How am I stuck in stagnation? What is wrong?
Is it a lack of motivation? Well guess what... I've never even TRIED to figure out that question yet, because I've never started doing the research on how to motivation myself to verify whether that was the culprit or not. Use the scientific method to solve your problems, not idlesse.
To solve this issue, I need to set goals. My problem arises due to not understanding exactly what I want, or more precisely, HOW to get what I want.
But that's not even the fucking problem.
I have a clear cut goal, I have steps that I need to take to acquire that goal, and I know exactly what needs to be done. I just don't WANT to do it, so the question becomes: how do i get myself to WANT to do it? I don't have motivation, I don't have a will, and I don't have a drive anymore.
No, after taking a look, there are some reasons stopping you, albeit bad reasons. You just don't have the courage to continue.
You know, I had a thought. What is worth living for? What on Earth should I dedicate my life to? I looked deep within myself for the answer, but instead came to suicidal thoughts. Imagine what life would be like if you pulled the trigger and your life ended: the trivialities of life seem worthless to ponder upon; responsibilties evaporate; you become truly free. You pull the trigger, everything ends, you have nothing holding you down: everyone around you carries on, everything continues to operate, nothings was truly depending on your survival.
What is the point of this thought experiment?
Take the scenario that you've "killed yourself." You have no responsibilities, you have no connections, you have nothing. What do you do with yourself? What do you WANT to do? Envision the scenario, what do you see yourself doing?
I asked this because I feel depressed.
Depression comes from perception. I just feel lost. I feel as if I have nothing coming for me. I feel like all my paths have been stripped from me. I feel like I hit a wall with no way around it. I don't see a way to continue, and I don't understand how to fix my problems.
What can I do to amend my mistakes? How do I get the motivation to build my discpline to continue? How do i just... go?
But to ONLY want something does not mean you will eventually obtain it. If you WANT good habits, then that means you currently DONT HAVE good habits, therefore you have to WORK to obtain it. The same can be said about a good BODY. If you WANT to have a healthy body, then that means you do not HAVE a healthy body, and if you ONLY want a healthy body without putting the effort to get it, then you'll never get the body. One should not be content with merely having the desire for healthiness, but also to work on the entire system towards obtaining what they desire
To get past this hurdle requires me to MOVE. Are you moving? No. Think of it as training to be an SS. If you cannot call HR, then how do you expect to talk to your 10/10 QT3.14?
Remember, its a hurdle. Whats the best way to get over them? By sprinting and leaping forward. Even if you cannot overcome the hurdles themselves, you'd respect the man giving his best and knocking them all down moreso than the one who quit after messing up once.
Lol...
How basic are you? How gullible are you? How shallow is your thought-process?
Maybe its not the fact that my logic is basic, but rather, the thought-process is a logistical trap, pervasive due to its ease and comfort. You are not a basic square, but instead, the thought-process ensnares those who do not look at the details. Or you truly are just a basic shallow pussy.
Either or, it doesn't change the fact that you didn't accomplish what you wanted to do. You are not as strong as you'd like to believe, but that shouldn't discourage you, but merely provoke your desire to become better.
Don't let trivial details distract you from your ultimate goal. Aren't you supposed to be the best version of yourself? Tell me, does the best version of yourself suffer from crippling anxiety? Does the best version of yourself pedestalize the impact of women on your life? Does the best version of yourself worry about trivial details that may or may not even haave a significant effect on anything relevant?
Envision yourself. Envision the best version. Create the model and sculpt yourself, mold yourself into perfection in your mind, and ignite the engine to become that model.
Just know, perfection is an intangibility, meaning the path to perfection is never-ending. You will always be able to improve some aspect of your life, and who you end up becoming depends on how far along you get in this journey.
It may be easy and comforting to spill all this feel-good bullshit, but do you have the galls to actualize anything you desire for yourself? Can you truly face your fears, rationalize your phobias, and become something greater than before? It all depends on the man in the present, not the future, not the past. Who you are in this very moment is who you'll become later on.
What do I mean? To reach the heavens, you have to have MOMENTUM. You have to have the will to do something in the PRESENT MOMENT.
Here's the metaphor: imagine an arbitrary solid object. If it is immobile, if it has Zero velocity, then no matter how much time passes by, it will always remain in that one spot. Take that same object, don't change a single aspect of it except for one thing: its velocity. After ANY time change, it will be in a different position.
This logic can be applied to the mind. To FORGE (move) the BEST STATE-OF-MIND (ball) requires WILL and DISCIPLINE (velocity).
You may not change in the moment, but in the future, you will be different. Nothing significant changes overnight, because if it did, then becoming the best you can be wouldn't be such an accomplishment for everyone would be doing it. However, due to the pathetic nature of humankind, we are all subject to our vices, to comfort, and to settling for less. Giving up in the face of an overbearing challenge is something everyone's done, but how long will you remain sedentary until you're tired of abiding by the demands and toils of life before becoming great?
Here's a story: there existed a 54 year old virgin cashier at a run-down gas station. He survived the majority of his young-adult life through NEETbux and living in his parents, until he was eventually cut loose, kicked out, and was forced to get a job. When he was spoken to about his circumstances, about what he has done that lead him to that situation, the only thing he could reply with was, "Nothing. I did... nothing." FEAR crippled him, stopped him from acting on EVERY occasion: asking out girls, applying for jobs, pursuing a greater education, making friends. FEAR tied him down to INACTION: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of inadequacy, fear of being ridiculed. His velocity hit zero, and where in life has he gotten? Nowhere
What makes a challenge overbearing? What makes our vices so enticing? what is it about our comfort zone that ties us down and makes us bitches to our desires and slaves to our whims? It all boils down to FEAR, and how to COPE with it. If you can master your fears, you can do so much more in life.
Fear is pain, and pain is a signal that something is wrong. It's not a problem to be scared of something. The problem comes from not looking Fear straight into its eyes, and ignoring or working around it. This promotes ill-coping mechanisms, which is a bad foundation for developing a mature state-of-mind. You have to FACE your fears head on to truly move on, to gain the abililty to confront what hurts you, giving you the strength to tackle many more things in life.
Now, what about will and discipline? How do you develop motivation to escape mediocrity? How do you flip that switch in your head to take the first step, to increase your momentum in life? You just shut your brain off, walk, and face whatever problems head on; its sink or swim.
So... I have a tendancy to run away into a world of fiction... but what do I get from those worlds? What is it that I desire from them? Is it a sense of adventure? Is it a sense of family? Is it simply the desire of friendship and camaraderie? I keep looking for... my people, people who have a common issue, people who want t oget bettet, people who listen and work together. I keep looking for people that are the samea s me, but in this land, in a foreign land with no similarities, no brothers to find, what can I do?
I've talked about it before: I've always wanted to live in Japan because of the feeling taht watching anime has given me... but instead of pursuing the location, find the source of these emotions and look nearby.
These manhua simply supply me with the emotions that I desire. They fill me up with the missing things in my life, creating an unhealthy imbalance. It's akin to shooting up heroin, but instead of pure concentrated bliss, it's intermediary products that eventually turn into it. This is comparible to fruit and pure sugar. Although has good elements for the body, there comes a point where the sugar in it becomes too much; there comes a limit where one should stop ingesting them, leading to the notion that Moderation is key, once again.
But the point of this is to explore the idea of these filled emotions. What do you feel when you read these books? What emotion is missing and subsituted from such indulgences? what is the main question at hand?
There is no point in defining all my problems. In fact, what I'm even doing probably isn't necessary. I need to figure out my end goal here. What am I trying to accomplish? I just want to know what makes these books so goddamn addicting, what makes these videos so damn satisfying, what makes me crave societal stuff, and the such. I want to create my own world while incorporating these elements to form the escapists dream. I wanted to figure out everything.
What elements drive me to do what I do? What constitutes happiness and motivation? What am I constantly searching for? Is it literally just the next hit of dopamine? How can I use this to my advantage?
Hello again, I'm back. There has been a few developments with myself throughout these past few weeks, and a few new hurdles that I have discovered. I have a few new diesres, as well as a few new hatreds; a few new interests, as well as a few new dead-ends.
So lets get down to detail shall we? Firstly, I've come to the conclusionthat everything I do seems to just be for naught. I feel like I've hit a dead end, unable to continue because of my negligance towards myself. I just feel like I cannot continue because I do not have the strength; I do not have the will; and I do not have wha tit takes. I lose a little bit of myself everytime I try to think about myself, lost in a cycle of building myself up and breaking it down.
One specific problem is that I have a desire to create a book that consists of fiction with many developments or ideas that provide a more profound understanding of the self, but to do so requires me to watch videos and take notes, but I cannot do that because I can never find the right place to do so. It's never the right time to study; it's never the right time watch the videos; its never the right time to write the story. I keep pushing everything back. My main theory is that I just cannot fathom everything that has to be done, which is instilling fear of failure thus leading me to procrastination. Since I have no clear path, I don't know exactly where to go, thus preventing me to take these steps, but then again, this could just be another justification for my ineptitude.
I don't write the book because I... just don't want to. I don't feel like its something I can accomplish. There's so much I need to do. I feel overwhelmed. Think about it, theres an unfathomable amount of details that need to be addressed, and simply thinking of the amount creates this feeling of disgust and repulsion... I feel dread when thinking of the amount of things.
One method to amend this situation is to turn a blind eye. Overloading the brain with information will only lead to failure. I need to compartmentalize everything and deal with it in chunks, and after a long period of time, you can look back at what you've accomplished and be in awe and feel complete.
I have a theory that its all based upon my subconsious' current style of operation. How would/can I change it? How can I utilize Yoga Nidra or something to the same effect to change my internal wirings? I need to address the negativity and fear into something positive and courage building.
Something else I wanted to address was my desire to be free, my desire to be independent, my desire to spread my wings and fly away from this place of dread. THis leads to me wondering about what makes this current place dreadful and what makes other places... fun and enticing. What is it about companions that just changes the feel of everything? What can I do to obtain these companionships to spice up my life? What am I currently doing wrong, and what am I currently doing correct?
There is a lot that I'm in the dark about, and there really isn't much feedback because of a plethora of reasons. I also can't even be mad else I'll just be leading a hypocritical lifestyle since I act upon these same impulses: concealing damning information due to fear of crumbling friendships; withholding information that leads to embarasmment; lashing out in the face of criticism, and not correctly absorbing it; misinterpreting people and not owning up to one's mistakes... There are many problems that I see and conduct, and I don't understand exactly what enables my emotions to make me fall prey to these mistakes time and time again. Is it a lack of experience? Is it Naivety? Is it just a normal thing that happens to everyone? Who the fuck knows... not me thats for sure. The only thing I can do right now is to just absorb information, which leads to my next topic.
I have a problem with YouTube because everything I do is based upon videos created from that platform, which is mainly for entertainment. The spread of information is not the main goal of the platform, so why am I seriously considering the stuff I find on there to be valid life-altering bouts of wisdom? One way to amend this would be to supplement the information you find from there with reputable and credible sources, while actively trying to prove whatever you found wrong. Instead of taking everything you find as truth, use it as a guide for further research. There have already been several points of misinformation being spread from scientific channels, so what separates everything else from these same mistakes? A completely misinformation-free video is rare, simply due to the sheer amount of opinionated and unconfirmed claims floating around. In the realm of science, nothing can be proven, but only disproven.
I also wanted to explore what makes an individual more... personable. Someone that is well-liked by many others. What qualities do people look for in others to determine compatibility for friendship? What would make them want to start a conversation? what would make them want to invite them out to do things and hang out? Understanding what emotions and actions evoke these responses allows for understanding of what you're doing wrong and gives the opportunity to amend your mistakes to become the best version of yourself.
In reality, I just want to validate my visitations to game-building seduction sites, and reading forums for speed-seduction tactics. I feel like it's all neckbeard reddit posters lying to themselves and everyone around them, but in another perspective, it truly could be genuine information and the only way to truly utilize its potential is to truly believe in its validity. How am I supposed to know what is what? What side do I take? Allow me to use a quote to answer my question: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Broaden your horizons and just TRY the stuff. Becoming a zeolot should only happen AFTER you get all the results you're looking for.
One more topic to explore involves manga and satiety. Throughout the past few days, I've been rereading a manhua that I've already read before, but needed a refresher to continue on to new content; however, there comes a point where I just don't want to continue anymore. I reach halfway through a chapter and I lose all will and motivation to continue on anymore. After about a day, I get hungry again and need to read more. I've associated this on-off cycle with satiety, which leads me to the question of: what methods are there to accurately measure my current level of satiety? I want to be able to experiment so that I can utilize the information to provoke myself to do things I naturally would not do, such as doing something mindlessly for hours at a time while not mentally fatiguing myself. I want to understand the problems that I'm facing so I can get the things I want with as little trouble as possible.
Is there a way to determine how attached to reality my sense of self is? Do i even know what the fuck I'm talking about? I feel like... my identiy... my self is... detached, blinded by something and I cnanot ascertain exactly what I look like to others. My sense of my own physical identity is numbed to constant exposure, and I cannot peer at myself with my third eye anymore, because my senses are dulled. What is normal? What is not? I cannot make comparisons to nothing. I have no frame of normalcy anymore thanks to this isolation.
I wanted to focus on something else.
I look at myself, and I find my actions to be absolutely strange. My mannerisms seem... autistic, robotic, and just abnormal. My voice is disgusting, my face is weird, my actions are strange, and my perspective is warped.
Now, I wanted to take this perspective of myself and combine it with the notion of love: why don't people love me romantically? Is it because they don't want to be seen coupled with someone weird? [Are my actions and mannerisms turly autistic, os it it just a psychological phenomenon where one views themselves as something "strange" due to the discrepencies of their preconceived notion of themselves?] Why would this aspect have such an effect?
But there's still something else. Putting my weird nature aside, what is love? "You like because, but love despite." To like is to have attractive qualities. To become attached is half the equation (a hidden portion might I say). People equate "to like" with "to love" but do not understand the intricacies of emotions (does anyone?). So, how would I get someone to love me? Attraction to like, commaraderie for friendship, time for attachment, and an open mind for: reparation after schisms; effort to be made after trouble; true mutual understanding to create a cohesive bond.
This brings me to an interesting conversation: who are you to judge one's relationship? How are you to judge something that is private between two other individuals? How would you know the efforts that are put into their relationship if they conceal all the juicy stuff since it's not supposed to be public anyways?
The only person that can get you out of this rut is youself. There won't be a magical set of words online that'll convince you to move. There won't be anyone that has enough charisma to get you to move. There won't be a steep enough situation that'll force you to move. The only thing limiting you is one thing: your desire.
Do you WANT to live a better life? Do you WANT to be financially independent? Do you WANT to have a family in an economically stable environment? Do you WANT to have friends to do things with?
Look at your goals, look at the milestones. Look at your desires. Look at the steps required. Now, understand this: to get to ANY of the intermediary steps requires you to MOVE THROUGH THE PAIN and to COMPLETE THE FIRST STEP.
A blow to the ego. I continually try the same shit ultimately leading to the same results. I just don't see any other path other than the one I've failed crossing over and over again. I just don't get it. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do from here.
So, I've done it. I deleted all socials, for nothing online has worked. The only thing I'll be focusing on are in-person conversations and relationships, for nothing is a valid substitute. I'm just sick and tired of being less than the ideal standard and being cast aside and deemed worthless because of it. It's like a boolean standard, you're either hot shit and a gigachad or a little beta-cuck simp. There is no inbetween, and its infuriating. This goes back to my inability to accurately measure myself and see exactly what I'm doing wrong to improve myself. The only thing I CAN do is talk to people in-person but how the fuck am I supposed to do that nowadays? It's utterly ridiculous and the only thing I can do is just wait it out and build up myself through other means.
Looking at all these different books regarding philosophy, I don't understand why they all don't already have sparknotes versions. What is the whole purpose of a book if not to convey information? Is it truly filled to the brim of wisdom that cannot be further coalesced into smaller and more refined summaries?
Actually, let's take a step back. My whole purpose for reading philosophy is to gain an understanding of the mind, to build a moral foundation to create a framework for functioning and understanding myself. I wanted to fix my problems and felt that philosophy was the path towards this fundamental understanding.
Is that truly the case? Will studying the works of Plato and Aristotle as well as the inner workings of political philosophy and all of the ancient Greeks followed by modern philosophies help solve my problems? Probably, but this is another case of attempting to suffocate my problems with details and getting stuck in triviality without addressing the major concerns. Instead of cutting grass with a lawnmower, I'm using a magnifying glass and measuring out every blade of grass to be the exact same length.
One thought-process that led me down this path was that I do not know what I do not know. I simply wanted to develop a general outline for human thought so that I have a broad understanding of the different schools and can estimate the range of knowledge out there, locating exactly what I needed, but I start looking too far into the details and getting bogged down by sheer quantity of information.
So what do I do then? How do I conduct myself to become the best version of myself? Will understanding philosophy help metamorphosize my mind to become the ideal?
To an extent, I can understand the use of philosophy. Thinking about our brains as a machine of logic, when incorporating new decision making rules, our actions are changed and with these changed actions, we as individuals change. My problems arise when we discuss trivial things such as our perception of ourselves and what is real versus what is not. Again, I can see how it is necessary (it can help trivialize our fears and create a foundation of perceiving reality), but the focus starts getting blurred and gets distracted from the ultimate goal, at least for me.
What is the goal? To become the best version of myself. This notion implies that I am looking for practical knowledge to amend my mistakes.
The fact that I'm looking for "practical" knowledge implies that I might not have a true understanding of these works to begin with. Aren't all philosophical works "practical"? Are these all not forms of logic? These forms of logic are simply rules for conducting actions, so in what aspect is it not applicable to practice? Even the discussion of whether we have free-will or not is applicable because of its implication that there are outside influences affecting our judgement, which can be used to our advantage: to create the right set of responses for certain stimuli furthering our journey towards becoming idealized versions of ourselves. What is real? What is not? These are valid points of thought that can help with the journey.
The issue here is the significance of change that these thought-experiments evoke. For example, when losing weight, you could take Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA), a supplement to promote fat loss, but it barely has a significant effect on weight loss in comparison to actual dieting / exercising. The effects of CLA are real, but it is nigh negligible. With this in mind, regarding the journey towards achieving the greatest state-of-mind, is the acquisition of philosophical knowledge to the same regard as exercise or is it to CLA? Is there a more significant method towards bettering ourselves or is this the diet?